Before and After

Part One: Before

Chapter One -- Playing Pretend

Why was I a singer? Why was I not an actor? For acting was something I was very good at. A fake smile was my specialty.
As I sung the horridly nauseous tune again, for the countless time, I jumped about behind my keyboards and pretended I was having fun.
At the end of the song, which I had prayed everyone would forget sooner or later, the presenter came up to us, saying what a terrific job we'd done. Say what you really mean lady, I know you hate the song just as much as I do.
"We hope to have you back on the show sometime soon!' said her fake English accent. No you don't. You want Courtney Love back on. She was more interesting than what we were.
"Can't wait to return," I said, using all the charms which I had positively overused ages ago.
"Hanson folks!" cried the presenter. I waved, just like the other two, watching the two obsessed teenies in the front row squeal. The rest of the audience clapped politely, only because there were flashing lights telling them to do so.
Backstage, and in the privacy of our dressing room, I snatched my clothes from the rack, ducking behind the curtain. Kicking off the shoes that Baby Spice would be proud of, and peeling the awful leather pants that had to be at least a size to small; I slid on my baggy jeans. Undoing the far too bright velour shirt, I slipped over my head my favourite T-shirt, my red one. (Zac has since stolen my other favourite shirt.)
Emerging from behind the curtain, I pulled my sneakers onto my feet. As I tied the laces, I said to my brothers,
"Wow, that rocked, didn't it?" My voice dripped with sarcasm, as I pulled the laces hard.
"Well, if you tried a little harder-" said Isaac. I was about to respond, when one of my laces broke.
"Oh shit," I muttered. As I continued on my shoes, I said to Isaac, "What is there to try for any more?"
Zac, as per usual, stayed out of the argument, and like normal, he was scrawling in his journal.
"Hey Ike?" I continued. "We sing the one song over and over, to fans who won't give a fuck tomorrow what we do. So why bother?"
"To maybe earn those fans back?" asked Isaac.
"Yeah, well, I'm sick of it, okay?" I said softly. I didn't enjoy fighting with Isaac, but we both looked at everything so differently. We never used to.
I brought my knees up to my chest, not looking at anyone or anything, just looking at my bony, skinny fingers, twisting them about each other.
"OHMIGOD!!!" My head shot up, turning to look at the door. Those two girls from the audience were there, holding out their 'Middle of Nowhere' CD covers. "IT'S HANSON!!!"
"Are you just going to stand there, or are you going to come in?" I asked. To stunned that those three boys they saw on MTV ages ago were in front of them to realise I wasn't being very nice to them, they came in.
"Can you sign these for us?" I was about to say no, when Isaac stepped forward.
"Sure thing," he smiled. The girls looked at him as if he were some mutant alien from outer space, handing them their CD covers. "What are your names?" he asked.
"Susie," the short brunette giggled.
"And Edele," giggled the other. Both were wearing Hanson T-shirts, which made me feel like I was looking into a mirror.
Isaac signed their covers with the texta that lived in his cargo pockets, before they came up to me.
"Hey Taylor," said Edele, stepping closer to me.
"Hi," I said, as Isaac handed me the texta, with a stern look on his face. He mouthed something like "Be nice." I nodded.
"Your hair looks so shiny," flattered Edele, as I scribbled my name onto her cover.
"I get forced to wash it twice a day because of a video clip," I said. I saw Isaac's head pop up from that silly sci-fi novel he's been writing.
"We like all your video clips," gushed Susie, as I took her cover. "But 'MMMBop' is our FAVOURITE."
"So pleased you like it," I said, grinning a satirical grin. The girls' eyes lit up.
Just as they were leaving to go talk to Zac, Edele ran her hand over my leg.
"Yeah, well, I'm so pleased to meet you," she said seductively, dropping a piece of paper in my lap.
As they spoke to Zac, I read what the paper had to say.

Edele Lindley
(26) 1254-4855
"Love you 'till the end, forever and a day"

I shook my head. It would have to be the oldest trick in the book, girls giving me their phone numbers.
"See ya'," said Isaac, as the girls left.
"See ya'," they repeated. "Bye Taylor," whispered Edele. I smiled weakly, which sent her into almost hyperventilation in the hallway.
Isaac looked out the door, shutting it gently.
"Taylor," he said, as if fed up.
"They were too star struck, and everything I said was technically something nice," I said. Zac continued to write in his journal. "Listen Ike, I don't want to fight. But the Edele half is expecting a call from me tonight." Isaac started to laugh as I held up the paper.
"Add that to the collection."

* * * * *

Taylor lay on the couch, sleeping. Zachary walked up to him, sitting on the floor where his head was.
Taylor's breathing was rushed, and he was fidgeting violently. It was another nightmare.
Zachary wasn't entirely sure what to do. Should he wake Taylor? Should he let him sleep? Deciding that to wake Taylor might be the best idea, Zachary gently tapped Taylor on the shoulder.
"Tayles? Tayles? Wake up, Tayles..."
The repetitive voice kept echoing around inside his mind. The dream wasn't making sense. There was smoke; there was blood, pills, syringes and cigarettes, all in one room. Taylor could see his hands, covered in the sticky red liquid.
His crystal blue eyes fluttered open. They used to be happy, they used to sparkle like a blue ocean. Now they were scared.
"Zac?" said Taylor softly. Zachary nodded, not quite sure what for. "It was that dream again, I knew everything in it, but it didn't make sense-"
"Shhh," hushed Zachary, ceasing his brother's babbling. "It's over. You're awake." Taylor sat up, bringing his legs to his chest. He often sat like that, as if blocking out the rest of the world. Zachary took a risk, sitting next to Taylor.
Taylor looked at his hands. They were clean from blood. A tear slipped his eye. He wasn't quite sure if he was pleased or angry.
"Taylor, it's okay," said Zachary, trying to believe his own words. Taylor just shook his head.
"I don't know," he said so softly. His world was blurred, before another tear escaped.
"C'mon," said Zachary, taking Taylor's hand. "Maybe you should get some rest. We've got another in-store tomorrow." Zachary wasn't quite sure the seriousness of everything. Zachary couldn't see the occasional tear.
Taylor followed his well-doing brother to his bed across the room. It was yet another hotel bed, pristine white sheets with floral trimmings.
"I don't want to go," said Taylor, as Zachary left the room to let his brother dress in peace. Zachary quickly looked around, before saying,
"Neither do I."

* * * * *

"Okay Tay, say something into the mike," said the sound tech guy.
"This bites and I wanna go home," I said, yawning. I hadn't slept too good the night before.
"Thanks Tay." I walked off the "stage". It was the early hours of the morning, before the shopping centre opened. We were doing a sound check for the in-store.
While Ike goofed off on the stage, Zac came up to me.
"You okay?" he asked. I nodded, walking away. I didn't want to leave Zac like that, but at the same time I didn't want it to seem like I couldn't handle everything that was being thrown at me.
"I'll be back in a moment, just want to get some fresh air," I said.
Walking out the way I walked in, I found myself in an underground car park. It was empty. No people, no cars. Except for some girls hanging around the front. Luckily I knew the back entrance.
Walking at a fast rate away from the building, I hid myself around a corner. Already there were fans mingling around the place. One of them looked up, but didn't say anything to her giggling friends. From my pocket, I pulled out a cigarette. I never kept a whole packet on me, for someone could find out, but it's the one thing that keeps me separated from the family. We all have long blonde hair, or we all like wearing jeans and a T-shirt. We all sing, and we all practise good morals. No one smokes.
Lighting the cigarette with the little red plastic lighter that lived in my other pocket, I took a drag from the tobacco, a little trail of smoke coming up from the lighted end. I'd be lying if I said it soothed me completely, but a sense of calmness swept over me. I don't really like the taste of cigarettes, but I just have this urge every now and then to smoke the stuff.
It never used to be like this. I never used to act and pretend. I used to like all those fans; I used to think it was awesome. I used to write songs about things that I didn't even know anything about, like girls and Love. The only song that had any life experience put into it was 'With You in Your Dreams'.
But now it's all changed. Or maybe nothing's changed; I just never saw it.
We were working on a new album, doing a lot of studio work in LA. I had songs that I had written, taken from sleepless nights when I awoke from another dream, or when the world had just become too much, or when the words swirled around in my mind. Sometimes I played them to Zac and Isaac; sometimes they heard me singing them. They would never really give me an opinion on them. So I myself would suggest them to producers and managers, the people on the new album's team. They said they wouldn't fit in on the album's theme, they were so dark and too moody. Maybe when we were older. Isaac agreed a lot of the time. Zac never said anything.
Music's all about reputation. Once you've been "tagged", that's it. People are given that impression, and there's nothing you can do about it.
Such a pity I'm a real person, isn't it?

* * * * *

"Where's Taylor? The shopping centre's opening soon. Already there's fans lining up," said Diana, quickly scanning the area.
"He'll be back in a moment," said Zachary, sitting at a café table in the shopping centre. His journal lay in front of him, as the end of his pen rhythmically tapped the table. Zachary didn't have a clue where Taylor had gone, but occasionally he would sneak away, while no one was looking. He always returned.
Zachary felt someone's presence behind him, as he shut his journal. Turning around, he saw Isaac.
"Hey," he said, as Isaac took a seat.
"What do you think is wrong with Taylor?" asked Isaac. He sounded concerned and worried for their brother.
"I wouldn't know," said Zachary. "Maybe it's just homesickness. He was always the one to bomb out on sleepovers at Jamie's place."
"Yeah," said Isaac, nodding. Zachary shrugged, noting to himself that there was more to it than that. "He is kinda a moody person.
Isaac looked paranoid. Being the older brother, he was always kind of a control freak. He liked to know that everything was in order with his siblings, and that everything was going to be okay. Isaac always loved a happy ending.
Stepping up from the table, Isaac looked at Zachary. "Do ya' think he'll be all right, like it'll all blow over?"
"It should. Remember, he's moody, never ate much, and hasn't been sleeping lately. All symptoms for bad moods." As Isaac walked away, Zachary reopened his journal.

Something serious is wrong with Taylor, and making up excuses for it isn't making me feel any better. He was always one for a family, he loved home, the security. But now it's almost as if he's growing apart from us.
So here I am. Ike and I play opposites, I give him the reassuring advice. He's so worked up, almost more so than Taylor is so moody.

Shutting the book, Zachary closed his eyes. The haunting image of Taylor, his blue eyes scared, escaped into his mind. Isaac didn't know that part.

* * * * *

Chapter Two -- Reactions

The cigarette came to an end, and I stepped on the butt and threw it into a nearby rubbish bin. The aroma of tobacco smoke remained in the air, and probably on my clothes as well. Well, that was too bad.
Walking as subtly as I could back into the mall, that one girl that saw me before smiled me a shy smile. I waved, before bolting back into the building.
"Taylor! There you are!" said Mom. "They're going to open the mall now, so we were thinking about leaving." She tilted her head as she looked at me. "Cheer up Tay," she said in a motherly voice. "We're going home soon." I looked at my feet, my messy blonde hair falling in front of my face like a curtain.
"Whatever," I muttered. We'd go home for a little while. Once we'd catch up on our sleep, we'd go sing again. To me, there's no such thing as "home" any more. Your wardrobe is a suitcase, and that shelf in your room with all your precious belongings is your backpack. Every day, you have fresh sheets, with a new surrounding, and people like to do everything for you, treating you like royalty.
Well, if I wanted royalty, my name would be Prince William, wouldn't it?
For once I wanted to change my clothes, not my bed sheets, I wanted to stay in one place long enough to pin my calendar up and put up my soccer ribbons.
I saw Zac sitting at a table, scrawling in his journal. He looked thoughtful, in a worried sense.
He looked up to see me.
"Hey Tay," he smiled. His blonde hair was tucked neatly behind his ears, as he wore his favourite shirt.
"You do know that shirt's mine?" I cracked. Zac gave a laugh.
"You know it doesn't fit no more!" Zac shut his journal, its covers filled with pictures of family, friends, and some fans. Zackie's finally starting to notice the opposite sex I'd noted.
I sat down at the table with Zac, as he put on a serious look.
"Promise not to fight with Ike today about the band and everything?" he said softly. I bit my lip.
"I'll try."

* * * * *

After receiving a half-promise from Taylor, Taylor left the table. Zachary sighed. A holiday, a year's holiday. That's all.
Slowly Zachary put his head on the table, his eyes fluttering close. Crossing his arms on the table, it acted like a barrier from anyone who dare disturb him.
Lost in his self-created darkness, half in, half out of conscious, Zachary tried to block out the squealing from the front door of the mall, the noise of shops opening for trade.
"Zachary. Zackie, Zac, c'mon," said a voice. Zachary turned his head slightly. It was Taylor. "We're going."
Taylor smelt funny. It wasn't like Zachary went to great length to sniff his brothers and sisters out, but Taylor did have a strange and different scent around him.
Never minding it for now, Zachary grabbed his journal and pen, following Taylor out of the mall.
Becoming the shadows of beefy security guards, all the family rushed onto the bus.
And in this frenzy of screaming and pushing girls, Zachary felt something fall from his grasp.

* * * * *

The three brothers weren't due back for the rest of the day. But her friends insisted on staying ALL day.
Where there was once a flurry of girls, there was just shoppers going in, coming out of the mall.
Her eyes became attracted to something. It was a book.
Seeing that her friends were paying no attention to her whatsoever, she quickly walked over to pick up an A5 exercise book. Stuck on the front were pictures of people she'd never seen before.
Opening the front cover, big capital letters bounced out at her.

ZACHARY HANSON'S JOURNAL
READ IT AND I'LL SEND YOU TO ALBERTANE

She couldn't believe what she held in her possession. Her friends would freak out completely. Something "Hanson" they didn't have.
But she knew they would read it. Tell everyone about the secrets that Zachary might want kept secrets. Of course, curiosity boiled up inside of her, and of course, she wanted to sneak a peak at the book herself. But she knew better.
Slipping the book into her shoulder bag, she walked up to her friends.
"Lindy, cheer up girly! Hanson are comin' back!" cried the "leader" Victoria. Possibly the most obsessed with the pop group out of the circle of friends, Victoria was a nice person -- if you were on the right side of her. She held a pretty mean grudge. "Whatcha' find?"
She searched into her shoulder bag, pulling out her student diary. "I must've dropped it when Hanson were coming out of the mall."
"Oh, that's cool you found it. Now what were you saying Becky? Taylor's quitting?"
Sliding the book back into her shoulder bag, she said to the other girls, mainly addressing Victoria,
"I'm going for a walk. Maybe I'll catch a movie, do some window-shopping. I'll be back here before Hanson are supposed to come back, don't worry about that."
"That's okay. Be careful!" warned Victoria, as Lindy stepped into the mall.

* * * * *

Zac looked panicked. His eyes darted everywhere. He turned his backpack upside down, spilling out the CD's, Discman, pens, paper, and magazine. Obviously he didn't find what he was looking for, so he put his other belongings back into the orange Rip Curl bag. He began to pace up and down the bus, peaking underneath the seats, and checking out everything.
Finally, after doing this a few hundred times, he came up to Ike and I and asked,
"Have you guys seen my journal?" Zac's eyes continued to scan the bus and everyone on it.
"Weren't you writing in it? asked Ike. I was curled up on the seat, lacing and weaving my fingers about each other.
A look of realisation swept over Zac's face, as he ran to the back of the bus. Looking out the window, he muttered,
"That's what I dropped." His shoulder's slumped. Zac was still for a moment, before he ran up to the bus driver. "Excuse me? I dropped my journal back there-"
"Too late," said the bus driver. "Someone's probably already picked it up." Zac slowly made his way back to us, taking a seat next to Ike. (I was behind them both.)
"What was written in there Zac?" asked Ike. "Nothing you couldn't write out again."
"Situation," Zac began. "Fan finds my journal. Action: They tell everyone they can. Result: Press will have a field day with what's in it." Zac slammed his head against the back of the seat.
"Well Zac, it might be a benefit," I said.
"And how do you see that Taylor?" asked Zac, turning around to face me.
"They'll find out we're real people, not whatever other shit they call us, and they'll leave us alone." As far as I was concerned, it wasn't so bad. Then again, it was Zac's favourite possession as far as I knew.
We all used to write a journal each, on the recommendation of Dad. Isaac's is now a song notebook, the lines are even ruled to accommodate musical notes on some pages. I do keep a journal, but it's so secret, no one knows about it. It's not all that special to me, I write in it when I feel like it, which isn't often. But Zac is constantly scribbling away in his. He's up to his second journal, and these are pretty thick books. Zac always has it on him.
I never knew what was written in it. And I never asked either. So the press' reactions to it, if they did find the book, were unpredictable. If they had found Isaac's notebook, it wouldn't be that bad I guess. And if they found mine, they'd give me a psychiatrist and an anti-depressant. Oh, and the fan mailbox would go into overload with "Cheer up soon Taylor" letters. No one would really actually CARE as such.
But who knows what would happen when people found Zac's journal. Only Zac knew what the contents of his precious book were, therefore Zac was the only one who could even begin to predict what the press' reactions would be.
"Sooo... how much trouble do you think we're in?" asked Ike.
"There's answers to questions we've always refused to answer," was Zac's only answer. The answer had about a million different meanings, as there were a million different stupid questions we got asked. I didn't want to push the subject too much though. It was Zac's privacy, and he deserved respect for that.
I'd love to be able to say I play "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" but... I guess I can't really.

* * * * *

The movie didn't start until ten o' clock, so Lindy took a seat at a café table, with a cup of orange juice. She looked up at the stage. Already there was about a hundred girls lining the edge of the stage. On the stage was a sign that said "On stage at 7pm, HANSON will be performing tracks from their albums 'Middle of Nowhere' and '3 Car Garage', plus signing copies of their CD's."
Lindy knew she would be stuck in that uncomfortable line until all hours of the night. She'd be silent, wouldn't say a word to the boys, just watch them sign her 'Middle of Nowhere' CD she bought second-hand from an ex-Hanson fan at school. Well, she would give Zachary his journal back.
Sipping the sweet juice, Lindy poked around in her canvas "Save the Animals RSPCA" shoulder bag. Zachary's journal was so inviting... he wouldn't know that ONE person had read it.
Grabbing the journal, she placed it on the table. Opening the cover, she was faced with some difficult to decipher scrawl. Having some awful writing herself it didn't take her long to catch on.

I just want to go home. I love singing, the dedicated (but noisy) fans, just the feel of my drumsticks, or my shakers in my hand, is just comforting. But it's becoming too much. Mum said my grades were slipping. That isn't my fault, I don't have enough time to study.
But it's Taylor I'm worried about. Some nights he goes out, without telling us an exact place he's going. I'm not quite sure whether to be pleased or not. He swears more often, and talks about depressing subjects. He was always sarcastic, but this is something more. He was talking suicide rates of teenagers in America today.
But the scariest thing is the dreams. He shakes, and he makes scared noises. Then he wakes, and babbles on, but the words mean nothing to me.
I want to help. But at the same time, I'm scared. I just want to go home.

Lindy slammed the book shut, throwing it back into her bag. She knew she'd just read something she shouldn't have. That was one of the latest entries.
Not quite sure what to do, Lindy picked up her things, and started walking to the cinema, continuing to drink the orange juice.
Lindy remembered how Victoria would go on and on about how fun and zany Zac was. "Oh he's so funny! They call him ProZac supposedly."
But Lindy had just learnt something that she wasn't supposed to. It was private. It wasn't her business.
Or maybe it was.

* * * * *

Chapter Three -- What's Wrong With Tay Today?

Zac had always been annoying. We liked it.
But today, he was so tense. Pacing, biting his nails, (which he did anyway) and not concentrating on school. Annoying in a bad way.
"Zac," said Ike. "Cheer up. We can get you a new journal, plus a fan might hand in your old one. They're nice girls."
"Ike," I said. "Think realistically. They'd tell everyone before they gave it back. Zac doesn't care if he doesn't get it back, he just doesn't want anyone reading it."
"I can speak for myself!" snapped Zac. I brought my knees to my chest again. I knew that. "But Tay's right."
Ike looked at me, but I refused to look at him. Just at my fingers, with the gold "Hanson" ring that the right middle finger bore.
Someone gave it to me, a fan, someone, like that Edele girl from the other day. I wear it, because it's kinda cool. Of course, that started a trend, I now have a collection of jewellery that bears my last name. But just this one ring I wear.
Zac sighed, and looked out the window. Quickly he looked at me, before continuing his stare out the window.
I lifted myself from the seat, and walked to another seat by myself, leaving Ike and Zac behind. Taking up the full two seats, I curled up, and fell into a scary repose.

* * * * *

"Why'd you snap at him?" asked Isaac, watching Taylor fall asleep. "You know he's kinda, I dunno, weird, depressed right now."
"Taylor this and Taylor that," Zachary intoned. "I wonder what's wrong with Tay today!" Zachary then took himself to another seat.
Isaac moved over to the window seat, staring out the window. He wasn't actually focusing on anything; he was just staring.
All he wanted to do was help. Be there for Taylor, and be there for Zachary. Isaac always had good intentions.
Isaac loved a happy ending. And that's all he wanted. The happy ending to this story would be a year off work, even more, just being "normal".
But if it was one thing Isaac had learnt during his "musical success" was that once you were there, there was no going back again. There was no playing in front of his father's employees, and there was no singing outside the Blue Rose Café any more. Sure, it was exciting selling out places like Wembly, and his hometown's Maybee Centre. But it was just as fun singing to school kids in a gymnasium. Maybe even more fun. Because Isaac knew he would be able to go home, and just be Isaac. Not some "rock God", not a "heartthrob", he could go home and just be Isaac.
But that wasn't possible. Home was in a suitcase. Public demand, attention, spotlights -- all focused on he and his brothers.
What was once the best friendship anyone could even begin to think about having; was slowing falling apart.
Something was wrong with Taylor. Life just didn't matter, because Taylor almost acted as if he didn't even care about life, some days even wanting to give it up. And Zachary was now upset that he'd lost his journal.
Zachary's journal, in a way, was his only friend on the road. It would listen to his problems, not be uncaring, and it could be trusted with any secret. Not that Zachary didn't turn to Isaac or Taylor, but the journal was an escape.
Isaac leant against the headrest of the seat. There's no place like home... wouldn't that ring true... if Isaac knew where home was any more.

* * * * *

The room was black, thick with smoke. Strobe lights, mirror balls and coloured disco lights flicked and flashed about. Blaring music could be heard pumping in the next block.
He was caught in it all. Popping pills, smoking anything rolled up in paper, and drinking alcohol that was being passed around. Already there was an injection mark on his right wrist, underneath his watchband.
The room seemed to spin, while blood seeped from slashes cut deep into his wrists. His hands were sticky, as the blood dripped onto the floor.
The room continued to spin like a toy-top, while he continued to stumble. In one hand he had an alcohol bottle. Taking a long drink from it, he poured some onto the cuts. It stang like crazy, and he flinched in pain. But still, blood dripped from the ever-growing cuts.
His body lost control, as he fell onto the hard floor. The glass bottle shattered, cutting his hands.
The pain was unbearable, but he could do nothing about it. He had lost control. The spinning turned into black, as his head fell to the floor, still with death.

* * * * *

I shot up, breathing heavily. I turned to look at my wrist. They were clean from my blood. There was an injection mark beneath my watchband though, that was from the other night.
My head throbbed painfully, as I leant against the headrest of the seat. I was still not sure whether that dream was just a dream. Did I want it to really happen? ... Maybe I did.

* * * * *

Lindy sat in the theatre, not really watching the movie. She couldn't help but think about what was in Zachary's journal.
Curiosity killed the cat, information brought it back, but as far as Lindy was concerned, the cat lived a life of guilt and worry.
Lindy had questions before she read the journal. Like how did she become even half way interested in Hanson? Just to be a part of Victoria's group? So now that she was "into" Hanson, she asked the normal questions, who was Madeline, what does MMMBop mean...
But now there were different questions. Lindy wanted to ask these questions as a friend, not as a fan.
Of course, Lindy could just read the journal. But something told her that Zachary didn't know the answers either.

* * * * *

"MMMBop, ba duba dop, ba du bop..." How silly did I sound exactly? The journo up the front on the stage looked as bored as hell.
I shook the tambourine, as I sung in tune. All the girls were screaming, and I wondered how they heard us sing. There was one girl, the girl I'd seen before. More or less, she'd seen me. She just danced and sang. She had a heavy stare on Zac, and looked almost scared. Then again, the girl next to her was red in the face, and looked like she was hyperventilating.
"And that was HANSON guys, for 102.5 Pop FM!" cried the DJ. "So tell me guys, what have you been up too?"
"Working on the new album!" said Ike, and the girls went even more beserk. Ike always had good people skills.
"Wanna sample some for us?" I looked at Ike and Zac.
"Do you want to?" said Ike, not into the mike. I shook my head.
"We don't have any that we could really agree on, said Zac, looking at his feet. So Ike said into the mike,
"You'll have to wait and see, we've got so many to chose from that we know you'll love, we can't pick!" shrugged Ike. Now I don't know whether they're people skills or it was that voice that everyone uses, the one where you're sucking up and you know it. Blah.
"Tay, Zac, would you like to say anything to the fans out there before they have the op to come up and MEET you?"
"AAAAHHHH!!!" screamed the girls.
"Have fun," I said weakly.
"And if anyone sees a book, with photos on it- never mind," said Zac.
"HANSON!!!" yelled the DJ, as Ike, Zac and I left the stage.

* * * * *

Lindy didn't know that Victoria was so good at pushing in and sweet-talking. Victoria got Lindy, herself, plus their five other friends through the autograph queue twice as fast than you think.
Lindy was nervous. Not because she was going to be meeting Hanson, honestly she didn't care about that, but because now she knew something, a secret of theirs, or at least a little bit of what seemed like a much larger story.
"Okay girls, we'll have you, you and you up next," said a large security guard.
"Awww, but I HAVE to go with Lindy!" whined Victoria. She was probably faking it; she just didn't want to hurt Lindy's feelings, especially since she hadn't seen Lindy all day.
"Ah Vicky, I'll survive," assured Lindy, following two other girls to the side of the stage.
"Liiindeee!" cried Victoria. Lindy gave a warm wave. It didn't take Victoria long to start talking to her other friends.
Victoria wasn't a "real" best friend to Lindy. Lindy's best friend was Amanda. Amanda lived in Okalahoma City, and that's where Lindy used to live too. Of course, due to her mother's job, Lindy now lived in Pasadena, California, which was so much further away from Okalahoma. Amanda's parents never really approved of Lindy anyway.
One of the unknown girls turned to Lindy.
"Ohmigod, I get to touch Taylor in a minute!" she squealed. Then she laughed. "Sorry, just had to vent."
"No problem, I'm kinda nervous myself." The other girl, who would've been about five years old, nodded. "I'm not a big fan or anything, but my friend is hyped about these guys," explained Lindy. The other girl had to be at least nineteen, five years older than Lindy.
"Girls, your turn to go up," said a bodyguard. "Promise not to do anything drastic?" He looked at the three girls. There was the little five year old shaking like a leaf, a level headed looking nineteen year old, and the quiet Lindy. None looked too threatening.
"Do we look the drastic type?" joked the older girl. "Don't worry, the boys will still be in one piece." The guard smiled, and waved them through.
Lindy placed herself last in line, behind the little girl.
"Are you scared?" whispered the little girl, turning to face Lindy.
"Terrified," replied Lindy, watching the older girl shake Isaac Hanson's hand. Lindy smiled at the scared stiff little girl, giving her a quick hug.
"You're so tall," said the little girl, as Isaac waved her over to him.
"Not really," said Lindy, pointing to the platform sneakers Victoria had leant her. The little girl giggled, walking up to Isaac. Lindy smiled.
Finally, Isaac waved Lindy over. She handed him her 'Middle of Nowhere' CD cover.
"How are you?" asked Isaac warmly.
"Terrified," squeaked Lindy, going red in the face. Isaac chuckled, handing the CD cover over to Taylor Hanson.
Lindy studied Taylor. He looked so different in real life than in the picture on her wall that Victoria gave her. He was so skinny, and his hair was sort of messy, but Lindy didn't catch a glimpse of those smiling blue eyes in her picture. Something told her that they weren't smiling now though.
As Taylor handed the CD cover onto Zachary Hanson, Lindy said softly,
"I hope you get your holiday," before she moved herself in front of Zachary.
Lindy went into her bag. "I have something of yours," she said, sliding Zachary's journal across the table to him.
Zachary stopped halfway through signing his name, taking the journal into his hands.
"Where'd you get this?" he asked.
"I picked it up, it was lying on the road," she said. "I have to admit, I read one page of it, but I didn't show or tell anyone about it." Zachary clutched the book; unable to believe this girl had been so honest, before laying out the book, opening it to a half-filled page. Zachary handed Lindy his texta and his journal.
"Write your name down please, and your phone number too," said Zachary, a little nervous almost.
"Why?" asked Lindy, taking the texta.
"You didn't show anyone my journal, plus you returned it," said Zachary. "I owe you.
"It was no trouble," said Lindy.
"I'd still like to thank you." Lindy was surprised. This wasn't the Zachary Victoria told her about. Still, Lindy wrote in the journal.

Lindy Tylers
(74) 5391-6892
But you don't have too

Zachary finished signing Lindy's CD cover after she handed the texta back. Just as she was walking away, Zachary again said to her,
"Thank you."
She smiled, and walked away.

* * * * *

Chapter Four -- Sugar Sweet Like Honey

"Who was that chick you were talking to at the in-store today?" I asked that night, lying in bed. Zac's bedside light was on, and he scrawled away in his journal. "She told me she hoped I got my holiday."
"Her name's Lindy Tylers," said Zac. "She found my journal. And she didn't tell anyone, and didn't show anyone."
"She read it herself though, didn't she?" said Ike.
"I always used to read your journal, and Tay's journal," said Zac, not looking up.
"But what did she mean about what she said to me?" I asked. Zac's journal obviously had something to do with it.
Zac didn't say anything, but he did shut his journal protectively, hiding it beneath his pillow.
"But I don't read you journals any more," was Zac's only comment. He turned off his lamp. "'Night guys," he said sleepily. "Seventy days 'till home to Tulsa."

* * * * *

The phone rang. Lindy picked it up, racing from her place in the bath.
"Hello?" said Lindy, trying to fix up her towel one handedly. Finally she was satisfied it was covering everything, even though there was no one home to look at her naked.
"Hi, this is Zachary Hanson, may I please speak with Lindy Tylers?" said the voice on the other end.
"This is Lindy, Zac."
"Hi, you found my journal for me..." Zachary wasn't quite sure what to say.
"Yeah, I did find your journal," said Lindy. She wasn't expecting a call from Zachary.
"Well, I'd like to say thank you. I know I've probably overused the words a bit, but that book means heaps to me." There was silence. "Is there anything I can do to say thanks?" Lindy bit her lip.
"You saw 'Titanic' right?"
"Mum totally fell in love with it."
"Do you remember the scene where Jack stopped Rose jumping off the back of the ship?" said Lindy.
"MMMhmmm."
"Jack said he was involved. There was no turning back." Lindy paused, as the water droplets cascaded down her towel-clad body. "I only know half the story like Jack did. But I'm involved now."
Lindy was what Zachary was looking for, and she seemed more than keen to befriend him.
Zachary always spoke to his brothers about his troubles, but that was so hard now. Taylor had changed so much, he was no longer the angelic advice giving middle brother. And Isaac seemed to be going to Zachary for advice Zachary didn't have.
Zachary's friends back home in Tulsa seemed so distant now. He just couldn't call them whenever he felt like it, because of the time differences it always seemed indecent hours of the day. And since he hadn't spoken to them as often as he liked, he found himself telling them how cool it was meeting Cindy Crawford, rather than what was really on his mind. As hard as it was for Zachary to admit, he'd lost a lot of his friends since this whole "famous" thing started.
Lindy was concerned, as she was hinting in her subtle way, and she wanted to be there. Having someone to talk to outside of the family was what Zachary was looking for.
"Do you live in LA?" asked Zachary.
"I live in Pasadena," said Lindy. "It's half an hour away."
"Do ya' wanna come and hang with me, I mean, us, in the studio today?"
"Are you doing this as a favour, or because you want to?" asked Lindy.
"Our conversation is kinda polite, isn't it?" said Zachary, laughing a little. "I would've had more comebacks than you can count on two hands, but things have been tough lately."
"Well, I'm not some obsessed fan who's gonna run off and tell everyone," assured Lindy. "My friend Vicky actually said to go to your in-store. I was at that darn mall all day and most of the night. I can tell you the price of every CD in Musik Central, and I can recite word for word of the latest issue of 'Entertainment Weekly'." Lindy gave a chuckle. "But I'm glad I did." Zachary smiled to himself.
"Let's sort out some plans for today, hey?"

* * * * *

Zac invited his new friend Lindy to the studio. She somehow got into the building, and she and Zac were hanging out in the mixing room. Ike was laying down vocals in the recording room, and I was asleep in the office.
I was asleep until noon, when Ike woke me.
"We're having lunch now Tayles," he said.
"What take-away shit are we having today?" I mumbled.
"Fresh salad and fruit juice actually. You're lucky," said Ike.
"I'm not that hungry." I rolled over on the couch to face him.
"C'mon, you haven't even met Zac's new friend Lindy yet." His voice dropped to a concerned level. "And you don't eat enough."
"I'm not just hungry yet," I said, burying my head into my arms. I felt like shit run-over.
Life was pointless. I spend my whole life making other people happy, but I don't enjoy doing it. I used to.
Sometimes I think people take advantage of my brothers and I because of our age. Because of our image, we're always going to be three little innocent boys singing like chipmunks about first love and aliens. And I used to like doing that. But now we had people saying to us "Do this, do that, you can have a holiday soon, WE PROMISE." We're getting flak from everyone because we're being who we are, not being the three innocent and young chipmunks.
But we're not three innocent and young chipmunks. We're definitely not that now anyway.

* * * * *

The tangy taste of mayonnaise filled Zachary's mouth, as he ate his salad piled onto his plate. Lindy sat next to him, and he could feel her platform shoe playfully kicking his. Taylor hadn't joined them, ("Them" being the eight members of the Hanson family, people working on the album such as sound technicians, songwriters, and the publicist.) and the whole morning wasn't quite what Lindy was expected. She enjoyed it though...
...Lindy and Zachary had been in the mixing room. Usually that was risky, due to the fact that Zachary knew what he was doing. 'ZZZBop' proved quite a laugh anyhow.
Zachary picked the mixing room because there was no one in there. Taylor slept in the office, and Isaac was recording vocals in the recording room. Lindy was giggling, as Zachary played the infamous 'ZZZBop'. As he did, he tried to steal as many looks to Lindy as possible. Her hair was brown, with blonde highlights running through it, stopping at her shoulders. It was layered, and there was little pink and purple butterfly clips flying about. She wore a pink and purple woollen cardigan, with cargo jeans, and those platform shoes she was wearing last night. Once Zachary caught her gaze, and she smiled back, pushing some locks of her hair behind her ear.
"Go on, what are your favourite Hanson songs?" Zachary opened up a drawer, filled with things that would forever mystify Lindy.
"Ummm..." Lindy thought for a moment, trying to remember the songs from 'Middle of Nowhere'. "I like 'Weird'," Zachary pulled some electronic... thing from the drawer. "And, ahhh, how about 'Look at You', is that enough?"
"That's enough," assured Zachary, pulling another electronic thing from the drawer. "You're like, the only person I know who likes 'Look at You'," said Zachary. "Well, I like it."
Lindy wasn't quite sure what Zachary was doing; it looked confusing... as in VERY confusing.
Finally, curiosity overpowered Lindy, and she finally asked,
"What are you doing?" Zachary's head had been bent over some controls, but he now looked up and smiled. His chocolate brown eyes were so warm, and Lindy could feel herself melting, just like chocolate.
"This is the fun part." He sat down on the other unoccupied swivel chair; Lindy had been occupying the other one. "Now, each part of your favourite song is a track, right? So say you slide up the button for Zac's drumming on 'Look at You', you get to hear that." Zachary hit play, sliding up that track. And true to his word, Zachary's drumming from 'Look at You' played.
"Cool," smiled Lindy. "Can I have a go?"
"Just be careful. Break this and... well, I can't even begin to imagine the trouble. And that's an area I specialise in."
"I can imagine," chuckled Lindy.
Zachary and Lindy spent about fifteen minutes concentrating fully on the mixing. After then, their minds began to wander.
"So how much longer are you in LA?" asked Lindy.
"About two more months. We've got about half and album worth of stuff," explained Zachary. "No offence, but I can't wait to go home."
"Home is where the heart is," smiled Lindy. "You guys live in Okalahoma, right?" asked Lindy.
"Tulsa."
"I used to live in Okalahoma City," smiled Lindy. "That's where my best friend Amanda lives."
"Why'd you move?" asked Zachary.
"Mum's job. She works in LA as a journo." Lindy shook her head. "You'd hate her." Lindy looked at Zachary, scooting her chair over to him. "So how are you guys finding it here?"
"Well, LA seems to be home number two. The house we rent when we're here, you can see the Hollywood Hills from the back door." Zachary sighed. "But Tulsa home is better.
"Ya' know, it used to be so fun on the road. Meeting the fans, playing the music. And we thought that after the tours and shows, we could just go home and be Zac, Tay and Ike." Zachary paused. "You don't mind me rambling?" Lindy shook her head.
"That's what I'm here for." Zachary smiled at her.
"But now we have hardly any control over what we do. We have a manager and a publicist pick where we play, a stylist telling us what to wear, and songwriters writing our songs. We're like puppets," said Zachary. A huge weight was lifted from his shoulders. These thoughts were things that only his journal knew about. Lindy smiled a caring smile. (Zachary liked this. They seemed to be doing a lot of smiling, more smiling than he and his brothers had done since the start of the year.)
"Well, I'll strike you a deal," said Lindy. "When you're talking to me, hanging with me and stuff, I won't treat you like a puppet." Lindy stood up from her chair. I won't," she playfully grabbed a hold of Zachary's hands, "make you dance around like a puppet." She moved his hands about from side to side. "I'll let you be Zachary." Zachary looked up at Lindy.
"Thanks," said Zachary. "And can we strike another deal?"
"Depends." Zachary looked sad, despite his request.
"We'll always have fun. Coz with Tay the way he is now, and Ike trying to keep us together, my family's kinda depressing right now." Lindy looked down at Zachary, her hair falling into his face.
"Y'know, I think that can be arranged," said Lindy affectionately. Zachary reached out and tucked her hair behind her ears.
The moment was sacred, as their eyes locked. To look in, you'd think they were frozen in ice.
Zachary had heard Isaac talking about stuff like this. Whether it was actually because he knew what he was talking about, or it could be some of the gooey Hanson fanfiction on the Internet talking. If you caught Isaac in a happy mood though (a rare occasion nowadays) you could catch him talking about one of his favourite subjects -- girls and romance.
He'd speak about Love, and how your eyes lock, and you couldn't tear away, no matter how hard you tried. You would be frozen for what felt like an eternity, before your lips finally met in a sweet as sugar kiss.
Well, it didn't go quite like that for Lindy and Zachary.
When their noses were about five centimetres away from each other, Lindy promptly stopped and closed her eyes, which gave Zachary a little bit of time to figure out what exactly was going to happen next.
You're about to kiss the cute girl with the platform shoes who gave back your journal.
Zachary now couldn't stand that little bit of space between them, so he pressed his lips against Lindy's, closing his eyes too. He had heard it was bad luck to kiss with them open, and more bad luck was more than what he needed.
Isaac would've called it Love, and Taylor would've called it hormones. Zachary however, would've called it interestingly different.
The kiss didn't last anything longer than three seconds, but when Zachary pulled back and opened his eyes, he saw Lindy with her eyes shut, lightly pressing her lips together. Zachary licked his lips, savouring the taste of Lindy.
Finally, she opened her eyes.
"Do you want to opt for uncomfortable silence, more of the same, or back to the friend's thing?" said Lindy softly, still looking down at Zachary.
"Uncomfortable silence is out," said Zachary, breaking out into a smile. Lindy let go of Zachary's hands, taking her seat again on her swivel chair.
Lindy had kissed boys before in games of Kiss Chasey when she was six years old, but she wasn't quite sure if they counted. In comparison to her kiss with Zachary, they weren't even in the ballpark. But she wasn't expecting that kiss, even if it was exactly what she had wanted. It wasn't as if they were "moving too fast", for that was only a kiss, an especially honey-sweet kiss at that.
"Well, that leaves two more options," teased Lindy. She wasn't quite sure what option she wanted herself.
"How about a little bit of both?" asked Zachary.
"I think we can play that."

* * * * *

Chapter Five -- Nothing More to Say (But Mouthfuls of Words)

"Okay Tay, time to get up!" said Zac, sounding happier than he had been lately. "It's your turn to do your keyboard stuff, and if ya' get time, your vocals."
I slowly sat upright on the couch.
"What song?"
"Not quite sure. I just did the drums, bass, and vocals for 'Rushing Things', so maybe that?" Zachary was smiling so hard. "And you've got to come meet Lindy," he insisted.
"Coming," I said, following Zac to the recording room. There was a girl there, with those plastic clips scattered about her hair, all pink and purple. She wore a pink and purple cardigan, and cargo jeans, which strongly resembled mine. Plus platform shoes, which made her as tall as Zachary.
"Tay, this is Lindy, Lindy, Tay," introduced Zac. He was so happy, so I smiled politely as Lindy, shaking her hand. Taking another look at her, I realised she was the girl at the in-store yesterday.
"I noticed you yesterday," I said, letting her hand go. Lindy just nodded. She looked rather uncomfortable, in a shy sense of the word.
"Tay! C'mon, we might be able to finish 'Rushing Things' today if you're lucky!" cried one of the technicians. I waved at Lindy and Zac, before walking into the recording room.
It's a small room, and it echos, which drives me up the wall. I have to wear a set of headphones, and play my instrument or whatever. It's repetitive.
As I played the keyboard, I watched Lindy and Zac slip away... hand in hand.

* * * * *

Hey Bryan and all the guys back home,
It's Ike, here on location in LAFX Studios California. I've finished my share of the recording today, so I just get to sit back and bludge. Yay.
Home's lookin' mighty fine when we come back in June, maybe July. I'm sick of all the smog in LA, it's even worse than Rich's mom's cigarettes.
Tay's not looking so good. Not as in he's sick, just as in he needs a holiday. So start up a petition about "HANSON NEED A HOLIDAY" or something, because no one listens to us. Hey, we just make the music, no need to listen to our opinions or anything.
Zac's met a girl. Her name's Lindy. I think this might bit a little girlfriend thang. Lindy has a bad eye contact thing, and that's because they're always on Zac, and vice-versa. Say hi to Fiona for me -- I miss her.
Well, I better go -- nothing more to say.
See ya' soon,
Isaac.

Isaac quickly wrote out an envelope and slid the letter inside. Placing it in his pocket, he reminded himself to send it on his way home.
"Nothing more to say" ... oh so not true... there was more to it than Bryan, Rich, Fiona and the others could begin to imagine.

* * * * *

The view of the Hollywood Hills is pretty good. I was on the decking out the back of our rented house. Everyone slept, but I was awake at the ungodly hour of three-thirty, I'd only just gotten home...
...A headache would mimic the pounding bass of the nightclub, as I slipped in. People were everywhere, but no one payed any attention to no one. People say this is THE nightclub in LA to hang out at if you're a star. That's because everyone leaves you alone. There was no journos, no paparazzi; it was just a place to hang at. They also call it an underage club, but drugs and alcohol are readily available at will.
Drug dealers in their flashy suits could be spotted everywhere, underneath the deceiving light of the disco lights. People who look so beautiful during the day, all look the same underneath the flickering strobes and black lights -- worn down and tired with life. Throngs of people half-heartedly danced, or sit at tables sculling down alcohol. Cigarette smoke was constantly in the air, while powders lay spilled on the floor.
I ran into one of the flashy dealers.
"Cheapest disco cookies here, the best smack," he lured.
"How much?" I said, as my hat kept my hair swept up, and my eyes covered.
"Each lolly costs ten and for every ten gram of smack, that's twenty." He opened up his palm to reveal some different coloured tablets.
Out of my pocket came a ten-dollar note, as I took a tablet. Swallowing the tablet dry, the dealer walked away, slipping the money into one pocket, and the remaining tablets into another.
I don't really remember a lot. Usually I meet up with this guy, who sells me smack cheap, and I'll smoke that, or shoot up. I didn't tonight, for I couldn't find the guy. My eyes were rolling back into my head, and I would stumble, for I couldn't see. My world was dizzy, as sweat poured from me.
The spinning turned to black, as the floor came rushing towards me. Then, someone carried me outside, to the city smoke, but still fresher air.
"Wake up dude! Oh shit, he's still fuckin' out of it. Call someone! No way!" Those voices echoed around me. Finally, the salty taste of some sports drink was poured into my mouth. Choking a little, I sat up, leaning on my elbows, spitting out the drink. "Thank God you're awake," said a female voice. The male voice said, "Yeah, we thought we were gonna lose ya'."
The girl wore knee-high boots, with thick chunky soles and huge heels. Her black skirt looked hitched up, while her top resembled something like a bikini, a beach outfit or something. The guy wore jeans that were torn at the knees, with the belt buckle undone. His electric blue shirt was undone, and he wore a ratty pair of sneakers.
"Thanks," I said, beginning to stand up. I could now take a good look at the pair. They looked no older than I was.
"Sit back down," ordered the girl, pushing my shoulders down. She had a very strong LA accent. "Whatcha' have?"
"Just one E," I said, still feeling light headed. I sat up, pulling my hat back down over my eyes, almost to a point where I couldn't see. "Thanks."
The guy extended his hand. "Anthony. And this is my girl Donna."
"Jordan," I said, shaking Anthony's hand. It wasn't a total lie, because Jordan was my first name.
"Do ya' need a lift anywhere?" asked Anthony. He flashed me a plastic card. "Fake ID's, my bro's car... being fifteen bites," Anthony grinned, while Donna wrapped her arms around his waist. We still continued to sit on the grassy nature strip.
"Only fifteen myself. Plates come on the fourteenth," I said. Donna looked relieved. "Yeah, a lift would be cool."
"You feeling better?" asked Donna. I nodded. "You're probably feeling better than I am." She chuckled. "Ohhh, I went to that darn Hanson in-store yesterday. I'm still feeling those screams."
"You into them much?" I asked, finding my shoe utterly fascinating.
"'MMMBop' drives me up the wall. They really need to get another song. But the 'Weird', 'With You in Your Dreams' do is okay."
"She thinks they're shit hot," grinned Anthony, squeezing Donna tight.
"I'm not some teeny though. And those tight pants don't do much for them either." Donna shook her head. "What about you?"
"I was at the mall when they were there," I said. "Those tight pants aren't good from a guy's point of view."
"Right with ya' dude," said Anthony. I was just pleased they hadn't caught onto who I was.
After talking on the grass for a little while longer, I felt well enough to go home. We piled into the battered car, with Donna in the backseat with me, Anthony at the wheel.
"Drinks?" asked Donna, pulling a bottle out of a brown paper bag. "We weren't gonna go to the club."
"Lucky we did," said Anthony. Donna popped the lid on three beer bottles, handing Anthony and I one each. "Thanks babe," said Anthony. I nodded.
I sculled a good quarter of the bottle, not tasting it. "Left here."
"This is near where those Hanson guys live Donna," chortled Anthony, accepting Donna's hand from the backseat.
"Yeah," I said weakly, sculling another half of the bottle. I debated whether to have Anthony dump me outside the rental house, or a couple of blocks away.
Donna looked at me.
"Take off your hat." She said it all of a sudden, and it didn't leave me much time to think of an excuse.
"Hat hair," I said, pulling it over my eyes again. I took another long drink from the bottle.
"Oh, come on!" Keeping Anthony's hand in one of hers, she used to other to snatch my hat. My blonde hair tumbled out, and my eyes were exposed. "Oh," she squeaked. Anthony turned to face me. I sculled the rest of my beer.
"Dude," said Anthony, speechless. He just stared, like Donna. I looked out the front window.
"Oh fuckin' hell man, you're about to fuckin' crash!" I cried, seeing a tree trunk coming speeding towards us. Anthony's attention was suddenly diverted, as he swerved the car, it spinning out of control. Donna's scream pierced the air, almost matching the squealing of the tyres. It hit a swing that was tied to the tree, cracking some of the windscreen, as the car suddenly halted dead stop in the middle of the road.
Now we were all speechless yet again.
And in those uncomfortable few moments, I looked back at the tree; that almost could've ended us. And the realisation hit me.
That was Mackie's swing. That was my baby brother's swing. We'd almost pranged right out the front of my place.
"Uh, this is my stop," I said, taking my hat from Donna, putting on my head. Before I was about to leave the car, I faced the stunned couple. "I need to talk to you guys."
"ARE YOU PEOPLE ALRIGHT???" came a voice from inside the house. Looking up, I saw my mother, wearing some sort of ugly nightwear.
"Oh shit, just follow me guys." We piled out of the car, and Anthony and Donna followed my lead.
Donna wasn't running very fast in her heels, and when she collapsed onto another grassy nature strip, Anthony and I took her idea, falling next to her.
"And you were saying?" asked a still shocked Anthony, Donna curling up in his lap.
"I am Taylor Hanson." I rolled my eyes. "But I need you to do me a favour. I need you pretend like you don't know me. I hate my job. I HATE the words "Taylor Hanson, teeny-pop heart throb." Life in general sucks ass for me right now. All I want from you guys, if you want to, is to just be friends. If you want." Donna nodded.
"Dude, I'm sorry about before," apologised Anthony.
"That's okay." Donna shook like a leaf, as Anthony's fingers combed through her hair. "But yeah, you know a guy called Jordan, who, I dunno, ya' met at a club."
"Do you prefer Taylor or Jordan?" asked Donna quietly.
"Taylor," I admitted. I looked at my watch. "I hate to break this up, but I better go. Phone numbers or anything?" Anthony motioned to Donna that she stand up. I stood up with them.
"We've got to get back to the car, which is outside your place by the sounds of it. There might be something to write with in there."
The walk back to the car was silent. There were no uncomfortable karmas, we were just so tired, and were thinking to ourselves.
Arriving at the car, Anthony searched until he found a cardboard box of some description, and a permanent texta was in my pockets.
"Can I just ring you?" I asked, as he was about to hand me the things. Anthony nodded, tearing of the lid of the small box, tossing it back into the car. Scrawling down some letters and numbers, he handed me the card.
"Call us dude." That's all he said, before he climbed back into the car. Donna came up to me.
"That's twice in one night that Death has tried to lure you," she said softly. "Be careful."
Be careful, be careful, be careful... her words swirled in my mind as I walked quiet as a mouse back in my bedroom window...
...The icy breeze kept my hair out of my face, but froze my bare legs and bare arms, for I now was stripped down to my boxers and T-shirt.
I kept replaying the events of tonight on repeat in my mind, it all slapping me in the face.
Anthony and Donna saved my life.
They took note that I had passed out from the designer drug, they took the time to drag me outside, take me home, and befriend me.
I showed not gratitude whatsoever. I flopped back on the porch swing, goosebumps appearing on my arms.
More fear whirled about in my mind, as the world turned itself upside down, tipping its confusion and fright onto me.
I almost died tonight. Twice.

* * * * *

Chapter Six -- Slip of the Tongue

The ear piercing ringing of the phone awoke me from my light doze. I was so tired, yet couldn't fall asleep, for there was images of last night, and other nights similar, invading my slumber.
My "sleep" being uncomfortable anyway, I arose from my bed, ambling down to the kitchen where the phone lay.
"'Lo?" I said, my voice nothing more than a croak.
"Uh, this is Lindy, is Zachary there please?" said a shy voice on the other end of the phone.
"Just wait," I said, setting the phone down. I walked past the sliding door in the kitchen to see Zac lazily kicking a soccer ball around the yard.
I opened the door.
"Zac," I croaked. "Phone."
"Man, what happened to you?" asked Zac, abandoning his soccer ball. He wore black tracksuit pants, and a 'South Park' T-shirt that said "The Many Deaths of Kenny", with about six different pictures of the orange hooded cartoon dying. Needless to say, it did nothing for my mood.
"It's Lindy on the phone," I said, avoiding his question. Zac walked past me in pursuit of the phone, the word "Lindy" put a smile on his face and a spring in his step.
I walked outside, the air still cool and crisp like last night.
My hangover was worse than all of my aches and pains in my life put together, although that's how I always feel when I go out like that. I buried my head in my hands, the events of last night continuing to haunt me. It all used to be so simple...
...We were going to one of those showbiz parties, minus the parentals. With Baby Zoë demanding attention, plus the other three younger children, Jessica, Avery and Mackenzie needing a night to themselves, Ike, Zac and I decided to attend the party ourselves.
Along the red carpet we walked, smiling as bright as the camera flashes blinding us. Screams of "I LOVE YOU HANSON!!!" echoed throughout the crowd, as we mingled our way into the venue.
It neared Christmas, the joyful holiday was only twenty-three days and counting, then as soon as the holiday was to finish, we would be renting a house in LA to record a new album. Our holiday was one week at home, for we had been travelling abroad. Holly and ribbons adorned New York City, while Christmas music blared through a PA system.
Into the dimmed room, waiters and waitresses walked briskly from one end of the room to the other, carrying huge dishes of snacks and appetisers. Immediately we lost Zac, who loved to run a mock at these parties, keeping up his reputation. Ike stayed with me, as we attempted to talk to people we knew, while watching Zac throw popcorn at LeAnne Rhymes.
After an hour, Ike said sayonara, as he spotted a nice looking girl all alone in the corner. He loves a happy ending, and to make that girl's night was high on his list.
Continuing to make small talk with the people around me, a girl, who looked drunk out of her mind, stumbled out to me.
"Pot?" she slurred, opening her hands to reveal some marijuana rolled in paper.
"No thanks," I said.
"Awww, c'mon, look at how much fun I'M having!" True, she did look at ease.
"Fine," I said, taking a joint. Call it peer pressure, I call it trying something new.
"First one's on me," she smiled, as I put it to my lips. Fiddling with a plastic lighter, she lit the end of the cigarette. Sucking the joint, I took it away from my lips, coughing and spluttering. "You'll get the hang of it."
And she promptly walked away.
Well, I did smoke the rest of it. I might not have enjoyed it a lot, but I felt it separated me from my family, just a little bit. It made me feel independent, not just part of some exclusive band, but a part of the real world.
I felt light-headed, and I laughed at almost everything. And when it came time to leave the party, I'd downed enough alcohol also to classify me as "drunk out of my mind".
Isaac and Zac felt like leaving, and dragged me from the venue, thanking God I hadn't caused too much of a scene, and that the press hadn't found out...
...I tried so hard to be just slightly different from my family, it turned into more than I wanted. I'm not happy, just stuck in a hole that's too big for me to climb out of, and that's getting bigger as everyday passes.

* * * * *

"Mum took one look at Taylor this morning and decided that we're not going into the studio today. Plus she still freaked out. Some teens pranged their car on our lawn yesterday," explained Zac.
"Really?" asked Lindy.
"Yeah, they almost hit a tree. Mum ran out there to see if they were okay, and they just bolted from the car. But the car was gone this morning."
"Yeah, well, I should be at school, but I'm sick." Lindy felt guilty, as she admitted to playing hooky, despite not actually being well enough to attend. "I don't usually do it, but my asthma's flared up again."
"You're okay though?" asked Zachary.
"I just have to suck on my puffer when I need it. It's the call from the school to my mother's mobile I'm worried about." Lindy coughed.
"Not being a part of the public school system, you might want to… elaborate." Zachary grinned to himself, thinking to himself how he proved his mother wrong… he DID learn his spelling words!!!
Lindy sighed.
"Mum's never really home during the day, so she doesn't know whether I get to school or not. She thinks I'm at school right now. But I'm not, so the school's going to ring her, "why wasn't Lindy at school today?" and I'm going to get it when she gets home." More coughs escaped Lindy, as she pulled her blanket she'd dragged from her bedroom over herself, hiding beneath the covers.
Zachary knew, just by her coughs, that she was clearly not well enough to go to school.
"Well, I know you're not well enough to go to school," said Zachary. He put on a silly voice. "I order you to stay in bed Miss!" Lindy laughed.
"Yes doctor," she said, acting bored, before bursting into giggles again. This turned into coughing, so that was short lived.
"Sorry about that," said Zachary.
"No problemo," assured Lindy. "So what's up with Tay?"
"Dunno. He looked like death run over when he called for me. His eyes were bloodshot, and his voice was croaky. It looked as if he'd had no sleep at all. Almost as if he'd been raised from the dead."
"Wow," muttered Lindy.
"Yeah, well I don't know what it is. Mum probably will."
"Mothers are usually experts in stuff like that. I don't get it. I know when I've got asthma and a cold, and that's about it. But Mum knows the details, when she's home."
"Ditto," agreed Zachary.
Lindy was not looking forward to a day of soap operas and cheesy daytime chat shows, even though school wasn't an option. The weather had taken a cool change, too cool for spring, and that would do nothing for her asthma.
"Hey Lindy, asthma's not catchy, is it?" asked Zachary.
"Nope."
"Well, do you want to come out to our place or something? Hey, you can help me with MY homework!" He put his silly voice on again. "There's no way you're getting out of school work Miss!"
Lindy considered this. It mightn't be a bad idea.
"So I'd come out to your place, and help you with your schooling and stuff?"
"Well, have you got any work from school to do? I've heard that you would get like, HEAPS of homework." Lindy peaked out from underneath her blanket, looking at the pile of stacked folders near the entertainment unit. "And my Mum would look after you. She could call your Mum, and the school, explain everything."
Lindy liked this idea.
"Sounds fine," she agreed. She smiled to herself. Maybe the day wouldn't be so boring after all.

* * * * *

Mum and Zac went out to Pasadena to get Lindy, who was away from school with asthma.
I sat at the kitchen table, with my head in my hands, avoiding Isaac who sat across from me.
"Tay?" Ike finally said.
"Fuck off," was my only muffled answer. I heard Ike's chair squeak, and his footsteps come closer to where I was sitting. I heard him take a seat next to me.
"Taylor," sighed Ike. I looked up at Ike. His curls framed his face, and his eyes were warm like melted chocolate with care. "What's up?" he asked softly, sounding deeply concerned.
"Not my mood," I replied. I was wearing a worn flannelette shirt that was dark red in colour, over the top of my bedclothes. I shivered with cold, my bare legs and feet crawling with the sensation of pins and needles. I wished to be back in my bed, but that wouldn't be worth it. My sheets and covers would now be cold with morning.
"Ah yeah," nodded Ike. "Any reason why, or is it just a case of you woke up on the wrong side of the bed?" He was almost acting disinterested, but his eyes gave away his concern.
I just looked up at Ike, not quite sure what to say. No one had questioned me like that before. No one had asked me "How are you?" and had been concerned, really. They just wanted to get down to the nitty-gritties -- my favourite colour.
I debated within my mind how to answer his question. Hypothetical seemed a good road to take.
"Remember how the teens almost crashed their car on our lawn last night?" I asked. Ike nodded, pushing some of his hair behind his ear. It was a comforting sight, Ike "not perfect". His hair was curly and frizzled, his face wore the odd blemish, and his clothes were daggy and old. "I know the people." Ike's eyes widened. "They rung this morning," I lied.
"Are they okay?"
"It's just shock," I said, looking away behind me. Mackie's swing sat suspended like when you pause a VCR. Violently it swung last night though. "It had been a hard night, and just that last shock caused Anthony to lose control of the car." Yet again, the memory flooded back to me. I could almost taste the bitter taste of the beer, and the sickening feeling of the ecstasy tablet. "Be careful," I said underneath my breath. "That's what she said, Donna, the other girl. I'm trying, it's so hard." My mind was a mess and my thoughts were unclear.
"Taylor." Isaac's voice was reaching panicking point.
"Huh?" I said, snapping back to reality.
"Mum said there was three teenagers, you've only spoken of two. Who was the third?"
"His name's Taylor," I said slowly. "Just like me. He has blonde hair, and blue eyes, and likes to sing and write. He has three brothers, and three sisters, but doesn't live in LA, actually, he hates it." Before I could realise what I was saying, the truth came pouring out of my mouth.
"Ike… I was the third passenger in the car accident last night."

* * * * *

Chapter Seven -- You Act So Speechless

"Everything's gonna be all right, rock-a-bye, rock-a-bye…" sung the radio. Diana had insisted on turning the ballad up.
Zachary and Diana were driving out to Pasadena to pick up Lindy. The car ride had been silent, minus some small talk about the "almost" prang the night before.
"There was two girls and a guy I think. They'd probably had been drinking, peer pressure ruins teenagers these days." Diana turned to look at Zachary. "I'm so glad my children haven't fallen into that."
That's because we don't hang around our friends to be pressured, Zachary thought to himself.
There was silence after that, as Diana concentrated on the road, and Zachary sank into his own self-pity.

* * * * *

Ike's face read pure shock, as I confessed about the car crash.
"No you weren't," said Isaac, just staring at me. "You were sleeping."
"So were you," I reminded. "You weren't awake to see me sleeping."
"But…" Isaac was speechless, unable to think of anything to say. "How? How did it happen?"
I didn't know whether I should tell Isaac or not. It wasn't as if it was any of his business, and there was a chance he might tell someone a little part of a much larger story.
"You promise not to tell anyone?" I asked sternly. Ike nodded, as if I had brainwashed him. "Snap out of it." That reassuring caring look in his eyes returned. "I went out last night." Tell him about the ecstasy tablet? My breathing quickened, as I sort of panicked about what to say. "I took one E, just one, and I passed out." Isaac's jaw hit the ground, I swear. "These two people, Anthony and Donna, dragged me outside, and helped me. They drove me home, and we had some drinks, and Anthony lost control of the car. I saw Mum come out, and we just bolted." By this time, I was shaking, and my world was a little blurred.
Zachary always knew a little bit, like he was always there when I woke up from my dreams, and although it might seem he's very hyperactive, he can be rather sensitive. Isaac never knew anything. He always pretended everything was okay. It was probably for that reason we fought over things we disagreed on, instead of just letting it go.
But now Isaac knew a little bit more, more than Zac. And who knew what would happen next. I continued to talk, for I had lost control of my tongue again.
Opening up to Isaac was always easy. He liked listening, so he could hopefully help out, leading up to his favourite happy ending. I had forgotten how easy it was.
"Donna said to me, that's twice in one night death had tried to lure me, and that I had to be careful." I sniffed.
"Shhh," said Isaac, still speechless. Maybe he was expecting a broken heart, or homesickness, or just a sad mood.
Shifting his chair closer to mine, he placed his hand on my shoulder. I fell into these opened comforting arms, sniffling quietly.
I don't know if I felt any better telling Isaac about last night. He still didn't know about all those other nights that I stumbled around, out of it, high, and drunk.
I guess it did feel better to cry like this though. It wasn't something I did easily. Oh sure, when I was younger, it was always me who might cry, but I was three. I was now fifteen, due to turn sixteen in a week, although a tear might occasionally slip.
I could tell it was different for Isaac too. Unsurely he said all the greeting card sayings, stuttering as he said them.
"C'mon Tay, cheer up…"

* * * * *

Lindy followed Zachary into the large house, clutching her puffer in one hand. Her clothes were like the ones you wear around the house, when you know you don't have to go out. Jeans, T-shirt, and a jacket, it was nice and simple.
Zachary walked beside her, while Diana was in front. She unlocked the door to the house, and was greeted by Mackenzie.
"Tay-ie's, crying," he said to Diana, grabbing her hand. Lindy and Zachary looked at each other in surprise.
Diana followed Mackenzie into the kitchen, where a quietly sniffling Taylor sat wrapped in Isaac's arms.
Lindy and Zachary followed, and soon saw Taylor for themselves. Although Taylor didn't register their presence, Isaac did. He waved weakly, trying not to disturb his brother, while trying to think of a reason for Taylor's crying.
Lindy and Zachary backed out of the room, making their way into the living room. Zachary was almost in shock, because it seemed to him that Taylor never cried. Oh sure, Zachary vaguely remembered Taylor crying when he injured himself when they were younger, but those loud wails of pain were nowhere near as heartbreaking as those emotional little sobs.
The pair took a seat on the couch. Lindy sat at one end, Zachary at the other.
Lindy wasn't quite sure what to say and do, as she opened up her English folder. Unhooking her pen from one of the books within the folder, she took out her journal book, and opened it to a clean, fresh page. She dated the top, and put in a heading. Then she turned to Zachary.
"I've got to do an interview for my journal," started Lindy. "I was going to interview Vicky, but she's not here, and this is due in tomorrow. Would you like to do it?"
"You were insane enough to go to that in-store, I figured you already knew everything," shrugged Zachary, letting Taylor slip his mind for now.
"No. That's Zachary Hanson, pop star. You're Zachary Hanson, Lindy's new friend," explained Lindy. "And you said you'd help!" she also laughed.
"True," remembered Zachary. He put on a silly voice. "Fire away!"
"Okay, well, the first question is, what's the first thing you think of when I say pink and purple spotted elephants?"

* * * * *

Although it felt good for someone else to know what I knew, for I could talk to him about it, it was also a discomfort, for they might spill my secret.
However, my elder brother's arms around me were five minutes or maybe a little bit more, of reassurance and comfort.
I heard someone come home, the lock clicking open. But by now I was so drowsy, though not able to sleep, I barely took any notice.
"Tay-ie," came another soft and soothing voice. Another chair was pulled up, and I looked from Isaac's warm embrace to see Mum. My mind still refused to function clearly, so I heard and realised what I was saying at the same time everybody else did.
"Mummy?" I said in a voice barely about a whisper, for my voice box allowed no louder.
"Tay-ie," she repeated, speechless much like Isaac was. She pushed some of my blonde hair behind my ear, her face expressing so much concern. "What's wrong?"
I didn't answer her, as I covered my fist with my shirt, swiping at my eyes. Isaac spoke in my place.
"Tay knows the people in the car accident last night, and they rang this morning. One of them has been affected really badly," explained Isaac.
"Are they okay?" asked Mom. I nodded.
"But one of them is a bit freaked, he'd had a rough night," I added.
Mum was still unsure about what to say, so she cut straight to the practical mother act.
"Lindy's here now, so you might want to change your clothes," she suggested.
I left the kitchen, retreating to my bedroom.

* * * * *

Zachary had been interviewed by many people before, but it was nowhere near as much fun as being interviewed by Lindy. That's because Lindy was a friend.
"And the last question -- say something nice about the interviewer!" laughed Lindy.
"What?" laughed Zachary, pretending to be outraged. They had also changed position on the couch. Both had swung their legs up, so both of their bare feet met in the middle.
"Say something nice about the interviewer," repeated Lindy, smiling so hard.
"Um…" Zachary pretended to think really hard, so Lindy playfully kicked him. "Ouch!" he laughed.
"Seriously," said Lindy, twirling her pen in her fingers.
"Okay," said Zachary. There were so many nice things he could say about Lindy! "Well, Lindy's funny, honest, inventive, after hearing that lot of questions! Pretty-" Zachary had only just mumbled that last word, but it was obviously loud enough for Lindy to hear.
"You think I'm pretty?" blushed Lindy.
"Maybe," mumbled Zachary, forcing back a smile. Everybody always thought Taylor was one with the girls, that he was the flirt. No way! It was Zachary that charmed the ladies, anyone for that matter!
"Oh, like THAT's an answer!" said Lindy, quickly jotting down the last of her notes.
"I'm a man, I don't express emotions," said Zachary in a "macho" kind of voice.
"You're in denial. You think I'm pretty," giggled Lindy, tossing her journal to the floor. Yet again, her giggling turned to coughing, so she took two puffs from her inhaler, which would keep her set for another four hours.
"So?" said Zachary, smiling as he gave Lindy's foot a push with his own.
"Thank you," said Lindy. Zachary sat up on the couch, leaning over to Lindy. Gently he pressed his lips to hers.
Lindy graciously accepted this kiss, cautiously bringing her hands to his shoulders. Zachary placed his hands either side of the armrest she lent against, shifting so he was more comfortable, kissing her again.
The kissing continued with each kiss naive and a totally new experience for Zachary and Lindy. They were both were enjoying it so much though that neither wanted to question the unsureness of what they were doing.

* * * * *

I was going to watch TV in the living room, only to be stopped by a sight that I was totally not expecting.
Zac and Lindy kissing. Zac kissing a girl. (Not that he would kiss a guy.) Zac kissing. It was just a totally new concept for me, though I should have seen it coming really I guess.
It was clear they didn't have a clue what they were doing, yet still enjoying it. I'm not a pervert, but it was just so palpable to anyone who might see them. I guess all in all it was sweet.
Politely and quietly shutting the French door to the living room, I walked outside, leaving the two alone.

* * * * *

Chapter Eight -- One Thing Led to Another

"Whoa," breathed Zachary, after he and Lindy came up for air. Lindy went into a coughing fit.
"I-" cough "agree," cough cough.
Zachary smiled, lifting himself from Lindy.
"Maybe that kiss wasn't such a good idea with your asthma."

* * * * *

It was drizzling down with a spring shower, as I walked out of the house. I doubt it was the shock of seeing Zac making out with Lindy that made me leave, but some quiet time, and I admit, a cigarette, was called for.
I just walked, with no particular destination in mind. My baggy jeans dragged along the ground, covering my worn high-top sneakers. My red jacket was done up over my white T-shirt, for the weather wasn't cold nor hot. I could feel the little bits of water falling, they looked like little specks, and they were barely visible.
I didn't look up from the ground, my hat making sure no one could tell who I was.
Maybe it might not have been a good idea though, not looking up from the ground.
"Oh, you dickhead, look where you're fuckin' goin'!"

* * * * *

Hey Ike!
We all got your letter, but Fiona was pretending to be cut coz you didn't send her anything personally! She says hi, and although she's in denial, she misses you like crazy.
LA smells worse than Rich's mom's ciggies? Wow, that bad huh? You pretty much loved it last time you were living there, but we know that Tulsa is THE best place on Earth. (Only coz we live here!)
Speaking of Rich, sorta, it was his nineteenth birthday a couple of days ago, as you know. Finally he got a paintball gun! He was a bit upset that you lot weren't here, but understands. He's so hyped about the new album, like all of us! And he's got a title suggestion too -- "Rich Rocks".
Zackie's met a girl??? You're joking, aren't you???
Tell Tay to get well, or cheer up, or something. Hey, don't tell, but we're thinking about flying up, so we'll try and get Daniel, Robert, Shane and Keavy to come up, or at least one of them. And what the heck, David and Billy for Zackie! And we'll get a petition going, no probs! We need you guys back here! (You brought us the chicks!)
Good luck on the album, and we hope to see you soon,

Check ya',
Bryan.

Isaac read the letter over and over a million times. Just the thought of his friends flying up cheered him up, especially after that morning's incident. Maybe this time there would be a happy ending.

* * * * *

I looked up from underneath the brim of my hat.
"Donna?" I said, lifting the brim of my hat up slightly.
"Taylor," sighed Donna with relief. "I'm sorry about the outburst before too," also apologised. I gave a swish with my hand, as if to say "Who cares?"
"So what's up?" I asked casually.
"Anthony's gone." She said it so suddenly.
"What do you mean?" I asked, as I began to follow her while she walked.
"He fuckin' dumped me!" Her voice was wavering, despite her attempts to make it sound strong. "That prick, after all we've been through, decided that that bitch, Cindy Crawford look-a-like was better than me!"
I might just put in here that Donna is rather attractive, or could be at least. Last night, she had quite a slutty, tarty deal going on, but today, she looked like a grungie girl, with her baggy jeans, tattered sneakers, old T-shirt and torn flannelette shirt. She didn't realise the in between.
"I wouldn't worry," I said. "If he's that low, fuck him, he can go to hell."
"Thanks Taylor," said Donna softly. I shrugged. "So where ya' headed?"
"Away from home. Made a dick of myself in front of the family this morning, dammit, and I needed a smoke, so decided to find somewhere I could go without any lurking journos," I explained.
What I say, and what I might really think, can sometimes be two different things. I didn't mind crying in front of Isaac, or Mom. I just didn't want to sound to sissy to Donna.
"Follow me," said Donna. She grabbed my hand, and led me through the crazy place, AKA Los Angelies.
Finally, we started to come across some alleyways. She led me down one of them.
"Trust me, no swab journo would be caught dead here," she assured. "And no one gives a damn who you are either."
As we walked, I pulled the cigarette out of my pocket.
"Do you mind?"
"Just so long as you let me have a drag." Lighting the smoke, I took a drag myself, before handing it to Donna. She inhaled deeply, before blowing the tobacco smoke into the air. She handed me back the smoke.
Walking along, finally we came across an apartment. Clicking a key in the door, Donna pushed the door open.
"Home. I was out before to get out of the folks way, can't stand the pair." Donna put on a face. "They want a Brady Bunch family, well, fuck 'em, they're not getting one. I am who I am, screw what they think."
"You're lucky, I get compared to the Partridge Family." Donna poked her tongue out, as I took another drag from the smoke.
"Take a seat," said Donna, as I flopped on the couch. She went and got some cans of beer from the fridge.
Her house was homely I guess you could say. Bits and bobs were everywhere. But it still had this smell about it, one that I was used to by now.
Donna and I passed more than one cigarette back and forth between each other, while downing quite a bit of alcohol, laughing and talking about different things.
"I remember, the first time Anthony and I did it, we'd got back from some club, and we went back to his bro's place. Anthony had no fuckin' idea what he was doing, right? So here he is, screwing around with a condom, when he should be doing that with me. And of course, he's piss drunk, so he's babbling shit. But it was good though." Donna laughed. "Was good. WAS! So who was your first time?"
"Couldn't tell ya'."
"That pissed?"
"Haven't done it."
"Really? A big pop star like you? You could take any fourteen year old girl to bed though!" cried Donna, handing me a can of beer.
"Haha, kiss and tell Donna! Life's a bitch when it comes to stuff like that," I moaned.
"That must bite."
"You betcha'. Taylor Hanson, doomed to be a virgin his whole life due to fear of gossiping girls," I said, pretending to quote what a magazine might say.
"Ever wondered what it's like?"
"Hell yeah," I grinned. "Hormones, they run a mock."
"You're telling me! I put up with Anthony!"
"So why was his belt buckle undone last night?" Donna grinned.
"Hormones." We both started laughing.
I looked at Donna. She was attractive. I could use a tacky cliché, she was an angel in disguise, but that's not quite what I'm getting at. I could imagine kissing and doing all kinds of things to her. But I couldn't imagine saying I Love you.
"Done it with anyone else?" I asked.
"Maybe," she grinned. I rolled my eyes.
"C'mon, you started this conversation!" She started to bang her head on my shoulder.
"Do'h! Do'h! Do'h!" It was when she looked up from doing that, things started to change.
I looked into her green eyes. She moved first, pressing her lips cautiously against mine. Looks as if she'd felt it too. Darn hormones.
I continued, pressing my lips harder to hers. Accepting graciously, she slid up on the couch, moving closer towards me.
I clutched her head in my hands, savouring the taste of each lustful, passionate kiss. Call that adult, I call it spur of the moment -- it can happen to anyone.
Leaning over her, she lent back onto the couch, sliding herself right underneath me. My hands moved from her head, down her body. Her hands slid each one of my buttons out of their holes on my jacket, eventually throwing the article of clothing to the floor.
I repeated the process on her, as well as sliding her T-shirt over her head to find nothing beneath it.
"Taylor," she moaned loudly. "Ohhh." Her hands fumbled with the fly on my jeans, as I took of my pants.
(I try to remember this as well as I can, but it was so blurry. Doi, I loved it, but being under the influence of alcohol, the memory of it wasn't the strongest of memories I've got.)
"You want to find out what it's like?" breathed Donna, as she guided my hands her jeans, a sign she wanted them taken off.
"Always wanted to know," I said. We giggled like school children, as she slid out of the jeans.
"Have you got anything?" she breathed, as my boxers and her panties floated to the floor.
"Nope."
"Hell, fuck it, it's your first time, I'm clear, we'll be fine."

* * * * *

"Where's Taylor?" asked Diana, opening the French doors and walking into the living room where Lindy and Zachary sat at either end of the couch, bare feet against bare feet.
"No idea," said Zachary apologetically. Diana nodded, leaving the room, with the French doors open.
Lindy looked at Zachary.
"How often does that happen, y'know, Taylor just disappears?" asked Lindy, after seeing Zachary's concerned face. She remembered reading it in Zachary's journal.
"Y'know, every now and then," nodded Zachary, pretending to be disinterested. "He comes back home, and you know he's been out somewhere. Sometimes he smells different, not that I sniff my brothers out to great lengths or anything. And some mornings he just wakes up trashed, but it's almost a mysterious thing. It's kinda obvious he sneaks out though. And Taylor just doesn't talk to anyone." He gave Lindy's foot a kick affectionately. "But hopefully it'll turn into Isaac's favourite happy ending."

* * * * *

I slowly woke up. Instantly I knew something was different. The room wasn't very familiar, the dull ache inside me was a new sensation, and a naked body next to mine wasn't something I was expecting.
"Taylor?" said a voice I recognised as Donna's.
The realisation of what just happened in the last forty-five minutes hit at the same time, as we just stared at each other through our messy long hair.
"Oh shit."

* * * * *

Chapter Nine -- Dear Fiona

Dear Fiona,
Sorry for not writing for so long! I thought I better write to everyone first.
Everything is sucking big time here. There's something serious wrong with Taylor. This morning he was crying, after admitting he'd been involved in a car accident the night before. But please keep that hush hush, I think there's more to it.
I said in my letter to Bryan that Zac has got a "girlfriend". Her name's Lindy, and she used to live in Oklahoma City actually. She and Zac are so, I suppose, sweet…

* * * * *

"Isaac! Lindy's mother wants us to take her home!" called Diana. Isaac walked into the living room just as Diana said, "Can you take her home?" Diana clutched the remote to the TV in her hand, and a photo album lay on her lap. Isaac nodded.
"Sure thing." Isaac pulled his keys from his pocket, twirling them about his fingers, as he yelled out "Lindy!"
"She and Zac are out on the decking," called Jessica.
"Thanks J," said Isaac, walking past Jessica, who sat at the kitchen table weaving a friendship bracelet.
Isaac opened the door to see a sight he wasn't expecting from Zachary -- he and Lindy kissing.
Being the "teen pop-stars" they were, the media and the public had given each brother an image, or a "tag". Isaac was the romantic, who would jump at the chance of marriage. Taylor was the shy one, who had all the girls chase after him, despite not liking the spotlight. Then there was the little Zachary, the hyperactive one, who thought girls were the "sticky white stuff" inside of Twinkies, and didn't want or care about a girlfriend.
But each brother was so much more than his given "tag". Isaac wasn't always rings and flowers, and he never thought of marriage, for when he did, the image of beefy bodyguards standing by a church with all the windows and doors shut came to mind. Everyone knew that Taylor wasn't shy, just modest. After all, it was he that had that sexy pout in photographs and bounced about on stage, no wonder the girls fell for him. Taylor used to be like that anyway.
And now it was Zachary's turn to prove things wrong.
His lips and her lips were gently pressed together. Lindy leant on the decking fence with one hand while the other hung down her side. Zachary's hands looked as if they had a mind of their own. He obviously didn't know what to do with them! Isaac hated the idea of breaking them apart.
"Lindy," said Isaac softly. The couple broke apart, with Lindy coughing again, and Zachary's never red face rather flushed. "Hometime." Isaac smiled. "Both of you get in the car."
As they walked in the door Lindy first, Isaac whispered in Zachary's ear,
"Lucky her eyes were shut so she couldn't see that you didn't have a clue." Isaac ended his sentence with a chuckle.
"So you tell me what to do," suggested Zachary.
"You'll figure it out." …

* * * * *

…The new album is taking forever! We've written heaps of songs, and recorded six, but out of those six, only three we think will make it to the album. Taylor's written some songs, but they are so different to what we usually write. I've just been agreeing with the producers and people, saying not for this album…

* * * * *

"Taylor, do it again," requested the sound engineer. I cleared my throat, and began to sing again.
"This isn't a summertime fling, no need for rushing things…"
With 'Middle of Nowhere', we recorded a lot of songs, then picked out the thirteen we have now. But with this album, we don't even have a title for it yet, we're having more trouble. We have people rushing about us saying "C'mon, more happy bubble gum pop!" Maybe not those exact words, but along the lines of that.
But our inspiration is coming from different places, therefore our songs are going to be different. Unfortunately for us, the puppets, we don't have a say, just so long as we make their money, everything's fine.
"Coz if we rush things, you'll want out, even thought I told you this would come about…"

* * * * *

…A little birdie told me that you might be flying up to LA? I need some news on that! …

* * * * *

Zachary lay awake in his bed. Strangely enough, Taylor wasn't in his bed, and gentle snoring could be heard from Isaac, which signalled his repose.
As much as Zachary enjoyed the fact he'd met a friend in LA, he still longed for his friends back home. While Lindy was teaching Zachary new things, his friends and himself went back a long way, for their age anyway. They'd had paintball fights and Laserquest matches together. Zachary's friends were always ones to give honest opinions on Hanson's songs and gave good advice about schooling and other things a pre-teen boy might worry about.
Zachary missed his friends so much. He missed the way the sun would shine in his eyes in the morning. He missed the way the TV in the family room would flicker a lot when Walker made Mackenzie a chocolate milkshake. He missed home and everything that went with it.
Burying himself underneath his covers, Zachary chewed a lock of his hair, much like he did when he was younger, as he tried to sleep…

* * * * *

Well, there's nothing more to say for now. Hope you can come up, or we can come home soon.
All my Love,
Issac.

* * * * *

Dear Isaac,
That's okay about not writing, it's not as if I made an effort myself.
Everyone here is still getting over the fact that little Zackie has got a girlfriend! That same Zackie that protested for hours on end that girls had cooties?
What do you mean something's wrong with Taylor? He was part of a car accident? Were any of you, or him hurt? Bryan mentioned something about that too. Please tell us more…

* * * * *

"Something's wrong," stated Richard suddenly, as Bryan read out the letter he received from Isaac.
"Tay'll be fine Rich," assured Bryan. Richard shook his head.
"I can feel it." Richard was telling the truth. His stomach tumbled about, and he felt sick, in a very dull sense.
"Rich, man, it'll be okay," Fiona said with a fake laugh. "You gotta remember, they lead a whole second life with that celebrity thing going down."
Fiona remembered that conversation, as she read her letter from Isaac. Taylor had been involved in a car accident? Thankfully, for Taylor's sake, she hadn't heard it before Isaac brought it up. Her worry for how Isaac and his family were going continued to grow...

* * * * *

...Patricia has moved out of home! So now, instead of sleeping at home for only two hours, she'll do that somewhere else. And I've got a room to myself, not that Patricia was ever in it. She said I could drop by whenever I needed an empty house. I'd leave home too, but there's nowhere for me to go just yet…

* * * * *

"So when are you leaving?" joked Fiona's mother Cathryn, as Patricia, Fiona's sister, ate her last family meal at home.
"There's no one for me to share with just yet," said Fiona, chewing on her food.
"What about Isaac?" asked Patricia.
"He's never here," snapped Fiona.
"Touchy."
Fiona missed Isaac so much. He was always on the road, he was never home for more than a week at a time, before rushing off again. Fiona was so happy for him and his brothers, this was exactly what they wanted. But at the same time, Fiona wanted things the way they "used to be", just for a little while.
She and Isaac would spend time together, both alone and with friends. They'd go to the movies, shop, take drives everywhere, everything you might do with your friends and boyfriend or girlfriend.
Then there would be those romantic nights together, where one would cook a delicious meal, they would dance to music that Isaac might have written especially for that night, then sometimes make love so sweet, there was nothing more perfect.
Fiona missed everything about Isaac, even the way he would throw stones at her window at five am in the morning, just so he could watch the sunrise with her, for he had woken up so early, unable to fall asleep again.
As Fiona picked at her food, she thought of nothing else but Isaac, wishing to see him again. It had been too too long…

* * * * *

…The new album's taking forever? Good luck with it, I'm sure it's just "songwriter's block" for now. One day you'll get this burst of inspiration, and to-dah! An album. Rich wants you to called it "Rich Rocks", but personally, I think "Fiona Rules the World" would be good, like that song "Alisha Rules the World", only with "Fiona" instead.
And of course, when I'M up there, you'll get heaps of inspiration! That's correct, me, Bryan, Rich, Keavy and David are able to come up for about a week or so in about two weeks time…

* * * * *

"This is cool guys," said Bryan to Richard and Fiona. "My cousin is able to get us five complementary to Los Angeles!"
"Kick-ass!" cried Richard.
"Totally! I figured, when it comes to Keavy, and David, Robert, Shane, Billy, and Daniel, it could be first in, best dressed," explained Bryan.
Fiona was ecstatic! Just what she wanted!
"We'll be flying up in two weeks, and staying one."
"Yes!"

* * * * *

Well, this time it's my turn to say goodbye… but I'll brush up on my cooking skills, when was the last time we had one of those "nights in"?
Love You Always Forever
Fiona

* * * * *

Chapter Ten -- The Party

"You, have to go now," stuttered Donna, as I launched for my clothes on the floor. "You have to leave now."
Donna and I dressed in silence, not looking at each other, and not talking to each other.
Just as I was to walk out the door, I turned and said to Donna,
"It wasn't that bad was it?" She came up to me, taking my sunglasses from my eyes, and lifting the brim of my hat.
"The best I've gotten before," she said. "I've got a party to go to tonight, and I was going to bring Anthony… do you want to come?"
"Where is it?" Donna ran from the doorway into the house, and I could hear her searching for something. Finally she came back up to me, handing me a slip of paper.
"Here." She paused for a moment. "Is there anyway of you getting us there?"
"I can drive," I said. "I don't have a license though."
"We can use my parent's car -- what's the chances of us getting caught?"

* * * * *

"You okay Tay-ie?" asked Mackie, as I picked at my food. My stomach churned, and just the idea of swallowing the obviously packet food wasn't one of the most pleasing thoughts.
"I'm fine," I said softly. That wasn't true.
I hated life. It might seem I'm the luckiest person in the world, with everything handed to me on a silver platter, but there's no challenge in that. I think they're just trying to make up for using us like puppets.
I've felt like that for awhile now. Each day comes along, dumps it's lows onto me, then turns into a black night, filled with nightmares so vivid they scare me senseless. All I wanted was out, out of this crazy thing called fame. I wanted to be a normal teenager, who had just as many problems scoring girls as the next guy, who had to save his money to buy that CD, and who had something to live for.
"You don't look it," said Jessica, playing mother like she did with her dolls.
"But I am!" I snapped. Jessii shot me a haughty glare, before muttering something beneath her breath. "Repeat that?"
"I said, it's clear that you're NOT fine! Obviously something's wrong, because you're always in a bad mood, you always REEK of cigarette smoke, and guess whose window faces the front garden? Mine. I know the people who were in the car crash."
"Just fuckin' leave me alone!" I snapped, leaving the table. I grabbed my jacket, and slammed the front door behind me, walking at a fast pace to Donna's house.

* * * * *

"J, that wasn't called for." The ten-year old stood up.
"I'm right," she said a little softer. "Taylor IS always in a bad mood, he always smells like smoke, and it was him that was in the car crash last night."
The table just stared at the girl.
"I'm worried about Taylor," she said. "Something serious is wrong. And something serious is going to happen because of it."

* * * * *

"Hey, you're early!" said Donna, throwing me some keys, and walking down the front porch steps.
"Fuckin' fight," I muttered, as Donna led me to the car. I jumped into the driver's side, slamming the keys into the ignition.
"Well, let's get movin' hey?" I started the car, backing out of the driveway. "This party isn't anything big, just some people that I know."
"That's cool," I said, as we cruised along the streets of the city. I knew where the house was, not too far away from Donna's, but too far to walk at the same time.
The drive didn't take long. Donna and I had the stereo blaring silverchair, probably waking all the children with seven o' clock curfews.
Pulling into the drive of the house, there was already several cars lined along the street. Donna and I stepped out of the car, as someone opened the door to the house.
"Donna, girl, you came! But where's Anthony?"
"You don't want to know the fuckin' prick," laughed Donna. "He thinks he's such top shit that I'm not good enough."
"The dickhead said that?" asked the guy, as Donna and I walked into the house.
"Something like that," nodded Donna. "This is T- Jordan. Jordan, this is Barry, or Baz," introduced Donna. (Instead of wearing sunglasses this time, I wore glasses with black frames and purple lenses. They were hopeless as sunglasses, and worked great as indoor glasses. Plus my hat.)
"Cool. Well, most of us are here, we were just going to watch a couple of flicks, but free range of the house." Baz winked. "Got some lollies and stuff to share as well," he grinned.
We followed Baz into what seemed like a living room. A slasher movie played on the television, while beer bottles and syringes lay spread across the floor. A free fix it seemed.
"Hey guys," said Donna, to the other teens in the room. There was about ten all up. "This is Jordan." I gave a slight wave with my hand.
"Where's my man Ant?" asked one of the girls.
"He's a fuckin' arsehole Jocie, stay away. If you're not some superstar bitch, forget it."
"Ouch," muttered Jocie. "He fuckin' dump ya'?"
"You better believe it."
"This'll calm ya'." Jocie walked up to us, with some rolled marijuana in her hand. "There's plenty more where that came from to, Baz here has scored himself a plant." Everyone in the room started to cheer, as Donna and I took a drag each. "There's coke, smack, and some E's too."
"Cool," I said.
I never considered myself "a junkie", or "a druggie", an addict if you wish. To me, this was only mere, experimentation. But at the same time, I got jittery if I didn't shoot up every now and then, and I always crave for tobacco. But I never thought I was addicted.
"Party on," said Baz.
Donna and I took a seat on an armchair. Donna sat in my lap, and while we watched the movies, she would subtly touch me, in between joints and bottles of beer, so not only did I crave the drugs, but I craved her also.
"Jordan, my man, do you want to shoot up?" asked someone. "I'm clear," he assured, handing me a syringe.
"I'll take care of that," said Donna, filling the syringe. She injected the fluid into my wrist, and suddenly my world was so calm, so beautiful, so relaxed. I kissed her, and as she handed me an ecstasy tablet, she whispered seductively, "Follow me."

* * * * *

"Where could he be???" said Diana, pacing up and down beside the phone.
"Diana, we don't know," said Walker, who was sitting down at the table.
"J's right," said Diana. "There's something wrong, but Tay-ie won't tell us." Diana stopped to sit on a chair. "Who knows what's going to happen to him." Diana's eyes went misty. "He used to be so happy. He used to think how cool it was when those girls went silly over him, but his feet were still on the ground." Diana's head fell into her hands. "I used to be able to hold him in my arms, he used to sit on my lap, he used to be my baby." Diana sniffed, while Walker continued to listen. "Now he's so far away, but there's no way out of it." She looked up at her husband. "Why haven't we spoken up about this. Why haven't we realised it?"
"Realised what honey?" asked Walker, wondering if his wife was thinking similar thoughts to himself.
"This is all too much. My boys, they aren't enjoying themselves any more. Why haven't we given them a holiday, why haven't we said something? Ohhh, I hope Tay-ie comes home. I so badly want to say sorry."

* * * * *

Donna pushed me onto the huge poster bed, my head on the pillow. She slid her body over mine, landing a kiss on my lips. I wasted no time in responding, feeling her warm hands underneath my shirt. My skin felt so cold, but I ignored it.
I slid my hands down her body, up underneath her skirt. She moaned loudly, "Taylor." My breathing was raced, but at the same time I was having difficulty breathing.
She slid my jacket off my shoulders, tossing it somewhere else in the room. I unclasped her snap buttons on her shirt, revealing a lacy bra. She licked my lips, slipping down the straps.
As she continued to undress herself and me, my head began to spin. My skin felt colder and colder, as I gulped and gasped for air.
"Donna," I breathed. "Stop." She sat up, crossing her arms over her naked chest.
"Taylor, what's wrong?" she asked.
"I don't know," I gasped, struggling to sit up on the bed. Energy had been drained from me, and I was just barely staying awake.
"Taylor," said Donna, her voice sounding panicked. "Oh fuckin' shit… what the fuck could be wrong?"

* * * * *

"Hang on." He counted the tablets again. "Oh shit."
"What?" asked Jocie.
"There was one bad E, I remember it. And it's not here."
"Donna and Jordan took one, remember?" asked Jocie, trying not to think the worst of the situation.
But Jocie's "good thoughts" turned for the worst when a scream for help arose from the bedroom.

* * * * *

"Taylor!" screamed Donna, as I started to shake.
"It's so cold," I said softly. Donna raced to where my jacket was, then jumping onto the bed, wrapping it around my shoulders.
I felt just like last night, or whenever, but worse. My eyes rolled, and there wasn't an ounce of strength within my body.
Donna's hot lips pressed against mine. "Taylor!" I was far too out of it by now. There was being high, and there was this feeling, this sick feeling. Sweat rolled from my forehead.
"Donna, I'd move out of the way for a moment."
"No."
"I'm going to-" Using the little power I had left, I threw my head over the side of the bed, vomiting all over the floor. Since I hadn't eaten a lot at dinner, this thankfully didn't last long.
"Taylor," she said again, pulling me into her arms. She rocked me for a moment, before unwrapping herself from around me. "Just wait there, I'm going to go get some help, don't go anywhere, please?"

* * * * *

before / and / after