Find Yourself Alone
1 // 2 // 3
-1-
“OOOO! That song I was telling you about is on the radio."
I held
the telephone up to the speaker as The Atari's' "In This Diary" made
its way to
Isaac
laughed lightly and I could tell his eyes were focused on the wall, quietly
reminiscing. "Those were some good times."
There
was a sudden knock at my apartment door and my 10-month old Bichon started barking
profusely at it, then me.
"Hold
on babe, there's someone at the door."
"
"That's
because he thinks it is you and gets excited."
I could
tell his face reddened. "He does not."
I
smiled, picked up my dog, and answered the door. I quickly moved as my
mother rushed past, dropping some documents on my end table.
"Come-a
nanny." She gestured towards
"Isaac."
She
smiled and got that look on her face… The one right before she asked, "So
Isaac, when are you going to make me a grandmother?"
"Mother!"
Isaac
laughed so hard on the other line that he dropped the phone and then quickly
picked it back up again. "Whoa… Your mom is awesome."
I
sighed. "Awesome isn't quite the word I'm looking for…" I turned back
to my mom. "I swear you are the only mom in the world who WANTS their
child to have sex and babies."
Isaac's
deep voice came through. "I see no problem with that."
My face
turned a lovely shade of pink that I could not hide from my mother.
"I don't know what he said, but I'm sure he agrees with me."
I
decided to end that conversation. "Why are you here?"
She pointed
to the once forgotten papers. "I need you to jazz these up for
me. The 'Beach Party' at the bar is next week and we want to attract
young people."
"It's
a bar… How young do you want to go?"
She
rolled her eyes and started to go out the door. "You know what I
mean."
"Hey,
where are you going with my dog?"
She
smiled and answered like I was stupid for asking. "Uh,
outside? Uncle Yi brought Sassy down and she wants to play with
him."
I
kissed the top of my dog's head and waved them out the door. "Try
not to get him too dirty, he just got a bath."
Isaac's
voice met my ears again, this time in a slightly higher pitch. "Gonna get dirrty…"
I
laughed as I shut the door. "You are obsessed."
"HEY!
Would you rather me like Christina or Britney?"
The
thought boggled my mind. "If you start liking Britney, I will
seriously stop dating you."
His
warm laugh greeted me as I plopped down on the couch. "That's what I
thought." A few moments of silence passed through us, and then it was
broken. "So what's going on with the party next weekend?"
"Oh,
it’s just sort of an end of the year bash. We're going to have a band and
a DJ. And it's… beach themed?"
"Yeah…
Cause that
I
rolled my eyes. "You're just jealous…
Isaac
laughed and I heard another voice cut into the conversation. "Hey
Ike, we're getting ready to go. You plan on playing or what?"
"Yeah
I
sighed. I hated these short conversations. But his time was
demanding, and I knew and accepted that. "Yeah… I wish you could
come to the party. I'll be bartending in a grass skirt and coconut
bra!" I winced as the phone crashed to the floor.
"Why
do you do that to me right before I go on stage? Now I'll have this silly
little smile on my face, and
"Just
telling you how it is, baby. But I understand that your fans are more important
that my coconut-clad breasts…"
"I
don't think anything is more important than that…"
I smiled and caught a glimpse of the clock. "You better go… I don't
want the guys to be mad at me."
He sighed
and got up to stretch. "Alright. Hey,
are you going to be busy around…" I could tell he was doing some mental
math in his head. "…
I
grabbed the papers my mother dropped off. "No, I'm going to be
working on the flyers for awhile, but I'll still be up at that time… Why?"
"I
was going to have Jessie call you so you could listen to your song."
My
breath hitched in my throat and I sat back down. "I would love that
so much… Thank you."
He was
beaming, I know it. "Don't thank me; I'm just glad you like
it."
"Oh
Isaac Hanson, you have yet to disappoint me."
There
was a loud banging on his end of the line. Seconds later, Zac's mumbled
voice interrupted our tender moment.
"Alright,
now I really have to go… Jessie will be calling later tonight, and then I'll
give you a call as soon as we're in the next city." He voice lowered a
notch. "I love you, Kalin.”
A warm
sensation ran through my body and I suddenly felt like turning up the air
conditioner. "I love you too. Have fun tonight."
"Always. Talk to you soon."
Our
mutual goodbyes faded and I was left with the anticipation of hearing his
sauntering voice in mere hours.
-2-
My
coconut bra was not co-operating and it was starting to piss me off. “Don’t
these come in half sizes?”
My
brother, Christopher, looked up from my guitar he was currently strumming. “What? Like nearly ‘A’?”
He looked back down at the strings.
“This is seriously out of tune.”
I
turned to look at him. “How ‘bout you
stop criticizing my breasts and tune it?”
He
reached over and grabbed a mini Mint Milano cookie
from the table. “What do you give me?”
“Uh,
those cookies you keep plopping in your mouth and a place to stay for the
night?”
He
scratched his head then ate another cookie.
“Oh yeah.”
I
rolled my eyes and turned back to the mirror, suddenly catching my
reflection. His words momentarily made
me self-conscience. “Are my breasts
really small?”
I spun
around as I heard a loud clash of noise.
My guitar laid on the ground, his mouth hung open.
“The
fact that you just asked me, your brother, to stare at your breasts and grade
them… Knowing full well, no matter what answer I give you I’m either a jerk or
a pervert…”
“Humor
me.”
He
dropped another cookie in his mouth and answered now like it was no big deal.
“They’re nice.”
I
smiled, my confidence restored. “Pervert.”
He just
nodded like it was common knowledge.
“Too bad your lover couldn’t be here to see you.”
My
heart dropped at the thought of Isaac.
Damn Chris for bringing him up. “That was a low blow. You know, maybe you don’t need to stay here
tonight.”
“Actually…
now that you mention it… for the second time, I probably won’t be staying
anyway… If things go right for me.”
I
whipped around. “Oh, so in guy language that means ‘Katie is coming tonight and
I’m going to get laid’?”
He gave
me a toothy smile. “You better believe
it.”
“Fine,
I’ll just walk home to my dog.”
He
coughed again. “Uh… Didn’t Mom tell
you?”
I was
becoming aggravated with his surprises. “Now what?”
“Well,
you know Dad never stays late at these things long. So when he leaves, he’s gonna
come over and get him and take him up to the house.” He could tell I didn’t understand the logic
to it all. “Kal,
you’re not getting home until four in the morning; do you really want to wake
Hearing
his name spoken,
Christopher
gently tickled him behind his ears.
“God, I love this dog.”
I
smiled and handed him his leash. “If you
love him, you’ll walk him so I can finish getting ready.”
Without
any hesitation, he took the leash and they both exited my apartment.
I
looked back to my reflection and fiddled with the damned coconuts again.
“Ike
likes my boobs.”
-3-
When I
walked the twenty foot distance from my apartment to the bar, the opening band,
Some Devil, was just finishing set up.
My
mother was behind the bar serving the many who were already seated.
“Hey, I
thought you weren’t serving tonight? That’s why I’m wearing these, aren’t I?” I
pointed to the plastic that was chaffing my chest.
She
smiled and sat down at the “bartender’s seat.”
“Well, we’re going to be a little short staffed until about ten.”
“What
do you mean?” I looked over and saw Tessa tapping a Coors. I also noticed none of the other girls were
there. “Where are Audrey and Rebecca?”
“Oh,
they walked out a few days ago, sweetie.
Saying something about ‘This is no Coyote Ugly’ or something like that…
I don’t really know what that means…”
I
suddenly became panicked. “Mom… why didn’t you tell me sooner so I could find some people to
help out.”
She
smiled and gently tugged my earlobe.
“Honey, I’ve got it all taken care of.
Now, I’m going to help you if its get busy then I have some help coming
around ten.”
Tessa
came over and planted a kiss on my cheek.
A few of the veteran drinkers whistled.
She looked down at my skirt.
“No
grass?”
I
looked down at my black satin sarong, which replaced the almost forgotten grass
skirt. “Nah, it kept tickling my legs. I
didn’t like it.”
“Well
your eye make up is fabulous, I must say.”
I
smiled and watched her grass skirt float as she left to wait on a
newcomer. I looked up and saw Some Devil
was getting ready to begin. “How long
are they playing? Until
ten?”
“
“Why
are all these things changing on me?
Doesn’t anyone like to keep my informed?” She bit her lip, and I knew
that was her way of hiding something from me. “What?”
She got
up and busied herself at the sink, cleaning beer residue glasses. “Oh mother, you can not keep a secret. Tell me.”
She
only shook her head, and then sighed in relief when someone signaled her that
they wanted a refill.
I
noticed the bar was getting fuller, so I gave up and started serving the
forever thirsty crowd. I lost complete track of time and it wasn’t until I no
longer heard the band play that I looked up and saw the Miller Light clock read
I was
in the middle of making a Virgin Suicide when I felt a grip on my
shoulder. I turned around slowly,
careful to visually measure the amount of alcohol going into the glass. When my eyes met with the owner of the hand,
the glass fell to the floor and shattered.
“
Behold
my heart, Taylor Hanson stood there, dressed in a paper grass skirt, sandals, a
lay and the finishing touch, the coveted coconuts. (And it kills me to admit he
looks foxier that me.)
“We
came to your rescue.”
I threw
my arms around him and only let go when I saw Zac standing behind him. He came up and pushed
Words
finally came to my lips. “When? How?”
Zac
just smiled and hugged me. “Ike called your
apartment a few days ago, apparently you were at work. But your mom was there taking
I
smiled and almost became emotional. Almost. “Not that I’m not insanely happy to see
you. But where is the object of my
affection?”
They
stared at each other, then Zac looked at the ground and
“Um…
he’s kind of… busy.”
My
heart literally got tangled in my smaller intestines. Zac saw the devastated look on my face and
placed his hands on my shoulders, then turned me towards the stage.
There,
looking nothing less than perfect, was the reason for
which I breathe. And he was currently
stealing all my air.