Before and After

Part Two: After

Chapter Twelve -- I Don't Know

Jessica

My stomach was filled with butterflies as I worried about where Taylor was. I always knew that he snuck out some nights, but I always said to myself that I didn't see it. And I always believed that, because when I woke up each morning, there was Taylor.
"J?" asked Avie, as I kept her company as she played with her Barbie dolls. I sometimes play with them too, but I wasn't paying a lot of attention to the story we had set up today. "Where's Taylor?"
"I don't know," I said. "No one knows where Taylor is."
"Why?"
"Avie, I don't know," I said. "I don't know anything about Taylor right now."
"You knew what was wrong with him."
"No, I don't," I said, becoming angry with Avery.
"But what about those things you said at dinner?"
"Avie, just shut up!" I screamed, hurling one of the Barbie dolls at the wall. "I don't have a clue! Just leave me alone, okay?" I said, storming out of the room.
I ran out onto the back porch, flopping into the deck swing. I swallowed a lump in my throat as I looked out into the yard of our LA home.
Last time we were here, I could remember Taylor playing soccer with Isaac and Zac, yelling and screaming. He was so happy.
This time though, he was so sad. He was always in a bad mood.
I kicked my legs as hard as I could, trying to forget about Taylor. He'll be fine, I thought to myself. He always comes back home. Always.

* * * * *

Donna

"Girl, what's wrong?" asked Jocie, as I came tearing up the front of the house.
"There's something wrong with Taylor!" I screamed.
"Who's Taylor?" asked Jocie.
"Oh shit," I muttered. "Jordan's real name's Taylor, okay? There's no fuckin' time to explain the situation. There's something wrong!" Phil, the guy that gave me the tablet, stood up.
"It's the eccy," he admitted shakily. "There was one bad one, and I can't find it now." I couldn't believe what hit my ears. "There was a bit more smack in that one... Jordan- sorry, Taylor's probably had an overdose."
"Oh shit," I muttered. Frantically I ran around the house, before finding the phone. My fingers shook violently, as I pressed the emergency number in.
"Hello?!" I shouted. "My friend's had a heroin overdose!"

* * * * *

Jocie

Squealing sirens pulled up outside the house, as we all tried to hide the needles, pot, and other bits of crap. Donna bolted to greet the ambulance workers she'd called.
"Where are they?" asked the officers. Donna, who was as pale as a ghost, led them to the bedroom. I got off the couch I was sitting on, and followed them.
I entered the room behind the officers, and was met with a sight I never thought I would ever see.
Donna's friend Jordan, or Taylor, or whatever, was Taylor Hanson. The boy that adorned my little sister's walls, was lying there, still with death.
"Oh... my... god," I breathed. They had started loading him onto a stretcher, so I ran back down the hall, so as not to get in their way.
"Is everything okay?" asked Phil. He looked so worried.
"I don't know."

* * * * *

Donna

I sat in the back of the ambulance, holding Taylor's cold hand. He hadn't woken from his unconscious state, which was beginning to worry me. And from what I could tell, Taylor wasn't breathing either.
"Taylor," I said, choking on tears. "I never loved you, you were always just a friend to me... even though I slept with you." I placed my other hand with his as well, sandwiching his between mine. "But there's people like Anthony, right? They get what they want, and as soon as there's something better, they leave. But then there's people like you." I had only known the guy for a small amount of time, but he had offered me more, in a sense, than Anthony, or any guy that I've been with for that matter, ever had. "You could have any perfect cookie-cutter girl in this world, and she would bow down to you like you were king. But you picked me to be your friend. Me, the slut, the junkie, the not-perfect girl, out of everyone else." I paused, blinking back tears. "I'm honoured. Thank you so much." I sniffed. "But there's one more favour I want -- I want you to wake up for me."

* * * * *

Isaac

I sat in the kitchen with my parents. All we wanted was some sign of Taylor's whereabouts, and if he was okay. We would stare at the phone, before making small talk. Then there would be silence. It was like a cycle.
The ringing of the phone startled us all. We all wanted it to ring so badly, but at the same time didn't like our chances.
Mum raced to her feet, starting to pace again.
"I'll get it," I said, as Dad began to talk to Mum. "Hello?" A teenage girl's voice began to talk.
"Hi, this is Donna Newmens, who am I speaking to?"
"Isaac Hanson," I answered.
"Ohhh boy," the girl said, sounding rather worried. Her voice shook, as if she'd been crying. "Do you know where Taylor is? Taylor's your brother, right?"
"Yeah," I said. "But I don't know where he is." I figured this was the Donna that was with him last night.
"Ahhh, are you sitting down, coz you're not going to like this." Donna was stalling.
"Just tell me," I said.
"I'm sorry I have to tell you this," apologised Donna. "And please don't shoot the messenger."
"Just spit it out!" I yelled.
"Taylor has had a drug overdose," Donna said softly.
"No he hasn't," I argued. I didn't want to hear that, so I pretended I hadn't.
"I'm serious," sniffed Donna. I took a deep breath in, daring myself to ask the obvious question.
"Is he okay?" A deafening silence followed. Finally, Donna spoke.
"He's at LA General Hospital, the Emergency Wing," she said slowly, before breaking down into tears it seemed. "Just come down for yourself."

* * * * *

Donna

It seemed that the hospital knew the Hanson family fairly well, therefore the phone number was easily found.
Those eight digits were the hardest I've ever had to push. And in the end, I was too chicken to tell them what had happened to Taylor.
Putting down the phone, doctors and nurses ran about me, but there was no one to talk to. I took a seat in the brightly coloured emergency room, not knowing what I was waiting for.
A flurry of action came through the emergency room doors, as who I recognised as Isaac from the band Hanson, and two other adults, came through. I lifted myself from my seat, and walked over to them.
"Hello, I'm the girl you talked to on the phone, Donna Newmens," I said. Isaac was the first to turn his attention to me.
"Well, you spoke to me on the phone, I'm Isaac. But what happened? Where's Taylor?" Some more tears fell from my eyes, as I whispered,
"He's watching over you."

* * * * *

Diana

I stared at the girl, hoping I would wake from this horrid nightmare soon.
A doctor came up behind me, tapping me on the shoulder.
"Mrs Hanson?" I turned to face a doctor, Dr. Whait.
"I hate this part of the job," muttered Dr. Whait. That girl, Donna, who had rung us, buried her head in her hands, crying. "Your son Taylor has, oh God, I hate being the one to tell you this, Taylor, unfortunately, has overdosed on heroin." My breath caught in my throat, and all I could do is gasp in shock. My husband stepped forward.
"Is he okay?" Dr. Whait sighed sadly.
"I don't know how to break this news to you." I prayed that this was all just an awful joke. "The drug slowed Taylor's body so much that it stopped." The doctor paused. "I'm sorry Mr. and Mrs. Hanson, Taylor's passed away."

* * * * *

Isaac

It was everybody's worst nightmares and thoughts come true. No one knew what to do.
Mum, Dad and I had raced out of the house, leaving Zac in charge with the four younger kids. It was really unfair of us, but there was so much going on, Zac didn't mind.
Mum's gasping had turned into a waterfall of tears, while Dad, who was clearly upset, attempted to sooth her crying, with repeated sayings of "It's okay" and other related phrases.
"Diana, please just come sit over here," suggested Dr. Whait.
"Where is he???" screamed Mum. "Where's Tay-ie???"
We were all in shock. We expected a coma, something internal, something that the doctors could fix. We never expected Taylor to leave us.
I turned to face Donna. "How did it happen???" I demanded. Donna sniffed, her heavily tear-stained eyes looking at me.
"We went to this party at a friend of mine's, watching some movies and stuff, and Taylor shot up some heroin," said Donna shakily. "Then we both took an ecstasy tablet, and were just makin' out, and he just started losing all his energy, and he threw up, and I left him to go get help, and when I came back, he'd passed out." Donna started crying fresh tears. "I found out that the eccy tablet he took had a little more smack- I-I-I mean heroin in it. He'd overdosed." She backed up, until she fell onto a seat. I followed her, standing in front of her. "I'm so sorry Isaac, I-I-I-"
"Didn't do anything," I said softly.
"I shouldn't have left him," bawled Donna. "I didn't mean it, I never thought something that was just a hobby would go so far." She blinked furiously, trying to control her unstoppable tears. "I don't think it's sunk in yet, really," she said. She rocked backward and forward, her hands tightly crossed around her chest. "He said he was so cold," she said, as if in a daze, remembering. "I listened to him Isaac, I did the best I could!" she cried.
I took a seat next to the girl, clasping my hands in my lap.
"I don't know what to say Donna," I said. "I don't know."

* * * * *

Chapter Thirteen -- Tell Me it's Gonna be Okay

Zachary

I tried watching TV. I tried listening to the radio. I tried every method of distraction that I could think of, because I didn't want to think about what had just happened.
Mum, Dad and Isaac left the house in a hurry. Mum was freaking out, Dad was trying to sort her out, so Isaac came up to me, jingle-jangling some keys.
"Taylor's in hospital, I need you to look after Zoë, Mack, Avie and J for me," said Isaac calmly. He always worked so hard towards his favourite happy ending.
Thankfully, Zoë and Mackie were asleep. It was hitting Avie and Jessica's bedtime soon also.
After Isaac, Mum and Dad left, Avie came walking up the front.
"Where's Mummy?" she asked. "Tonight she promised she'd read me 'Lady and the Tramp'." Avie was going to grow up to want a knight in shining amour, she had a fetish for stories like 'Cinderella', 'The Little Mermaid', 'Sleeping Beauty' and the like. (The fairytales that were once a part of Isaac's bookshelf.)
"She's gone out," I said.
"Daddy?"
"With Mum?"
"Ikey?" Ike obviously had a flair for this, THAT's what he did when he missed the start of the eight-thirty movie! Reading bedtime stories!
"He's with Mum too." Avie frowned.
"Well, J's still sitting outside, and Mackie and Zoë can't read very well, oh, and Tay-ie's not here... can you read it?"
I sighed.
"Two dogs fall in love. The end."
"Zackie!" giggled Avie. "Read it properly!"
"Do I have to?" I said, taking the book from her.
"Awww..."
"How about... 'Sports Illustrated'?" I suggested, after spotting the latest issue on the coffee table.
"I don't wanna read that!" pouted Avie, enjoying the fun, as I opened her book, ready to read.
"How about-"
"ZACKIE!!! Read this!" And Avie promptly jumped into my lap!
"Okay, okay," I said, starting to read.
No more than two pages into the book, the phone rang.
"Hellooo?" I said.
"Zac, it's Dad," said the person on the other end of the phone. "We're still at the hospital."
"What's Tay broken now?" I joked. He was always the accident prone one.
"Zac, I don't know how to tell you this."
"Is there something, like, serious wrong?"
"I'm sorry, but Taylor's-"
BEEEP BEEEP BEEEP

* * * * *

Walker

"Oh shit," I muttered, hanging out the public phone. "Out of coins." I don't think Zac heard the end of my sentence, which was Taylor's fate.
It still hadn't sunk in that my own son had left me due to some illegal drug addiction. But what killed me the most was that I didn't even know about it.
My wife was rather distraught about the whole incident. I had sat with her in the Emergency Room, while nurses tried to help her with the shock.
The girl that had informed us about Taylor, Donna, sat with Isaac, crying streams of tears. She wasn't hysterical much like Diana was, but looked just as upset. Isaac sat with a shocked look on his face.
I leant against the phone with my head down, wondering what to do next. I lifted my head to see Diana weeping over the arm of the chair she was sitting in. I walked over to her, repetitively telling her that everything was going to be all right, even though it wasn't.
A great rush came through the doors of the emergency room. Journalists and photographers, all carrying microphones and cameras, rapidly walked over to us. All this frenzy only made Diana worse.
One of the journalists came up to Diana and I.
"Is it true that your heartthrob son Taylor has died of a drug overdose? Heroin we have reason to believe?" I looked away, not knowing what to say, as I placed one arm around Diana's shoulder.
I saw Donna stand up, and walk over to us.
"Listen you fuckin' deadshit paparazzi, just leave us alone us alone, okay?" And with that, Donna snatched the journalist's mini-tape recorder, smashing it to the ground. She turner her back to the journalist, and sat back next to Isaac. She started to cry more tears, burying her head into her hands.
A head nurse walked up to the group of journalists.
"I'd like you to leave now, you're disturbing the other patients and visitors."
"Exactly!" snapped Diana. She walked over to Isaac, and snatched the car keys that he was playing with in his hands. Diana stormed out of the hospital, not looking back.

* * * * *

Zachary

I put the phone down, obviously with a worried look on my face.
"Do you want me to go to bed now?" asked Avie. "You can read me 'Lady and the Tramp' some other time."
"Thanks," I said, as Avie put herself to bed. She knew something serious was wrong, just like I did.
I stared at the phone, wanting it to ring so badly. With no thought to the time, I picked up the phone, and dialled Lindy's number, which I had now learnt by heart.
"Hello?" said Lindy's voice into the phone.
"Lindy, it's Zac," I said. Right now, all I wanted was to talk to Lindy. I really, really, really like her, I've even been so lucky enough to kiss her, but I would love to take her out one day.
"Zac, no offence, but do you realise the time?"
"Sorta," I said. "But there's something SERIOUS wrong. Taylor's in hospital."
"Ohmigod, is he okay?" asked Lindy.
"Dad was about to tell me, then the phone cut out," I sighed.
"Haven't you ever read stories or seen movies about this thing?" said Lindy. She seemed to be quite the movie buff. "The patient always has a," she put a dramatic tone into her voice, "close brush with death," her voice returned to normal, "before waking up, someone tells a cheesy joke, and everyone lives happily ever after again." I saw my journal lying on the end of the couch, so as I picked it up, I said to Lindy,
"But this isn't a movie Lindy. This is real." I opened up to a fresh page in my journal. I love writing in my journal, because I don't have to be someone else's expectation. I can be me, the me who meant what he said by "I think it's because I'm so shy I just act wacky to make up for it."
I started to write, the words flowing from my pen.
"That's the extended disco remix of "Everything's gonna be all right"," explained Lindy.
"Thanks," I said, half my concentration on my journal. "I owe you another couple of thank yous also. The Zachary Walker Hanson Vent Session will end soon, thanks for listening. I will give you normal friendship and extras soon." Lindy giggled. "And this poem is for you. I guess it's a form of thank you."
"Can I hear it?" Lindy asked.
"Just a sec," I said, quickly writing out the last paragraph. "Okay, here it goes."

"It's all bottled up inside,
Nobody knows what I think.
I want to let someone know,
But to whom do I confide?

It all seems like a crazy game,
Minus all the rules.
Love and fear and confusion,
Plus a horrid thing called fame.

I now miss all the simple things,
Like quiet times and a smile.
I now wish they'd came back,
Or I could fly to them with wings.

But the blinding light of a harsh spotlight,
Has robbed me of these treasures.
What once upon a time was fun,
Has been killed by lights so bright.

So now that I've had my say,
And I've told it all to you.
All that I need you to do,
Is tell me it's gonna be okay."

When I finished reading it, there was silence on the other end of the phone. "Lindy? Did you like it?"
"Zac... I did. But I guess I should say it now. Quoting Britney Spears here, "I never promised you a happy ending". But... everything's going to be fine. I'm always here for you."
"Thanks," I repeated. A beeping noise was heard.
"Oh, that's my call waiting. Can you hold?"
"Yeah, sure."
On came that annoying piano music. During the five minutes I was on hold, I started to freak out about what might of happened to Taylor.
He's been hit by a car, and was in a coma.
He'd broken some serious.
He's died.
I shook that last thought from my mind, as the front door swung open, and my mother burst through in a fit of tears. A very solemn Isaac and Dad followed soon after.
"Zac? You still there? I think I know what happened to Taylor," said Lindy. "Remember I told you my mother was a journalist? She's one of those, she deserves this title, star-hounding, paparazzi journos, that's why I said you'd hate her. She rung from the hospital." Lindy paused. "Are you sure you want to hear this from me?"
"What is it?" I asked with great concern. Half wanting to go to mum, the other really wanted to stay on the phone with Lindy.
"Zachary," said Isaac, walking into the room. "I have some news about Taylor."
"No offence Linds, but Isaac here knows what happened too by the sound of it," I said. "I don't really trust what your mother might say about it."
"Don't worry, neither do I," said Lindy.
"Just wait a sec." I put the phone down on the phone table, as Isaac took a seat next to me.
"Well, I guess you saw Mum," started Isaac.
"Is it about Taylor?" I asked. Isaac nodded.
"Taylor had a heroin overdose." As soon as those words left his mouth, I started to fear for the worst again.
"They've doped him up that much?" I joked weakly. My real question was "Taylor was on heroin?" but I didn't ask it.
Isaac could only look down.
"Taylor died because of it."

* * * * *

Chapter Fourteen -- Not This Time (Rock-a-Bye)

Lindy

It was my mother that had called while I was talking to Zac.
"I'm sorry I'm not home, I don't know when I will be. There're some meat pies in the freezer you can defrost. But I have got the BIGGEST scoop! We have reason to believe Taylor Hanson has died of a heroin overdose!" Although probably a little upset, Mum's voice held excitement, obviously this was a huge headline.
"Aren't you sad about it at all?" I asked.
"Lindy, you don't understand. Taylor Hanson has been using drugs! That clean-cut 'MMMBop' boy! And imagine what the other two are doing!"
"You have NO respect!" I snapped, hanging up on her, and returning to Zac. I offered to tell him what happened, but it seems he wanted to hear it from Isaac. I don't even know if my mother's story was true, and I hoped with all my heart that it wasn't.
I could hear the conversation, and unfortunately my mother was right about what happened to Zac's brother.
"Oh," said Zachary. I thought I heard some sniffling, some quiet, mournful sobs.
I stayed on the line, even if they had forgotten me. I'm loyal to a point where it must be easy for people to use me. Victoria, the girl I hang out with for example, just lets me into her "crowd" to increase numbers; it makes her seem nicer and more popular. I talk to her about how I saw the new James Van Der Beek movie, or I'd ask her opinion on my new dress. I don't talk to her about how much I hate the way my mother is a tabloid junkie, (she's engaged Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston twice -- and they didn't even know about it) or... how I'm falling in Love with Zachary Hanson.

* * * * *

Isaac

"I think I might go to bed," sniffed Zac, as he picked up his journal, and walked off to the bedroom, crying all the way. I noticed he hadn't said goodbye to his friend Lindy.
Picking up the phone, I said into it,
"Hello, Lindy?"
"Hi... this isn't Zac, is it?" said a grim sounding Lindy.
"No, this is Isaac. Zac's gone to bed, he's a little distressed about what happened."
"I'm sorry," said Lindy. "I know everything, my mother rang before explaining it. She's a trashy tabloid journo."
"Oh. Well, thanks for staying on the line."
"No problem." There was a pause. "I don't know what to say."
"No one does," I said. "See ya'." As I hung the phone up, I just sat on the couch. I guess I was waiting for Taylor to stumble in the door, or for Taylor to walk in, requesting to watch the 'Friends' marathon that was on that night. I was waiting for something that wasn't going to happen.

* * * * *

Jocie

"That... was Taylor Hanson? As in 'MMMBop, doobie da ba doo bop'?" questioned Monika, one of the girls at the party. I nodded. "Donna's been fucking him?"
"I don't know," I said.
We were all too out of it to think straight. Jordan/Taylor could've possibly died for all we knew.
There was a knock at the door. Since I was the one standing up, I answered it.
"Hello?" I said to the two people standing on the doorstep. "It's too late for me to be buying steak knifes."
"No, we're not here to sell steak knifes." The chick with a big fluffy microphone forced a laugh.
"What do you want?" I asked.
"Just to talk to you and your party." Being off my face, I didn't entirely know what I was saying until I said it.
"It's invitation only, and it's not my party."
"So who was on the guest list?" She made a wave with her hand to the guy behind her, who carried a big, bulky camera.
"Why do you care?"
"Well, I'll cut straight to the chase." She pushed past me, dragging her camera man friend with her. "Do you know where Taylor Hanson is? He was here according to my source."
"Well duh," said Monika from the couch.
"Shut the fuck up," I hissed. "You lot are journos, aren't you?"
"And we do a fine good job too."
Phil stumbled in from the kitchen, a joint in one hand, beer in another.
"Wha' are you lot doin' 'ere?" he slurred.
"Good question," added Baz. He started to lead the journalists to the door. "I want you to leave my house. Now," ordered Baz. We'd all been affected (as much as wasted people can be anyway) by what had happened to Jordan/Taylor, usually we wouldn't care about these journalists, we'd know how to handle them better. But the extra weight of "What was going to happen to Jordan/Taylor?" was distracting us from our normal, manipulative ways.
"We just want to ask you guys some questions," said the journo, in a sweet and bitchy voice, ala 'Melrose Place'.
Phil had been trying to get wasted so bad. He had felt awfully guilty about what had happened to Jordan/Taylor. He was most definitely was the most trashed out of all of us.
"Just fuckin' leave," he slurred, stumbling over to them. "Jordan's overdosed on smack-" Baz and I raced over to the babbling Phil, trying to get him to stop talking. "It's my fault! I gave him the fuckin' bad E, and now he could've died because of it. It's all my fault," he said, smashing the bottle of alcohol he held against the wall. "All my fault," he repeated, slashing his wrists with the bottle.
"Shit," I muttered, trying to snatch the broken glass from him.
"We've got our story," said the journo. She tapped the cameraman on the shoulder. "We're going to the hospital." They hurried out the door.
"Good one dude," said Monika, as I finally was able to grab a hold of the broken bottle.
Phil stumbled over to Monika, and tried to throw a punch at her. It failed, and he ended up falling on his behind at her feet.
"You suck," muttered Monika, giving Phil a slight kick.
"Yeah," I agreed. "Don't go around blaming yourself for something that hasn't happened yet. You never know. Jordan, or Taylor, or whoever, might live."
"Bullshit," said Phil. "I killed him. Full stop."

* * * * *

Donna

I decided to return to the party, and tell everyone what happened to Taylor. I got Isaac to drive me back to the party. I would also have to risk driving my parent's car home. (I failed my driver's test, and I haven't gotten around to taking it again.)
I walked into the house, and I could sense a solemn atmosphere.
Jocie stood up, and walked over to me.
"So, what happened?" I sniffed, and I could tell that I would start crying again.
"Taylor died," I whispered.
"Oh shit," muttered Jocie. "Girl, don't tell Phil that." As I battled tears again, Jocie continued. "He's totally trashed, and he's goin' on about he killed Jordan, sorry, Taylor. And some journos came around before, wanting to know where Jor-Taylor was. Phil busted us."
My tears started to fall more rapidly.
"There was heaps of journos at the hospital," I sobbed. "They were giving us hell and shit. I just went off at them, broke their recorder, then Taylor's mum stormed off," I retold. "Why could they just fuckin' LEAVE us ALONE???" I screamed.
"Shhh," hushed Jocie. "Do you want me to drive you home?" I nodded.
Barry came up to us.
"So, what happened?" Baz asked.
Jocie spoke in a hushed whisper to Barry, as I walked up to the bedroom where Taylor and I were last.
I spied Taylor's jacket on the floor. Walking up to it, I picked it up gently, as if it were a valuable treasure.
The jacket was red corduroy, with two pockets at the chest. It had a cigarette-smoky smell about it, as well as a faint smell of cologne.
I clutched the jacket to my heart, (or thereabouts) crying mournful tears into the soft, worn material.
"Donna?" said a soft voice. I turned to face Jocie. She came towards me, and opened up her arms. She enveloped me into an embrace, kissing the top of my head lightly. More tears cascaded down my face. "Shhh..." Then, I heard something from Jocie I thought I never would.
Jocie started to sing.

"He lived with the children of the stars
In the Hollywood Hills on the Boulevard
His parents threw big parties, everyone was there
They hung out with people like Dennis Hopper, Bob Segar and Sonny and Cher

He felt safe now in this bar on Fairfax
And from the stage I can tell that he can't let go, and he can't relax
And just before he hangs his head to cry
I sing to him, a lullaby

Everything's gonna be all right
Rock-a-bye, rock-a-bye
Everything's gonna be all right
Rock-a-bye, rock-a-bye
Rock-a-bye

He still lives with his mom outside the city
Down that street about a half a mile
And all his friends tell him, he's so gorgeous
And he'd be a whole lot more attractive, if he smiled once in awhile
Coz even a smile looks like a frown
And he's seen his share of devils in this angel town

Everything's gonna be all right
Rock-a-bye, rock-a-bye
Everything's gonna be all right
Rock-a-bye, rock-a-bye
Rock-a-bye"

Jocie's voice was amazingly angelic and soft. (A little raspy, for she had been smoking all night.) Obviously she changed the lyrics; I remembered the song to be called 'Rock-a-bye' or something, by some guy I can never remember. I'd told her the little bit I knew about Hanson, she'd changed the lyrics to accommodate his life. (To a degree.)
I stood there, sobbing into her comforting arms, for what seemed like forever. I just wish forever wasn't so long, because it was forever that I was going to have to live with the guilt of harming someone I was really close to.

* * * * *

Zachary

I woke up the next morning, my pillowcase wet through with tears. The end of a lock of hair on my left was looking fairly average, after chewing on it all night. I still wore the clothes I was wearing yesterday, for I had cried myself to sleep after hearing about Taylor.
Sitting up in my trundle bed, I found the room to be empty. Taylor's bed was neatly made and unslept in. I realised never again would Taylor sleep in that bed. Isaac's bed wasn't slept in either.
I changed my T-shirt, my 'South Park' shirt just making my mournful mood worse.
I walked out the front, and saw Isaac asleep on the couch. Leaving him be, I walked into the kitchen, out onto the decking, to see Jessica swinging on the porch swing. I didn't feel like eating right then, so I took a seat next to Jessica.
"Did Taylor come home?" she asked, looking directly at me. I shook my head. "So does anyone know where he is?" I nodded. "Where is he?" I sighed. Obviously she didn't know.
"Heaven," I said, not looking at Jessica.
"A trashy nightclub he'd go to?" I shook my head.
"Taylor's passed away, he," I gulped, swallowing a lump in my throat, "died."
"But Taylor always comes home," said Jessica.
"Not this time J," I said, blinkly furiously. "Not this time."

* * * * *

Chapter Fifteen -- Always

Lindy

I watched Vicky's 'Tulsa, Tokyo, and the Middle of Nowhere' Hanson video, she'd left it here last time she slept the night.
The Zachary I met was so different to the clown in the home movies and interviews on the video. Oh sure, "my" Zachary told jokes in funny voices, and was full of hyperactive energy, but he also had a sensitive, emotional side. He had feelings too.
Then I looked at Taylor. It was hard to believe that he was no longer with us. I thought deaths like his only ever happened in movies and on shows like 'A Current Affair'. I never thought they were real. (My mother often reported on them, but when she started gossiping and talking about her job, I tuned out.)
But something like that had affected one of my friends.
I'd only ever met Taylor once, and he was most definitely differently to the boy in Vicky's video. The Taylor I met looked tired, upset, and from a little help from Zac, utterly sick to death of being a "heartthrob celebrity".
Suddenly, someone burst through the door. It was Mum.
"Lindy, I need to use the TV, thanks hon." Mum ejected Vicky's video, and slid in the one that was obviously more important.
"Hey, I was watching that!" I cried. As Mum rewound her tape, she looked at Vicky's.
"Oh Linds... listen, it looks like this Hanson thing has hit you hard. I don't want you to see this."
I glared at her, before storming off down the hall, slamming the living room door behind me.
I wasn't going to be beaten that easily though. So I wouldn't watch Mum's video now. Well then, I'll just have to watch it later.
I could hear what was on the video, but I did hear Mum eject it, shouting, "Yes, scoop! You go Penny!" I ran up to my bedroom, as I watched Mum go into the study. Walking out of my room, I headed back to the living room, walking past the study. Taking a peak, I saw Mum store the video with the rest of hers on the bookshelf. Unlike all her other black covered videos, this one was grey.
Returning to my room, I turned my CD player onto my Goo Goo Dolls CD, while ignoring Mum's pathetic attempts at peace.

* * * * *

Victoria

I bounded out of bed, all refreshed and ready to face the day. I wondered if Lindy was going to be at school today. Although she's quiet, her absence was noted yesterday.
Lindy and I aren't all that close. We always hang out together, but we were like chalk and cheese, and in this case, opposites didn't attract.
I'm what this world has deemed to be a "teenybopper". I play the same bubble-gum pop songs over and over and I believe and react to every rumour I hear, (well, I've learnt my lesson about that -- never believe the columnist Samantha Parker-Tylers!) My walls are plastered with Hanson posters from '16' and 'Bop', and I scream whenever someone drops any one or all of the four magic words -- "Isaac", "Taylor", "Zachary" and or "Hanson".
Lindy on the other hand, well, she actually was more of a movie buff. But when she moved to Pasadena, I "adopted" her out of pity on her first day at school, and introduced her to Hanson's music. I took her to their latest in-store, gave her some posters, and gave her the places and people where she could get cheap Hanson CD's from. But she still wasn't "into" Hanson like I was. She appreciates Hanson, and other music, in a different way, and there's nothing wrong with that. That's what made us different. There's nothing wrong with that, as I said, but that's why we didn't click in a best friend sense.
I grabbed a tub of yoghurt from the fridge, and a spoon from the drawer, before taking a seat at the breakfast bar.
My elder sister had brought the paper in, so I opened it, looking for the comics. While flicking through it, ten or fifteen pages at a time, I found a little picture of Taylor Hanson on my third flick, in the gossip, tabloid column. (There's a different journalist every day of the working week.) My breath caught in my throat. Taylor Hanson was sooo beautiful. After drooling for a couple of seconds (my sister's favourite line was "Would you like a rag with that?") I concentrated on the article.

Pop sensation Taylor Hanson passed away last night due to a heroin overdose.

I choked on my yoghurt, standing up from the barstool. I didn't believe that opening paragraph to the article.
So I read it again.

Pop sensation Taylor Hanson passed away last night due to a heroin overdose.

I checked who wrote the article.

Samantha Parker-Tylers

I breathed a sigh of relief. That journalist could tell the truth if it, hehe, MMMBopped her in the face.
I knew that I would be able to turn on 'Entertainment Tonight' this evening, and see Taylor Hanson, smiling about this latest rumour spread about him. And a heroin overdose? Please, Samantha Parker-Tylers must be running out of ideas.
Snatching the scissors from the top of the fridge, I carefully cut the picture of Taylor Hanson out. As I ran to my room to stick it up on my wall, I thought to myself, Taylor Hanson dying of a drug overdose? Impossible.

* * * * *

Isaac

The taste of sleep filled my mouth, as I awoke from my uncomfortable position on the couch. I never bothered going to bed last night, and I guess I stayed up all night waiting for Taylor to come home. I always thought life had a happy ending. And if it meant staying up every night, waiting for Taylor to walk through the door, to prove my point right, then I was willing to do that.
Stepping into the kitchen, I saw Zac and Jessica swinging on the porch swing together. Jessica was crying, and I could tell Zac was battling tears.
Focusing my attention on the window that faced the street in the kitchen, I leant against the sink. I felt guilty for not shedding any tears for Taylor. Then again, I guess I still held that flicker of hope, that this was all a crazy game, or joke, or dream, and that I would be waking up soon, or someone would shout "Just kidding!" If it were a joke, it was an awful joke at that.
Grabbing my coffee mug from the cupboard, and starting to boil some water in the electric kettle, I put a teaspoon full of instant coffee into my mug.
This was an activity I did every morning, I always made a cup of coffee. But this morning, it didn't feel right. I didn't hear the sounds of Taylor plodding into the kitchen, requesting an ice-cold glass of mineral water, or the sounds of Zac kicking around a soccer ball. Instead, I heard nothing on Taylor's behalf, and Zac talking quietly to Jessica.
It was far too hard to take in. Never again would my mornings be the same. Never again would I be pouring Taylor's glass of mineral water, in the Stan 'South Park' Marsh frosted glass that I always used for him.
As I pondered on this, still not sure about anything right now, Jessica walked into the kitchen.
"Zackie's not telling the truth, is he?" Her voice shook like a leaf. "Taylor's going to come home. Any minute now." The upset girl walked into the kitchen, pouring herself a glass of orange juice. "Any minute now," she repeated. She took a sip from her glass, before slamming it back down on the table. She faced me, and it gave me the chance to look at her tear-stained face. "Taylor's gone," she squeaked. Jessica walked over to me, and I opened up my arms, inviting her for a cuddle.
"I know," I said, verging on tears myself. Still, they refused to fall.
"I was wrong," said Jessica, looking up at me. "But Taylor always comes home Ikey," she explained. "I watch from my bedroom window. He leaves, then he comes back, looking sick. But he always, ALWAYS came home!" she wailed.
I started to rock her; it was almost like dancing. Jessica still wore yesterday's clothes too; it looks like neither of us went to bed last night. She shook in my arms, she shook physically like her voice shook before.
Gently I leant my head on her, while playing with the long plait she had in her hair. And as sad and distressing as this all was, my eyes remained dry.

* * * * *

Donna

I woke up the next morning, with the flashing blue eyes of Taylor Hanson lying next to me.
"Good morning Donna," he smiled, kissing my lips. His arms snaked around me, pulling me closer. I could feel his nakedness against mine, and I knew what we had been doing.
"'Morning Taylor," I echoed, inviting his lips to mine. He wasted no time in responding. "Taylor," I started to moan, as his mouth left mine. "Taylor, Taylor...
"...Taylor, Taylor," I moaned, my eyes adjusting to the morning light. I didn't feel his lips on my chest, and I couldn't feel him inside me. I patted around my bed. It had been a dream.
I bolted upright in bed, looking for those dazzling blue eyes to look into. Spotting his red jacket on the other side of the double bed, I prayed he would be in it. Lifting up the jacket, I found it empty.
As my awareness came about, everything that had happened that night came flooding back. The party, the drugs, the hospital, the journos... everything.
"Taylor?" I sniffed. Maybe he was in the room. "Taylor?"
The door creaked open a bit. This wasn't even my room, my door never creaked.
"Donna?" said a voice.
"Taylor?"
"No, it's Jocie," she said gently, opening the door fully, letting herself in. "How'd you sleep?"
"Where's Taylor?" I asked. Maybe he was here still.
"Donna, you remember what happened to Taylor," reminded Jocie, sitting on the end of the bed.
"So it is real," I said to myself. I grabbed a hold of Taylor's jacket, putting it on. I wore only my under-clothes, so this covered me up a bit. I looked around the room. "This isn't the room where Taylor..." Jocie nodded. I clutched the jacket around me.
"We're still at Baz's house. Phil's still here too." I hung my head, replaying what happened last night.
"I don't know what happened," I whispered. Jocie crawled up along the bed, sitting next to me. "We were just makin' out, y'know? Then he said he was so cold, then he threw up... he was shaking." Jocie was silent. "I didn't love him," I squeaked. "That part of it was just lust, chemistry." I thought a little more. "But he was a good friend. I barely knew him, but I could tell, if last night," I choked on those two words, "if it hadn't of happened, we would've become close friends." My breathing started to become heavier.
"Donna... no one knows what to say," admitted Jocie.
"Neither do I," I said, swallowing a lump in my throat. "All I want is Taylor back."

* * * * *

Chapter Sixteen -- May You Find Some Comfort Here

Victoria

Walking through the school gates, Joanne, one of my friends, ran up to me.
"Taylor Hanson died last night! The whole school's talking."
"Jo, did you see who wrote that article? Samantha Parker-Tylers. She wouldn't know the truth if she tripped over it," I assured. Joanne still looked freaked.
"You sure?" Joanne paused. "No, you're right. I remember seeing Samantha Parker-Tylers' name up the top of the article when she announced Hanson had died in the car crash in Paris." Joanne looked a little bit more relaxed. "She likes killing those guys."
"And anyway," I added. "A drug overdose? Taylor Hanson?" I shook my head in disbelief. "That was River Phoniex."
"Exactly," agreed Joanne.
As we walked past some older students, I managed to catch some of their conversation.
"Listen, I got a call from Jocie today. A friend of her died last night." The crowd gasped. "He OD'd." Joanne had been talking to me while I overheard the conversation.
"Vicky? Did you hear a word I said?" asked Joanne.
"Huh?" I said.
"You dork," laughed Joanne. "I said, do you know where Lindy is? Isn't she usually with you by now?"
"I don't know," I admitted. "She wasn't at school yesterday, and she isn't here now... I don't know what's happened. Her asthma doesn't usually last this long." Joanne started to laugh.
"Shouldn't we be able to pull out our mobile phones, and ring her? We live in LA don't we?"
"Now who's the dork?"

* * * * *

Lindy

I just couldn't bear to go to school today. I would have to face Vicky about Taylor, if she didn't already know. Of course, if she heard it from my mother's column, then she might not believe it. That would bide some time, at least she'd be happy for another day.
Normally, I would worry about what my mother would do if she found I skipped another day of school. Today, I didn't care. Nothing mattered. Nothing at all. All I could think about was how were the Hanson family doing. All I could think about was about Zachary.
RING RING
The phone rang, so I picked it up from my spot in the kitchen in front of my untouched bowl of cereal.
"Hello?"
"Lindy, why aren't you at school?" demanded my mother.
"I can't go to school. How am I supposed to face my friends after last night?"
"Lindy, Taylor Hanson was a pop star you never had anything to do with except that in-store last week!" snapped Mum. "Get over it!"
"How do you know I didn't know Taylor?" I retorted. "Coz I did."
"You did not."
"I did too." I paused. "Thing is, you're never home. There was no time to tell you about my new friends. Who's Vicky? Who's Joanne? Who's Becky?" I asked. Mum was silent. "You know nothing about me. And, I never BOTHERED to take the time to tell you about my new friend Zac, coz you'd just press me for details. You'd just use me to invade his privacy more than you've already done."
"I haven't invaded Hanson's privacy," protested Mum.
"It's not just about Hanson," I said. "All of those famous people aren't different because they hold some sort of tag, like Scary, Baby, Ginger, I don't know! They're real. They don't deserve media sleazy people like you destroying their life."
"Lindy, I rang you to find out why you weren't at school, I didn't ask you to lecture me on my job!"
"Well at least you admit to it," I said, hanging up.

* * * * *

Anthony

"Dude, where's your chick Donna?" asked one of my friends, Preston.
"I broke up with her, remember?"
"Yeah, and you told me she stormed out of school yesterday because of it. But you couldn't have caused her this much shit? She'd not here today either."
"Pres, she's not my responsibility any more. Not that she ever was my RESPONSIBILITY, but, man, I'm going with Gwyn now," I explained. Preston was really rubbing this in.
Preston always had a thing about Donna, who everyone thought was a slut. He saw a different Donna, the Donna I sort of knew. He was really happy when I started seeing her. But, I didn't feel it was Love, and Love was what I was looking for. Rather than draw out something that wasn't going to last, I decided to end it with her. Once I'd gotton some… she was good. Pleasure is hard to find.
"Whatever," said Preston, looking for a subject changer. "Meanwhile, did you hear about Donna's favourite band Hanson?"
"No," I asked, my head turning. Hanson? Taylor was apart of that.
"The middle one, Taylor, he died last night. Overdosed or something," said Preston, in thought. "Y'know, I never liked the fuckheads, but I, I feel sad about that."
"Taylor died?" I asked.
"That's the rumour."
"Yeah, from Samantha Parker-Tylers!" shouted someone. "Rest easy, it's a load of bullshit!"
I decided to go by the Hanson's house that afternoon... as I hoped that all it was, was a rumour.

* * * * *

Zachary

"Zac, it's Lindy," said Isaac, as he interrupted me kicking about my soccer ball in the backyard. I could always think straight when kicking around the worn, old ball. Just sitting on the deck swing, my thoughts jumbled together.
I ran inside, picking up the phone in the living room.
"Lindy?" I said.
"Hey Zac." She sounded upset. "How are you?"
"I dunno," I said, swallowing a lump in my throat. "Trying to let it sink in really."
"Well, not meaning to sound uncaring, but what are you doing right now?"
"Nothing, I was just kicking around a soccer ball." I hoped Lindy wanted to come around, she was the person I really wanted to talk to right now.
"Could I come around?" asked Lindy. "I've got a video here, it's Mum's, she wouldn't let me see it last night, she says what had happened to Taylor had hit me to hard, it would've made it worse. I don't know what's on it, and my Mum's pissing me off-"
"Linds, come around, please," I said. Lindy was most definitely what I needed. "My Dad's just driving about, if he's anywhere near your place, I'll get him to pick you up."
"You sure?"
"I'll call you back in five with the okay."

* * * * *

Lindy

After a silent car ride with Mr. Hanson, he dropped me out the front of the Hanson home.
I saw Zac open the front door, and so I jogged up to the porch.
"Hey," I said, my voice shaking.
"Come in," said Zac softly, closing the door behind me once I was inside.
I've only ever been here once, but it was almost by force of habit, we took our seats on the couch.
"I don't know what to say," I said, in an almost whisper, throwing the video carefully to the floor.
"Well, do you have a clue what's on that video?" asked Zac. "I'm really curious about Taylor." Zac had quite a bit of trouble with the word "Taylor".
"All I know is that it's got something to do with Taylor," I admitted. "Do you want to watch it?"
"Put it in," he said, as I crawled across the VCR. Slipping the tape in, I asked,
"What TV channel?"
"Channel four." Flicking all the right controls, soon an image of around seven teenagers rolled on. I crawled back onto the couch, sliding up next to Zac.
"Why do you care?" snapped a girl into the camera.
"Well, I'll cut straight to the chase. Do you know where Taylor Hanson is? He was here according to my source," said a lady holding a big fluffy microphone.
"Well duh," said someone else, who wasn't in view.
"Shut the fuck up," hissed the first girl. "You lot are journos, aren't you?" I recognised her.
"I go to school with that girl, she's in a few years older me. I think her name's Jodie, or Jocie, or something," I explained.
"And we do a fine good job too," said fluffy mike girl. Studying her carefully, I saw that it was Penny, Mum's best friend from work.
"That's Mum's best friend from work," I said to Zac. "Her name's Penny."
Someone, a guy, stumbled into focus.
"Wha' are you lot doin' 'ere?" he slurred. He held a bottle in one hand, and a cigarette in another.
"Good question," added another guy. He stood up, and walked into the screen. "I want you to leave my house. Now," he ordered.
"We just want to ask you guys some questions," said Penny, in a voice that reminds me of all the school tarts you see in movies.
"Just fuckin' leave," slurred the drunk guy, stumbling over to them. "Jordan's overdosed on smack-" The first girl, and the guy whose house it was ran over to him, trying to silence him I think. "It's my fault! I gave him the fuckin' bad E, and now he could've died because of it. It's all my fault," said the drunk guy, smashing the bottle of alcohol he held against the wall. "All my fault," he repeated, slashing his wrists with the bottle. I cringed, as blood dripped down his wrists.
"Shit," the first girl muttered, trying to snatch the broken glass from him.
"We've got our story," said Penny. Then the screen went blank.
I looked down, then up to Zac. He looked rather upset, pulling his hair back from his face, smoothing it down into a ponytail, before letting it go. One tendril fell, and I saw Zac start to chew it.
"Are you okay Zac?" I asked softly.
"He was hanging out with those people?" Zac said. "He mixed with people like that?"
"I'm sorry," I said.
"About what?" said Zac.
"About the video," I said. I think it was obvious that I could handle what I had seen as much as Zac.
"Don't be," said Zac.
"Actually, you can blame my mother. She's told the whole town through her trashy newspaper column about something that isn't even her business!" I said, swiping at my eyes.
"Lindy," said Zac, upset too I think. He placed his arm around me, and I fell into his arms, crying.
"I'm sorry about Taylor, and about my mother. I hate the way she never has any respect, except for herself." I felt Zac close his arms around me, one or two teardrops falling onto my neck, which was exposed by my hair being up in a ponytail.
"Shhh Lindy," hushed Zac, his voice shaking.
"I'm sorry Zac," I sobbed. "Just turning up like this, showing you that video, then bawling my eyes out." I looked up at him. His eyes glistened, and he smiled me a sad smile.
"It's the Lindy Tylers Vent Session," he said, his joke unsuccessful, but meaningful. "Things like this have to go two ways."
"Thank you Zac," I said, in a wavering tone. I rested my head back where it was, against his chest. My arms snaked to his shoulders. The comfort he provided was enough for now.

* * * * *

Zachary

I remembered telling Lindy that I was a man, and I didn't express emotions. Well, I know I was joking at the time, but very rarely did I tell or show what I was feeling. When I found out about Taylor for example, the first thing I did was run to my room. And I never told Taylor and Isaac how annoyed I was with their fighting.
Lindy was the first person who could boast seeing me cry, and even now she still probably didn't know.
But as we held each other, Lindy's arms were comfort. Nothing was okay right now; I'd lost my brother, one of my best friends. But Lindy was on my side, and we would need each other to get through this.

* * * * *

Chapter Seventeen -- The Kind of Person Isaac Is

Fiona

I picked up the newspaper from the front lawn, thinking about how Bryan, Rich, and I were off to LA to see the Hanson's again! Flicking the paper open on my way inside, the first thing that jumped out at me when I turned to the entertainment pages was a picture of Isaac and his brothers.
Taking a seat at the kitchen table, I read the article about Taylor dying of a heroin overdose. Man, I thought, people are still creating stories from the whole River Phoniex/Kurt Cobain thing? Checking my watch, and doing some quick calculations in my head, I figured now would be a good time to give the family a ring. Picking up the phone, I dialled the number posted on the fridge.
RING RING
"Hello?" said an expectant voice; Isaac's expectant voice.
"Have I been replaced? I joked. "Waiting for some Hollywood chick to call you?"
"Fiona," sighed Isaac. "It's you."
"It's me. I just heard the latest rumour about you guys, about Taylor in particular," I giggled. "I think they're running out of ideas, like I mean, a heroin overdose-" Isaac cut me short.
"Fiona... it's true."
I almost fell over.
"Taylor passed away last night," continued Isaac softly.
"I-I-I I'm so sorry," I said, kicking myself for joking about it, for after Paris, and the whole 'Princess Diana died in a car crash, so did every other celebrity' deal, we often joked about the various rumours spread about the boys.
"You weren't to know," said Isaac.
"Oh God," I said. "What happened?"
"It's all in the article," Isaac said, his voice so sad and mournful. "He stormed out last night, and, well, didn't come back. He overdosed on heroin," told Isaac.
"Oh God," I repeated. "Are we both talking about Taylor? Tayles? Tay-ie?" I refused to believe this. This only ever happened to strung out rock stars driven to distraction...
"Mmmmhmmm." I could barely hear Isaac when he said that, and he startled me when he started to speak again. "I'm still waiting for him to come home, y'know? I'm waiting for him to come up to me when I'm making a coffee, and ask for a glass of mineral water in his 'South Park' glass."
I was rendered speechless. It wasn't as if Isaac was crying (he never was the crying type) he was just so quiet. I finally decided to speak.
"Uh, me, Bryan, and Rich are coming up tomorrow, that was another purpose to this phone call." A subject change made me feel disrespectful towards Taylor, but what else could I do?
"That's right," said Isaac. "When are you coming out?"
"Wednesday," I responded. "It was going to be a surprise, but..."
"That's okay," assured Isaac. "I'm really glad you guys are coming out here, I miss you." I was touched by his appreciation.
"Thanks, we all miss you lot too." Think Fiona, I thought to myself, you'll forever miss Taylor, you'll never see him again... "We'll see you in a day then."
"Love you," he said. I smiled. Isaac always loved things to end on the highest note possible, and I liked that. He's the kind of person you'd love to come home to after a bad day.
"Love you too," I responded, gently setting the phone down.

* * * * *

Donna

Jocie had left to help Phil, promising a return. I continued to sit on the bed, my knees pressed against my chest, Taylor's jacket hanging from my shoulder's unbuttoned.
You know how some mornings you wake up, and something physical about you just doesn't feel right? That's what I felt. It wasn't because of what happened to Taylor, something about my body, or my instinct told me, that something was up.
Deciding to forget about it for now, it was the least of my troubles on my mind right now, I slid on my skirt, and buttoned up Taylor's jacket, walking down into the main room of Barry's house.
"Hey Donna," said Barry, sitting on the couch. I waved, not up for speaking just yet. "How you feeling?" he continued.
"Like shit run over twice," I mumbled, feeling tears stinging my eyes again, as I flopped onto the couch. "Don't ask me anything like that please," I then added. Baz nodded.
DING DONG
I stood up, beating Barry to the door. I needed a distraction, and whoever might be at the door could help me with that maybe.
I opened the door to two girls, wearing my school's uniform. I think they were in the year below me. They held two bunches of flowers each.
"We hope we don't upset you or anyone by asking this," said the red head.
"But is what happened to Taylor Hanson true?" asked the brunette. It was a well-rehearsed speech, and I thought it was sweet of the girls to go to the trouble.
"Yes, it's true," I said softly. "Sorry girls." The red head spoke again.
"Did it happen here?" The stinging behind me eyes flared up again, and I nodded. The girls held out one bunch of flowers each.
"Well, these are for you." I took the bunches of roses carefully. "We're sorry." They looked so upset, even silent tears ran down the brunette's face. The red head looked at her watch.
"We've got to go now, recess will be over and we won't be back in time."
"I know," I said. "Thanks for the flowers."
"You're welcome," they said, before leaving. I closed the door.
"They gave us flowers," I said to Barry. He stood up.
"I barely knew Jordan," said Barry. "Two hours, max. And nothing I say or do is going to bring him back." Baz paused. "But we're going to have people stop by all the time, giving us flowers and stuff-"
"How do they know we're here, Like, I mean, how do they know Taylor..." I couldn't finish my sentence, so Barry continued with his.
"It was in the paper this morning. Anyway, how would you like to have sort of a, I think the word's shrine for Taylor, just outside?" I listened to what sounded like a very respectful idea from Barry. "People could lay flowers and whatever they wish out the front. Hey, they can write on the wall with chalk if they want." I walked over to Barry, giving him a huge hug as well as I could, clutching the roses.
"Thank you," I said, going into full-fledged tears again.
I've never really cried before in my life. Not when a boyfriend dumped me, not when Fudge the hamster died, not when that bitch Janey from year four gave me hell all year. I remember someone telling me that I should just have a big cry every now and then, instead of bottling it all up.
Now, I saw their reasoning. All I had done for the past twelve hours or so was bawl my eyes out, and I was hating it. Not only was I mourning Taylor, I was crying for everything else I'd ever been upset about in my whole life.

* * * * *

Lindy

Zac had been a little quiet as we just sat on the couch. Shifting slightly, I realised he had fallen asleep. Moving out of his arms, I noticed around his eyes was red, proving he had been crying. I wiped my eyes with the sleeve of my jumper.
Gently lying Zac down on the couch, I ejected the video out of the VCR, and turned the TV off, it had caused enough destruction. I slipped the video back into its cover, deciding to destroy the video later.
Remembering my way into the kitchen, I saw Zac's oldest brother Isaac sitting at the breakfast bar.
"Hey," I said softly. He turned toward me.
"Hi Lindy," he said. A sad smiled appeared on his face. "Where's Zac?"
"He fell asleep," I said, looking into the living room where I had come from.
"No one slept too well last night. Ave and Baby Z and Mackie are still asleep." Isaac put a guilty look on his face. "No one's told them yet." As I started to open cupboards at random, trying to find a glass for some water, I said,
"It's not exactly an easy thing to tell someone." Finally spotting some glasses, I picked the first one my hand grabbed.
"Don't use that glass," said Isaac. I looked at it. It had a picture of Stan from 'South Park' on it. "It used to be Taylor's." I hurriedly put it back. Isaac got up from his chair, and handed me another glass. I nodded thank you, walking over to the sink. "I'm sorry, but..."
"Don't worry," I assured, this whole conversation uncomfortable. The water filling the glass was the only sound heard until I spoke again, "I haven't been through something like this before. And I haven't a clue on how to act either. That's sorry in advance."
"Don't be," said Isaac. "Just look after Zachary for us, that's all we ask." I smiled, my eyes full of sadness.
"Only too pleased too," I said.
Isaac seemed to be the kind of person who would ask favours of everyone, organise and keep people together, the kind of person you would want to run into on a dark street, and seek comfort because you were lost.
I finished off the rest of my water, before placing the glass on the sink.
"Talk to you later?" I said. Isaac nodded, as I went back to sit with Zac.
I looked at him. From what I could see, his sleep wasn't necessarily peaceful, but he didn't look upset either. I took a seat on the ground in front of him, and grabbed his hand that hung from the couch, clasping it in my own.
Leaning against the foot of the couch more, I began to lightly doze myself, sleep not being number one priority last night. Something as simple as sleeping becomes difficult in such a mournful situation.

* * * * *

Isaac

DING DONG
I walked past the French doors that let you into the living room to see Zac asleep on the couch, and Lindy sitting on the floor, holding his hand and leaning against the couch, sleeping also. Lindy was exactly was Zac needed, someone to turn to.
I opened the door to two school uniform clad girls. They each held out a bunch of roses. The brunette's face was tear-stained, and she was hiccupping slightly, so the red head stepped forward.
"We heard about what happened to Taylor, and we just want to give these to you, we're so sorry." I carefully took the flowers from the girls.
"Thank you so much," I said softly. The red head then looked at her watch. "We've got to be back at school now. You have our sympathy," she said, before her and the brunette walked away. I closed the door, another wave of sadness sweeping over me, as I clutched the roses in my hands.
I didn't know where to put the flowers. Last time we had fresh flowers in our house, it was a grandmother; thanking Mum for finding her lost grand daughter at the shopping centre. The flowers I held in my hands right now were in memory of one of my best friends, and brother, who had left me, and everyone who loved him, in a state of shock and mourning. They were like a sign telling me that Taylor was gone, forever, and nothing would bring him back.
I walked up to the bedroom Taylor and I shared. His bed was perfectly made. Gently, I laid the flowers on his pillow.
"See ya' Tay," I whispered, before leaving the room, and shutting the door.

* * * * *

Chapter Eighteen -- Taylor's Shrine

Anthony

As soon as school let out, I walked to where the Hanson family lived. I always remembered where it was, particularly by the plastic Fisherprice swing that was tied to a tree out the front.
As I neared the house, the little feeling of dread in my stomach multiplied. By the time I was walking up the front porch, I was just about to hurl the pizza and Coke I had for lunch. As I pressed the doorbell, I began frantically praying. Please let the whole thing be a rumour. Please Taylor, just answer the door.
A guy, who looked in his late teens, answered the door. I remembered his name to be Isaac, the eldest of the Hanson trio. I started to speak.
"Hi, I don't think you know me, I'm Anthony, one of Taylor's friends." I didn't know what to say; I don't ask pop stars about rumours as a regular.
"Anthony. Taylor mentioned you once," nodded Isaac.
"Anyway," I continued, taking a huge breath, "a rumour was flying around campus today, about Taylor," I said, starting to stutter a little. "That he, uh..."
"About the overdose?" said Isaac softly. As the conversation continued, the more I realised this wasn't a rumour. "That's true, I'm sorry to say Anthony." Isaac looked so upset, yet his face showed no sign of tears. I could feel my eyes stinging slightly. "I just got a call from some people Taylor was with last night, if you wish to give us flowers, there's special shrine being set up at their place, so if that's what you want to do, I could give you the address."
"I'd like that," I nodded.
"Just a sec." Isaac quickly returned with a handwritten address on a piece of small notepaper. I was just about to leave, when Isaac called out, "Anthony?"
"Yeah?"
"That night, when you almost crashed your car out the front...could you tell me more about that?" I stopped on the pavement, looking at Isaac. "I'm sorry, but, it's just that-"
"Don't worry about it dude," I said, sighing. I walked back up onto the porch. Isaac waved me inside the house.
"I want to know why did Taylor leave us the way he did," said Isaac. I don't know if he was just thinking aloud, or actually talking to me, but I followed him inside the modern LA home, into a kitchen. It felt weird, I had never spoken to Isaac before in my whole life, yet he wanted to speak to me about such a personal event, that had a tiny bit to do with Taylor's death. "By the way, I'm Isaac-"
"I knew," I assured. "My ex-girlfriend's a fan." Isaac smiled weakly. "So, what do you want to know."
"What happened that night. Everything that you know happened to Taylor that night."
I started to spill the beans. As I explained, talking about the ecstasy tablet, the grog, spinning out, and finally, talking on the front lawn about how he hated what he was doing with his life, Isaac didn't look all that surprised.
"Thanks Anthony," he said, standing up from the table. I followed his lead, before shaking his hand. "Could I have your number please?" I nodded, tearing off a bit of the notepaper that had the address written on it, and accepting a pen handed to me by Isaac, before scrawling down my phone number. "I'm so sorry about being so... formal, but..."
"Don't worry," I said, as Isaac let me out. "When you don't know what to say, you just say the bare essentials, if that."
"Right with ya'," he agreed, as I walked out onto the pavement, on my way to 'Taylor's Shrine'.

* * * * *

Phil

"Dude, you didn't do it!" yelled Jocie, turning around to face me. "Okay, so you're the one who gave him the fuckin' bad eccy, but he's the one who took it, it's a two way street! He could have said NO, Phil. Don't fuckin' beat yourself up over it."
I sat on the bed, just staring at Jocie. Her eyes were tearstained slightly, and she looked very frustrated. "Taylor took a risk, okay?" started Jocie. "We always fuckin' took risks when we fucked with this shit. Except this time, it didn't work out trippy." Jocie stopped for a moment. "It was an accident." Jocie paused, before leaving the room.
I sat on the bed for awhile longer, just trying to comprehend everything. I was trying to ignore my hangover, because after what happened to Jordan, or Taylor, my own petty problems didn't even compare to what had happened last night.
I shoved my hands into the pockets of my jeans, only to feel the tablets and powders in there. Carefully I pulled out the seal-a-bag filled with little ecstasy tablets, and the tin foil that kept the cakes of heroin and cocaine from crumbling everywhere.
I walked out of the bedroom, into where Barry's toilet was. I tipped all of the tablets into the bowl, before putting the empty bag back into my pocket. Then, I unwrapped the cocaine, and crumbled the powder into the toilet bowl, along with the pills. Finally, I crumbled the heroin in after everything else.
Then, I flushed the toilet. I flushed all of those deadly drugs. I never wanted anything to do with the killers again.
It wouldn't bring Jordan (Taylor) back again. But at least I could guarantee I wouldn't have anything to do with something like it again.

* * * * *

Bryan

There was five of us altogether, Fiona, Rich, Taylor's friend Keavy, Zac's friend Billy, and I, on the plane to Los Angelies.
Fiona had told us all what had happened to Taylor, which brought down the mood of everyone. Fiona sat with headphones in her ear, probably listening to Sarah McLachlan, Alanis Morrissette, Fiona Apple, something along the lines of that. She had it up loud enough that I could hear the piano in the music.
Rich sat with a thick book, reading. I don't know how much he was concentrating on it, because he didn't turn the pages very often. His eyes were covered with his thick reading glasses, but occasionally he would lift his glasses from his nose, rubbing his eyes with his fists.
Keavy had disappeared to the bathroom, and hadn't been seen since five minutes into the flight. She had been sniffling in the taxi ride to the airport.
Billy was half-heartedly playing a Game Boy, every five minutes changing the game. He later tossed the Game Boy aside, opting to just stare out the window. After about half-an-hour, he fell asleep.
And me? I just watched everyone else, and their reactions to the terrible news about Taylor. Everyone was in shock, it was obvious. The same goes for me, but what I don't think I'll ever be able to understand is WHY did Taylor die? A heroin overdose? None of the Hanson family smoked even, so how could Taylor be doing drugs? They were a very religious family, always practicing good morals. That never stopped Isaac from watching the dirty movies we hired on our sleepovers, but, but, but... it was harmless stuff. Naked women, compared to illegal drugs, there was a big difference. How Taylor got caught in that web would always be beyond me, no matter how many millions of reason you might give me.

* * * * *

Donna

Phil was still up the other end of the house, Jocie was out for a walk to clear her head, Barry, last check, was burning his marijuana plant, and I was sitting up the front watching cheesy daytime chat shows.
By the time Riki Lake came on, I was sick of the overdone "emotional" atmosphere the shows carried, so I walked out the front. I looked ridiculous in my short leather mini skirt, and Taylor's red corduroy jacket, with my hair un-brushed and my feet bare, but I wasn't all that concerned.
It was quite a sunny day outside, the complete opposite of my mournful mood. I blinked, my eyes adjusting to the brightness. I took a seat on the front porch, stretching my legs out in front of me.
It was three o' clock when I stepped outside, and I just sat for about fifteen minutes, trying to clear my head of all the horrible thoughts. Like, how it was my fault Taylor died last night, because it was me who injected that deadly shot, and I popped a pill with him too, so why wasn't it me?
I walked back inside, grabbing the roses those school girls left, plus a box of chalk Barry had found for me. I went back outside, to start work on the shrine. I went back outside, and placed the flowers underneath the window of the bedroom where Taylor met his fate. I then took a piece of red chalk, and on the wall, I wrote,

'WHY WASN'T IT ME TAYLOR?'

A girl from the private school (I could tell by her uniform) walked up to me.
"This is where Taylor Hanson," the girl sniffed, "said goodbye, right?" I nodded. The girl wiped at her tears with an already drenched tissue, as she walked up to the shrine. There, with the roses, she placed a teddy bear. It was white, stood about ten centimetres tall, and held a red satin heart that said 'I Love You'.
"I went to that in-store on Saturday," she said, staring at the bear, before turning to me. "And I was going to give Taylor this bear. I stood in the queue, with my 'Middle of Nowhere' CD in one hand, and the bear in another.
"By the time I reached the start of the queue, and Taylor was just feet away from me, I got so scared. I don't know why, maybe because he always seemed such an important person to me. But I froze, and I couldn't remember what I was going to say to him. So I left the queue, saying to myself how I would go to LAFX studios during the week, and see if I could get the bear to him then." She sniffed again. "But it's too late for that now."
She paused, now looking straight at me. "Never put things off. Never say "I'll do it later". Because you mightn't be able to."
"Thanks," I said softly. "I'll remember that."
"I never knew him, I'd never spoken or had anything to do with him ever before, I'd never even written or joined MOE. I don't know why I'm so upset."
"Don't worry about that," I said. "Two girls came by before, and they were just as upset as you were." She smiled a sad smile.
"At least I'm not the only one." Then, she left, walking at a fast pace.
She wasn't the only one missing Taylor. Many girls, and guys, came by that day, leaving flowers and toys, writing messages on the wall. The messages included things like "In an MMMBop they're gone", "It only happens to the beautiful ones", "May the angels take care of you", "Today the sun shines bright with your presence, you'll always walk beside us" plus many more beautiful and sad messages. People wrote out the lyrics to songs like 'Angel' by Sarah McLachlan and 'With You in Your Dreams' by Hanson, and others that I can't remember off the top of my head.
When Anthony dropped by, I tried to escape into the house without him noticing me.
"Donna," he called gently.
"Anthony," I said, turning slowly to face him. "Chalk's over on the window sill, leave your flowers and presents beneath the window."
"I lay some flowers in a moment," he promised. "But how are you doing?" My strong feelings of sadness for Taylor were now equalled by the hurt ones from when Anthony left me for a much more popular, prettier, respectful girl.
"Anthony, let me say something." He looked straight at me, ready to listen. "I knew Taylor for, what, two days? But in those two days, he gave me a lot more then you did in two weeks."
"Donna," said Anthony. "It wasn't going to work out anyway-"
"You went straight out with someone else, no leeway, no break, as you said you wanted," I said. Anthony started to lose his patience.
"You're a pushover Donna. The reason why you get your heartbroken constantly is because you're a fuckin' push over. Guys go, hey look, there's Donna, let's fuck her and go. The whole school sees you as a prostitute you don't have to pay for," he explained. "But at the same time, you keep thinking it's love, when it's just lust."
"Don't you think I know that?" I said. "That's what I liked about Taylor." Anthony looked at me. "Yes, I did sleep with Taylor. But he wasn't so superficial about it. He didn't lie when it came to what he thought of it. He was honest. Now, if you had of told me what you just did when you broke up with me, I wouldn't be snapping at you like a bitch now. Lay your flowers, and leave," I ordered, as I stepped inside the house.
It's amazing how something like Taylor's death was causing everyone to rethink about where their life was headed. I'd always said to myself, yeah, sure, one day I'll stop the drugs, one day I'll stop the sleeping around. I'll do it tomorrow. But after this terrible incident, everyone was taking immediate action. Barry had burnt his plant, when Phil came out to look at the shrine, he admitted to flushing the rest of his stash, and when Jocie came back from her walk, she and I cut all of our cigarettes we had with us in half.
But if I had of done that a week ago, I wouldn't be mourning Taylor now.

* * * * *

Chapter Nineteen -- Have No Fear When Your Tears are Falling Part One

Lindy

I didn't end up going home that night. Mum couldn't call, because she didn't have the phone number, and I left a message on her mobile's Message Bank, explaining that I was staying the night at Zachary's.
Zac and I slept, and just lounged around, until about four. We talked about little things; it was the "getting to know each other" talk.
At four, Isaac told us to go out to the car; we were going for a drive somewhere. He later told us it was somewhere else in LA, the place where Taylor had actually died. Diana had come home from church by now, so she stayed with the younger children, facing the awful task of telling them what happened.
We pulled up fifteen minutes later in front of an average looking house that had been transformed into a floral masterpiece almost. Flowers, toys, all kinds of things were laid out the front, in particular underneath one window. Chalk scribbles were all over the walls, with all kinds of people adding to the collection.
"You two are about to meet Donna," said Isaac. "She was with Taylor when it happened, and she's also set up this shrine to Taylor, along with Barry, the guy who lives here."
Zachary and I stepped outside of the car, and followed Isaac, until we were with a girl, who was wearing a short, leather mini-skirt, and a red corduroy jacket.
"That's Taylor's jacket," was the first thing that came from Zac's mouth. The girl nodded.
"I know. And I'm Donna, you're Zac, aren't you?" she said. Her voice was soft with emotion; it sounded like she had been crying most of the day.
Zac gave Donna a cold stare, and nodded.
"And this is Lindy," said Isaac. I gave her a small smile.
"Hi Lindy," said Donna in her croaky voice.
"Well, Donna, thank you," said Isaac, gesturing to the shrine. He started to walk with Donna towards the house. I followed them, walking towards the window instead. When I reached the window, a girl offered me a piece of chalk.
"You could tell he wasn't enjoying himself," the girl said. "He was an absolute dickhead when I met him. But you could tell in his eyes that he wasn't a precocious pop star. His eyes were so sad, any sadder and they would've had tears streaming down them." Before the girl gave me the chalk, she quickly scribbled on the wall underneath her message,

'Love, Edele Lindley'

"All yours," she said, as she wiped her eyes with the cuff of her school uniform, handed me the chalk, and quickly walked away.
I found a spot on the wall that hadn't been written on yet, and with the three centimetre piece of purple chalk I held in my hands, I wrote,

'"Everyone rushed things, you wanted out/So everyone just have a look at what came about"
--'Rushing Things', Taylor Hanson
I don't know everything, then again, neither did anyone else.'

A hysterical girl was next to me, and I quickly offered her the chalk, escaping the crowd of mourners.
Isaac was sitting on the doorstep with Donna, while Zac hadn't moved from his position away from the shrine. I walked up to him.
"That bitch," muttered Zac when I reached him. "That was Taylor's favourite jacket. It doesn't belong on her." Zac suddenly strode quickly over to Donna. "That's Taylor's jacket, why are you wearing it?" demanded Zac. Donna self-consciously wrapped her arms around herself.
"When I woke up this morning, I thought Taylor was in it. He wasn't... I, I..." Donna started to stutter because of a lack of words.
"It's not yours," said Zac.
"I know," nodded Donna.
"Then give it back. Take it off."
"Zac," said Isaac in a soft warning voice.
"Don't 'Zac' me, that's Taylor's jacket, and it doesn't belong on HER," said Zac.
Donna stormed off inside.
"Zac, just remember that Donna was close to Taylor too!" snapped Isaac. There was an uncomfortable silence, until Donna returned, wearing a different top. She threw the jacket at Zac.
"Barry said you guys can go inside for drinks if you want," she said, giving a smile at me, then glaring at Zac.
"Thanks," I said on the behalf of everyone. Donna let me inside, and Zac followed, clutching Taylor's jacket.
"Zac and Lindy, right?" questioned a male, around Isaac's age. "I'm Barry," he said. "I'm sorry about Taylor."
"That's okay," said Zac quietly, not giving eye contact to Barry, as he accepted one of two glasses filled with soft drink Barry held out. I took the other one, with a nod of my head.
Barry seemed stuck for conversation, so he said, "Might go see how the shrine's going." And he left for outside.
With Barry gone, I spoke my mind to Zac.
"Why'd you do that to Donna?" I snatched the jacket from Zac. "She's just as upset as you are, obviously!"
"Because it's Taylor's, and it belongs on no one else but Taylor. And he's gone now." Zac set his glass down on a coffee table. "Who are you to have a go at me anyway? I thought you'd be with me." I sighed, seeing some of his logic.
"I'm not having a go at you. And before you say it, I'm not taking sides either," I said. "I'm just seeing both sides of it. You could've asked for Taylor's jacket in a nicer fashion." I handed the jacket back. Zac took it with a guilty look on his face.
"C'mon," he then said. "There's no one in this house right now, and there's something I want to check out." Zac cautiously started down a hallway. I followed, watching him poke his nose into every room, until we reached a bedroom right at the end of the house.
The room had a bed, which looked slept in, and some clothes were scattered across the floor.
"This is where Taylor," Zac choked on his last word, "died."
"How do you know?" I asked.
"You can tell," said Zac softly. "They're his shoes on the floor," he pointed out. "And it kinda smells like a sick person." Zac took a quick look out the window. "And it's this window that everyone is laying flowers underneath."
Zac flopped onto the bed, and was silent for a moment. He put his head in his hands, and ran his hands through his hair, once again chewing on a lose tendril. I couldn't see Zac's face, as I took a seat next to him. The silence was soon ended by Zac, who began to cry.
"Zac?" I asked softly, moving up to sit close to him. It was my turn to open up my arms, and let him cry on my shoulder.
"He's gone," he sobbed, choking on his breath slightly.
"Shhh," I hushed. "Just cry," I whispered. "It's okay."
I could tell it was something Zachary didn't do very often. To hear him cry didn't seem to sound right, and his breath became caught in his breath often.
We left around five-thirty. Zac and I were just sitting there, him crying and me soothing, shedding some silent tears myself. I was glad Zac did what he did when we left.
"Donna?" he said, attracting the girl's attention.
"What?" she snapped.
"I'm sorry about before," he said. He presented her the jacket. "Keep it."
"Thank you," said Donna, her voice squeaking. She enveloped Zac into a cuddle.
I smiled at Zac from behind Donna. I'm glad he did that. It would've been hard to part with the past in his situation. But it brightened Donna's day immediately. And I could tell Zac was proud of himself for doing that.
"Thanks," I said on the way home, kissing him quickly on the cheek. He smiled weakly and sadly, saying nothing.

* * * * *

Walker

I just drove. No destination in mind, except the road ahead of me. I had been through Pasadena to pick up Zac's friend Lindy. I didn't think about why she wasn't at school again, I just watched her follow my son Zachary inside the house, before pulling out onto the road, slipping the car into gear, and driving away from the house.
I was a parent, therefore I thought that I should know why Taylor left us, what should happen next, and how to fix everything.
But I didn't know what would happen next. I didn't really want to go back home to Tulsa just yet, but I didn't want the funeral anywhere else but there. Zac had had found comfort with his new friend Lindy, plus there was that poor girl Donna, I felt I had some sort of duty to look out for that girl. Jessica hadn't left the house, she didn't even walk the neighbour's dog this morning, which she does every morning. The three youngest ones hadn't even been told about Taylor, Diana was at church, and Isaac, well, I was proud of him. He had been trying to hold the whole family together. I silently thanked him for that, but at the same time, I wanted to tell him it was okay to cry.
For now, I tried not to concentrate on anything else but my driving.
I found myself travelling down some streets in LA, driving past a house that was a floral masterpiece. Driving slower, I realised it was all dedicated to my son. A tear slipped my eye. Physically, Taylor may be gone, but it looked as if no one was going to let him go completely.

* * * * *

Victoria

I eagerly watched 'Entertainment Tonight', waiting for my Hanson honeys to laugh off the latest lot of rumours to be spread about them. Remote in hand, I prepared to tape the latest appearance.
But when I hit the little red button, what I was taping was not what I wanted to hear.
"It was a sad day for the pop music industry today, when the death of a teenage pop sensation occurred.
"Taylor Hanson, one third of the smash hit band Hanson, sadly passed away last night because of an overdose on heroin. No one can believe that the tragedy has happened.
"We have not tried to conduct interviews with the family right away, but we have got footage of a beautiful shrine that has been set up in LA. Donna Newmens, who was the last person to talk to Taylor, has set up the shrine to the memory of her believed to be lover..."
I was in shock, as my breathing started to quicken, and some tears slid down my face. Samantha Parker-Tylers never told the truth about anything. Everyone knew that. As shots of the shrine graced my TV screen, I still didn't want to believe that the whole thing was true. No more Taylor.

* * * * *

Chapter Twenty -- Have No Fear When Your Tears are Falling Part Two

Keavy

When I found out that the plane was landing, I splashed some cold water on my tear stained face. Luckily I had chosen waterproof mascara to wear that day, although that was the least of my troubles.
I was one of those people who bawled their eyes out at all the Disney movies and romantic, sad songs. After losing my best friend Taylor, I was rather surprised I hadn't dehydrated, or at least drowned in the aeroplane bathroom.
I took my place back in my seat, clicking my seatbelt together. Fiona reached out and wrapped one arm around my shoulder.
"Thanks," I said.
As the plane made a gentle landing, my mind returned to the (obvious) topic I had been thinking about -- Taylor...

* * * * *

The summer sun was beating down, but Taylor and Keavy had managed to escape the heat. They had been bike riding all around Tulsa, and eventually came by a tranquil place, a gorgeous little stream, surrounded by thick trees, before a patch of grass by the riverbed.
They took a seat on the grass, resting their bikes against the trees.
"Keavy, I've got some news for you," said Taylor. He looked ecstatic, but at the same time, sad.
"Spit it out boy!" laughed Keavy, giving her friend a shove. The touch of him sent tingles throughout her, and it was hard not to shiver in delight.
"We've been signed. Hanson have been signed by Mercury Records!" said Taylor excitedly.
"Ohmigod, you're kidding???" screamed Keavy in joy. Taylor shook his head.
"But there's a catch. Like, I mean, it's a cool catch, but..."
"Continue."
"We're moving to LA to record a new album. We're going to live there for five months," said Taylor.
"Oh," said Keavy.
"Well, I kept putting this off, and putting it off, and putting it off, but now that we're going to be gone in two weeks, I thought I better think about doing it soon." Taylor's eyes darted about, never focusing on Keavy.
"Tay?" questioned Keavy. Taylor shocked Keavy, but definitely excited her, when he leaned forward, and gave her a kiss.
"You can do whatever now, like, you can ride away embarrassed, and we'll never talk again, you can slap me, and play kiss and tell with the media when we hit the big time, I just ha-" Keavy laughed, as she pressed her lips against Taylor's.
"Am I allowed to do that?" she asked.
"I can handle it," whispered Taylor, inviting her back for more...

* * * * *

Keavy

The boyfriend-girlfriend deal didn't last very long. It was all passion for two weeks, it burnt out, he went away for five months, then when he came back home, and everything was back to normal.
And I guess I was pretty much fine with that. Oh sure, never mind the fact that I'd crushed on him for a year. Never mind the fact that I had been meaning to tell him, but I couldn't do that, he was the lust object of every other girl in Tulsa. And never mind the fact that I said it was okay we break up, even though I was lying. I still had strong feelings for Taylor. I never told him though.
And now he'd gone. I never thought it would happen. Of course, everyone dies, but Taylor was turning sixteen in a few days! He didn't get to get his license, he didn't get to win a Grammy, didn't get to guest star on the Simpsons, marry, heck, he probably didn't even lose his virginity! It made me think.
I use to always backchat to my school teachers, and it made me sound like I'd lived the world sometimes. But I was thinking about it, and I hadn't done anything at all. I wasn't going to win a Grammy, because I had no intentions in becoming a musician, but everything else I hadn't done.
I hated learning from an experience such as this. Well, at least I knew to not start drugs, even stop the occasional cigarette I smoked now. But why couldn't it be easier than this?

* * * * *

Fiona

It had been a quiet ride home. Isaac and Walker came and picked us travellers up from the airport, and I was lucky enough to get to ride with Isaac, as well as Keavy. I sat in the back with Keavy, soothing her. I knew the girl was capable of tears, all you had to do was take her to the movies. But I've never seen her cry so much for so long.
When we got to the Hanson's rental home, we found out that Diana was at church (she was there a lot), and that Zac and girlfriend Lindy were babysitting the four youngest Hanson children.
I felt my eyes tingle as I was faced with the Hanson family. The whole atmosphere of the house was a sad one, as Mackie ran and greeted me at the door.
"Fi-Fi!" he smiled, as she wrapped his arms around my leg. He looked up at me, his face more serious. "Tay-ie died."
"Shhh Mackie," I said, not looking at the toddler, as I blinked back tears furiously. Mackie's a pretty intelligent kid, he can read and count well for his age, but he obviously didn't understand the full situation. He either hadn't been told properly, or didn't quite grasp the concept.
"Hey Fi," said J, coming out from where I remembered the kitchen to be. I opened up my arms to her, embracing her, as my tears fell into her gorgeous blonde hair.
That's what the rest of the afternoon was filled with really, a few tears, sympathy, it was not the happiest of times. Keavy, Billy, Zac, Lindy and Diana went down to a shrine that had been set up for the memory of Taylor. I stayed with Isaac, Bryan, Rich, and the four youngest Hanson children. Bryan and Rich were playing Snakes and Ladders with them. I don't know how Bryan and Rich change that game to make it appeal to those kids, for usually all Hanson children loathe Snakes and Ladders.
"I'll take you all to the shrine tonight," promised Isaac. He looked so tired. I patted the spot that was next to me on the couch. Isaac took a seat, and he took me into his arms. "I'm sorry I couldn't take you now, but there wasn't enough room."
"That's okay," I said softly. His arms around me was something I missed. I rearranged my position, resting my head in his lap, and taking his hands in mine, wrapping them around me. I wasn't in a mood for thinking before I spoke, and the words "I missed you," escaped my mouth before I could protest.
"Me too," he sighed, kissing the top of my head, near my ear. "I'm sorry I didn't write more often, but everything was so... crazy around here."
"Do you want to talk?" I asked, shifting onto my back to face Ike.
"I feel bad that I didn't see it coming," admitted Isaac. "Everything Taylor said and did, it showed he wasn't happy. He seemed so rude and arrogant, but if you got him alone, he was just sad. You could tell he wasn't enjoying the music like he used to, everything seemed like a drag. He didn't get into the singing like he used to, and the songs he was writing were so dark. But I tried not to see it, coz then maybe it would go away, maybe my optimistic attitude would be infectious, y'know?"
"It usually is," I assured. "And I remember you telling me Tay was down, even you were cynical about what was going on. You said something like, "Hey, we just make the music, no need to listen to us or anything"," I said. "When did you find out about the drugs?" It was a very forward question, but Isaac and I were so close, nothing we did shocked each other any more, and we could talk about anything.
"Taylor mentioned an ecstasy tablet the morning after the car crash, that he'd passed out from taking one. I never knew about the heroin. But now that I think of it, Zac mentioned once that Taylor always reeked of cigarette smoke," said Isaac. If I didn't know better, I'd think his voice was shaking, just a little bit. "I sometimes feel that it was my fault, y'know? If I had of listened, or taken more notice even, if I had of thought it was more serious, Tayles..." Isaac never finished his sentence.
I sat up when I felt a soft splash on my cheek.
"Isaac?" I whispered. He had his hair covering his face. I sat up, tucking some of his blonde hair behind his ear. Some tears cascaded down his face. "Oh, Isaac," I said, taking it upon myself to take him into my arms, comforting him. Isaac was never, ever the type to cry, and his tears came as quite a shock. "It's not your fault Ike, always remember that. Taylor probably left us for a reason, and at least you know he's probably happy. He's not under any pressure to be a," I paused, using one of the terms Isaac preferred me not to use, "rock star, he's just gonna be Tay, the cool guy who liked to sing and draw, and be normal." One or two tears slipped my eyes admittedly during this. I kissed Isaac's tears.
"Fi, you can tell me this stuff, and I know it's true. Taylor's probably happy, and that's all that I want right now. But he's not here and happy," said Isaac.
"I know it's not what you wanted," I said. "No one wanted it. Not at all. But Heaven's looking out for him. You know that, you know that he's probably watching over us thinking, "Ohmigod, the bunch of crybabies!"" Isaac gave a small laugh. "I can't make it all better again, I can't make a happy ending come out of this."
"Neither can I," said Isaac. "Not everything can have a happy ending... but why did Fate have to pick this situation to have the unhappy ending?"

* * * * *

Isaac

I haven't cried for so long, I can barely remember the last time. But I have to say, crying in Fiona's arms, just for those five minutes or whatever, was good, I knew it was good for me.
"It's okay to cry Isaac," she hushed, running her fingers through my hair. "It's okay to cry."

* * * * *

Chapter Twenty-One -- Star Light, Star Bright, I Wish He Would Come Back Tonight

Diana

Nothing's going to bring him back Diana. He's up there, in Heaven, with the angels. The angels are looking after him.
It kept swirling around and around in my mind, and no amount of praying could bring back my Tay-ie, nothing. Trying to comprehend that fact was too hard, and I don't think I'll ever accept the fact Taylor left me, and his family.
"Please God," I whispered, hoping He'd hear me. "Just tell Taylor I'm sorry I didn't stop his torture. Tell him that I'm sorry he wasn't having fun. Tell him I'm so sorry."

* * * * *

Fiona

Isaac had to park a block away from the shrine, but as we walked up to the house, we were met with a lit up wonderland, all dedicated to Taylor. Candles were flickering everywhere, someone had even pinned up white Christmas lights. Flowers were everywhere, as well as stuffed toys and other treasures.
"Ohmigod," I breathed, walking up to the most heavily decorated window. On the wall, chalk scribblings read sympathy messages. A girl next to me handed me some chalk.
"Wish with me," she said. "Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, wish on this star I see tonight." She looked at me. "Please, wish with me, maybe it'll work." I spoke with her, as she chanted the rhyme again.
"Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, wish on this star I see tonight." I stopped chanting, but she whispered, through tears, "Come back Taylor."
"Please," I added.
"Maybe it'll come true," said the girl, before leaving. I looked at the chalk in my hand, before finding a spare space on the wall. I wrote the following:

'Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, wish on this star I see tonight... I wish for you to come back Taylor. You were a bright star on a dark night...
Fi-Fi'

Some hands wrapped around me, and a face burried itself into my neck. It was Isaac.
"Thanks for writing that," he said, his voice muffled in my hair. As his heavy breathing was felt on my neck, so was a wetness that was his tears. He was silent for a little while longer, before his added, "I miss him Fi-Fi, I want him back."
"We all do," I said, swallowing hard. Tears fell down my cheeks, as Isaac held me. I turned to face him, and in the candlelight I saw his tearstained face. I gave him a kiss.
"Thank you," he said. "I want you to meet someone." He held my hand tight, dabbing his eyes with his jacket cuff, as he knocked on the door of the house, before entering. He waved at Bryan and Rich to follow us, but they shook their heads and yelled "Later!"
"Donna? Barry?" he called. We were faced with four people, all aged around fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, around there.
"Hey," said a girl, wearing a short, leather mini-skirt, and a red corduroy jacket. "How's it going?"
"Don't ask," pleaded Ike. The girl nodded.
"This is Jocie," she pointed to the other girl, "And Phil," she pointed to a skinny guy, with scruffy hair.
"This is Fiona," said Ike, wrapping an arm around my waist, "Fi, this is Donna," the girl waved, "and Barry," he pointed to the other guy.
"Hey," said Donna. "We were just about to order pizza, do you two want to stay for tea?" Ike looked at me. I nodded.
"Sure," he said.
"And come sit down," said Barry. Isaac led me over to a couch, and we took a seat on that.
"So how's it going?" asked Isaac, as I nestled into him, tired after all my travelling.
"Unbelievable," said Donna, looking misty-eyed. "Taylor was so loved, I hope you realise that."
I can't remember Isaac's reponse. I admittedly fell asleep. I'd been travelling today, I'd been crying today, and I'd been missing Taylor.

* * * * *

Isaac

My Fiona fell asleep, so as I wrapped an arm around her, I spoke to the other four.
"I know Taylor was loved. I loved him, my family loved him, and let me tell you, we're more than thankful to you guys for putting together this shrine." I was touched by it all, the candles, the lights, the flowers, the toys, the meaningful scribbles, everything.
"No problem," said Barry. "Does your girl want a bed to sleep in?" I looked over at her. "You guys can spend the night if you want."
"Yeah, if you don't mind," I said. "Her and two more of my friends, they're outside, they've just come in from Tulsa today."
"I never understood why you get so tired travelling," said Jocie, who was shaking a little.
"Neither do I," I agreed. "Which room?"
"Follow me," said Barry, standing up. I picked up Fiona, and cradled her like a baby, as I followed Barry down the hall. He opened a door, to a room that smelt like lavendar carpet wash. There was a double bed, and I gently placed Fiona down. "This is the room where Taylor said goodbye," said Barry. He looked directly at me. "Call me crazy, but I have this theroy that maybe we can find out why, just like everyone else has been asking..." he couldn't finish his sentence, before walking back down the hall.
"I hear ya'," I said. Barry gave me the thumbs up. I looked at Fiona, resting. I walked over to the bed, and carefully undid the buttons on her shirt, gently sliding the article of clothing off.
"MMM..." she moaned slightly.
"Shhh," I hushed. I untied her drawstring pants, and gently took them off her too. Then, I pulled the bedcovers over her. I figured that since she was sleeping, it should be as comfortable as possible. Just as I was about to leave the room, Fiona whispered,
"Don't go... not just yet." I lied next to her on the bed, on top of the bedsheets.
"'Night Fi-Fi," I said, brushing a kiss onto her lips.
"Thank you," she said. "I love you... so much..." That's when her breathing deepened, and she fell into respose, rather than a light doze.
"I love you too, more than anything," I whispered, standing up. "The sweetest, most pleasent dreams my Fiona."

* * * * *

Fiona

"WAKE UP!!!" someone screamed.
"Isaac, tell him to shut up," I moaned, holding Isaac.
"Taylor, shut up," said Isaac.
"C'mon lovebirds, it's a lovely day outside! I've rung the others, we're going rollerblading! C'mon, when are we going to get another day off like this?" Taylor cried.
"Five more minutes," I pleaded.
"I'll tell your parents Fi-Fi," warned Taylor. "I'll tell your parents that... you're pregnant."
"Don't you dare!" I said, sitting up immediately. "Taylor, where are you?" I said. I looked around the unrecognisable room. Isaac lay next to me, looking at me. His eyes were so sad.
"Ike," I said. "Taylor threatened to tell my parents I was pregnant, when I'm not." Isaac's eyes still looked sad, as his wrapped his arms around me.
"You remember what happened to Taylor, don't you?" he asked. I thought about it. Taylor wasn't here anymore. It had been a dream.
"It was a dream, wasn't it?" I said, looking at Ike pitfully. He nodded, as I remembered the tragic accident.
"Don't worry, I saw him in a dream too..."

* * * * *

Isaac

"Lovebirds, breakkie time," said Taylor, walking into the room.
"Why are you always here when it's just me and Fi bro?" I asked.
"Hey, I'm being nice today. Breakkie in bed," Taylor grinned. The meal wasn't exactly gormeate, but the attempt at toast and jam was sweet enough. And one of mum's precious flowers. "Hurry up and eat, I gotta put the flower back before mum notices." I laughed, and handed him the flower. "Thanks Taylor." The smell of the toast was quite tempting, and I took a piece. A sigh was heard, as the strawberry flavour filled my mouth.
"I'm not Taylor," said a voice. I looked up to see Jocie. I looked around the room, and it was once I haven't slept in before. It had been a dream.
"Sorry," I said. "And thanks for the toast." Jocie smiled, as she left the room.
"No problem."
"Isaac, tell him to shutup," said Fiona. I looked at her, as she held me. "Five more minutes," she said, before sitting up suddenly, and saying "Don't you dare! Taylor, where are you?" She looked at me. "Ike, Taylor threatened to tell my parents I was pregnant, when I'm not." I wrapped my arms around her.
"You remember what happened to Taylor don't you?" I reminded. She paused.
"It was a dream, wasn't it?" she said, looking at me.
"Don't worry, I saw him in a dream too," I said. "But he was being nice in mine."
"That's not fair," pouted Fiona. I sighed.
"Nothing is."

* * * * *

Jordan Taylor Hanson: 1983-1999

The music world lost one of the best young musicians in the early of hours of Tuesday the 9th of March, Taylor Hanson.
He's not the only entertainer to lose their life to drugs, but definitely one of the youngest. Dedicated fans have set up a shrine out the front of the house where he sadly saw the end. Floral decors, toys and art are lying out the front of the house in the thousands, while chalk scribbles to the late star adorn the wall of the home.
He stormed out on his family after having a disagreement, running to Donna Newmens' home, where they both drove to a party in central Los Angelies. Taylor shot up a dosage of heroin, which he did every so often, before taking an amphetamine tablet, believed to have contained more heroin. It turned into an overdose, and Taylor later died in hospital, merely only a week away from his sixteenth birthday.
A lot of people, fans in particular, ask why Taylor caught in the deadly web of drugs. No one knows the exact answer, but some believe Taylor was pushed too far.
He wasn't even sixteen when he died, but for his age, had done a lot of work, and put in many hours into his musical career. He and his brothers never got a lot of say about where and when they performed, and holidays were a rarity -- maybe only a week off at Christmas. Eldest member of the band Isaac has even admitted birthdays were generally forgotten about, due to the hefty work schedule. People close to Taylor say that the boys were all made to work very hard, to meet the ever growing demand of the public.
So it raises a valid question -- are young people entering the entertainment industry too early, and are they not expecting or needing the long hours and hard work? Some say this point is what drove Taylor to the drugs.
Or was it normal teen stress, which a lot of teenagers find themselves caught in? Stress about girls, schooling, looks and social standing?
The sad, and in one light, frightening thing about Taylor's death, is that we'll never know exactly WHY it happened. It has been classified as an accident. But there must have been a reason, that unfortunately, we'll never find.

* * * * *

Chapter Twenty-One -- Everything Changes

One Month Later

Isaac

"Wow, it's finished," said Zac, holding the CD in his hands. He turned it over, looking at the tracks we put on it. "But what are we gonna call it?"
We went back home to Tulsa for awhile, for Taylor's funeral, but eventually came back to LA, to finish the album, the final album for Hanson. We decided not to do any promo for this album, no tours, just release it, so there was no more pressure from record companies at least. We had already lost one of us to the pressure of this crazy game.
Zac and I already had some ideas for the design of the front cover, all kinds of little things like that, but we were still yet to think of a title.
"We'll put the poems in the sleeve," I said. Zac showed me a poem he'd written for Lindy the night Taylor died, and I also had a poem I wrote for the funeral...

* * * * *

Isaac looked out to the crowd of people. Fans stood way at the back, family and friends stood at the front. All record company, and Hanson management hadn't been offered an invite to the sorrowful event, for everyone still had reason to believe it was people like the media and the record company execs that pushed Taylor "over the edge".
Isaac unfolded the piece of notepaper, and in his clearest voice, read out a poem.

"I should've seen it coming,
I should've opened up my eyes.
I just wanted a happy ending,
Not a lesson in goodbye.

You used to be so happy,
So optimistic with a smile.
Then we were given this "celebrity" tag,
And life became a stereotyped personal profile.

Optimisim turned to pessimisim,
And your smile turned upside down.
I'd try to cheer you up again,
But in return you'd only frown.

I wished you'd turned to me for help,
And told me what was wrong.
Then you might be with us now,
And I wouldn't be writing this sad song.

But it's all too late for that now,
Your life's just slipped away.
And the mystery behind your sudden death?
I guess that's something I might find one day."

* * * * *

Isaac

"Yeah, definately," agreed Zac. The album would be one of the best albums. We ended up recording some of Taylor's songs, the ones he had requested in the first place. Unfortunately, his vocals aren't on the tracks, but all six songs that his vocals are on were put on the album. "Still doesn't have a name though. It should have something to do with Taylor."
"Nothing too cheesy. Then it looks like we're in it for the money," I said. "Something more original than "The Last Works"." I thought for a bit. "Something Taylor would've gotten at kick out of."
"I got an idea, remember how his favourite saying was 'Everything Changes'?" said Zac. "Why don't we call it that?
And that's what we called the album. We haven't been singing publicly for awhile. We still write and play, but only for leisure. We're more concentrated on our schooling, and looking out for each other. Maybe one day we'll re-enter the music scene, but right now, we don't want too. When we're older, we might start up our own record label, where we play by our rules. But not right now. Right now, we'll be "normal"... if that's possible now.

* * * * *

Two Months Later

Donna

Taylor's funeral, a week after his sad passing, had been gorgeous. It was held in Tulsa, and I flew there, stayed one night with the Hanson family, and flew back home.
"Girlie, is it me, or are you putting on weight?" asked Jocie, when I was out at her place in Pasadena one day. I had just finished puking, which was something I'd been doing a lot of in the mornings. That's what I like about Jocie -- she's up front.
"How can I?" I said. "I puke just about every morning, I admittedly don't eat enough -- take a look at my fingers and arms and legs! They're twigs!" I held out my hand, showing her my skinny fingers.
"But your stomach," said Jocie, pointing to my stomach. I looked down at my stomach. I guess it was a little bigger.
"Well, I guess you've started eating again -- but only just!" I shrugged again. I look back now, and think how palpable the answer was. But in the three months after Taylor's death, I went through a patch of depression, because of Taylor, and also because of withdrawal from the drugs.
The next morning, my mother caught me throwing up, and being the Carol Brady of the career world she is, she dumped me outside the doctor's office on her way to work.
I sat in the waiting room, wondering what could be wrong with me. One of the things it could be struck me.
I could be pregnant.
I had been putting on weight on only my stomach, I was throwing up in the mornings, and just thinking about it, I hadn't had my period for awhile, but that was never a good indicator, because I was always irregular.
Before I could think any further on the subject, I was called up to see the doctor. She performed some tests on me, which I sat through, tense, but calm enough.
"Miss. Newmens?" she said, handing me back my folder, along with a pamphlet. "You're three months pregnant." I looked at the pamphlet, which was about teenage pregnancy.
"Ohmigod," I squeaked. I had been right. My eyes were as wide as saucers probably. I didn't know what to think.
I ran from the suite, quickly paying for the appointment, and went outside, breathing heavily. How could I be pregnant? When I use to sleep around, I always used protection, but I hadn't done that in three months, not since Taylor...
I fell into a park bench when I hit this realisation. Taylor was the father. He was the only time I didn't bother with condoms, or anything other method of birth control.
Tears fell from my eyes, as I sprinted home. Slamming the door when I entered the house, I ran up to my room.
Flopping onto my bed, I quickly brought out the pamphlet. It went through the options. I could have an abortion. I couldn't do that. I'd already lost Taylor to death, there was no way I was losing his child to that too. I could give it up for adoption. Or I could keep it.
"Taylor," I said aloud, looking upwards. "Taylor, tell me, what I should do?"

* * * * *

Six Months Later

Donna

"JUST GIVE ME THE FUCKIN' DRUGS!!!" I screamed. Baz laughed, and Jocie held my hand.
"It's nearly over girlie, don't worry."
"Well, make sure you belt the shit out of Baz for me," I panted.
I was in the maternity ward of the hospital, feeling like I was being turned inside out. Whatever that cretin of a child was doing, it was taking its time. I don't recommend labour to anyone.
My mother eventually found out about my pregnancy. She kicked me out of home. I haven't been back since. I bounced backward and forth between friends' houses, but I now live with Barry. I tried to go to school as often as I could, but in the end, I got some classmates to hand me the work that I was missing out on. Barry went to the same school, and went through the work he remembered doing. Although unemployed now, he did finish school. But the day before I gave birth, he had an interview with a well-respected company, which had good pay, so fingers crossed.
"OH GROSS!!!" shrieked Jocie.
"What?" I asked, as the doctor told me to push more.
"It's coming!" she squealed. Baz managed to stop stirring everyone up, as I delivered what felt like a watermelon.
"HELP ME!!! AAAAHHHH!!!!" I screamed.
"It's out! It's out!" yelled Baz. I sat up, looking at the little thing that was my baby. I smiled. I used to always watch TV, and think that newborn babies looked like red, slimy jellybeans. But I was a mother now, that was my child, and I thought it was beautiful.
"It's a girl!" said the nurse, carefully wrapping the baby up.
"Well, you won't be able to use the name you picked out," said Jocie, as I took my daughter into my arms.
"Yeah I can," I said. "It's a girl's name as well." I smiled at my little girl, whispering, "Welcome to the world Taylor Newmens."

* * * * *

before / and / after