There was also a 17
year old guy. He kinda just sat in the corner,
staring at the bright red "EXIT" sign, waiting for his ride to come.
Yeah, lucky bastard... His case wasn't as "bad as mine" so he didn't
have to stay here and the meetings were optional for him... How fair is that? I
guess that's what I get for trying to kill myself three times... Oh well,
you'll have that...
- 1
-
I don't know why I'm
doing this. It will be too hard. They said I should. Something about it being
therapeutic... Therapeutic my ass. They just want to
be nosy and interfere with my life... or lack there of. Damn... Therapy Nazis!!
I hope ya'll read this and feel ashamed! Ashamed, hear me!
If I had my way, this
thing would be burning in the fireplace! Shit, I don't have a fireplace, now do
I? Oh yes, that's right. How could I forget? I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING!! Damn Nazis
are thieves too!! Took all my possessions. Left me
with nothing but a notebook of a paper, a pen and a broken heart... Hey, maybe
I should use that in a song.
Someone's knocking at the
door. Hold on.
Okay, I've just been
informed that if I do this stupid thing and behave, I'll be allowed to go out.
Sweet! Maybe this won't be so bad after all.
I guess some
introductions are in order, since I'll be writing in you for awhile.
Hi, my name is Jaden Mitchell and I'm an alcoholic.
- 2
-
They told me the best way
to get better is to express my anger and pain, then let it go. So, since I'm
alone, you'll have to be my solace...
So, this Monday I start
AA meetings. You have no idea how uncomfortable this is going to be. Walking
into a room with people that I've never met... and that are all older than me.
I'll be the only 16 year old there.
Lunch is here. I must go.
*Jaden*
- 3
-
Can we say surprised? I
thought I had problems! At the meeting today, there was an 11 year old with a
drinking problem? That's so horrible! What kind of environment was SHE brought
into... LORD! But then again, I'm only 5 year older...
There was also a 17 year
old guy. He kinda just sat in the corner,
staring at the bright red "EXIT" sign, waiting for his ride to come.
Yeah, lucky bastard... His case wasn't as "bad as mine" so he didn't
have to stay here and the meetings were optional for him... How fair is that? I
guess that's what I get for trying to kill myself three times... Oh well,
you'll have that...
I do have to say, the one
time he ventured a look up, I was nearly blown away... He was extremely good
looking... I had no idea why he would want to ruin himself with alcohol. He
could have had a career with that face.
Second shocker of the day
- When his older brother walked in... Wanna hear my
embarrassing moment?
Here was little ol' me, sitting quietly in my little ol'
chair... Trying to will the boy's eyes to look at me (I have amazing brain
power, did I tell you that?)... When all of a sudden the guys eyes light up and
he started running towards me!! The first thing
that ran
through my mind was "SCORE! IT WORKED!" but he glided on his Airwalk wings... right past me.
Deciding to see who's tactics worked better than mine, I turned around...
Speechless is a word I use to describe myself. This guy was absolutely
gorgeous. At first, I thought maybe they were "together" but then the
silent angel finally uttered his first words.
"I'm so glad to see
you, Bro. Please get me outta here."
The gorgeous angel smiled
brightly and patted the silent angel on the head. "You're doing good,
I needed to hear his
voice more. It sent chills down my spine. Silly (or um, Stupid?) me, tried to
get closer... And needless to say, I fell out of my chair... Right
to their feet. No, THAT didn't bruise my ego or anything.
I heard the silent angel
(now known as
Here I was, layin' on
my back... Staring up at these two guys... And one was laughing at me. Was I
going to cry? Probably... In front
of them? You have got to be kidding me!! I got up and ran to the closest
bathroom and emptied any contents that happened to be in my stomach at that
very moment.
Ike? That's the gorgeous
angel's name... Interesting...
*Jaden*
- 4
-
I did it. I finally made
contact with Now-Not-So-Silent-Taylor... I don't know if it was a mistake or
not yet. I mean, sure it would be nice to have someone to talk to... But
it would also be nice to be able to talk... Once you warm this guy up to ya, he never (and boy do I ever mean NEVER) shuts up...
I remember being so
nervous... Like one look at me, he would crack up and run in the opposite
direction. But I approached him anyway. He had his back to me like always...
staring intently at that fuggin' red sign... When I tapped him gently on the
shoulder. He turned around, somewhat shocked. But a pleasant
smile formed on his face.
"Hey." He said
it so softly. As if saying it any louder, something horrible would have came
crashing on him. I gave him a polite smile and motioned to the chair beside
him. He chuckled lightly and I know he was thinking about the other day. I
decided to comment before he did.
"Yes, I know I'm a
klutz... but your brother is extremely hot and I was trying to get a better
look." I knew that would render him speechless... and it did.. for about.. ohhh... 5 seconds.
"I'm telling him
when he picks me up." Okay, so that was NOT what I was expecting. There
was no way I could let that happen.
"Dude, you tell your
brother, I'll shove this pamphlet up your ass and laugh as you scream for
mercy." He was not amused. "Like I'd let you anywhere NEAR my million
dollar ass..." I laughed. He got mad and turned around. I got to
view his "million dollar ass" and decided it was worth every penny.
"You're looking at
it, aren't you?" He caught me off so I answered truthfully. "Yes, it
is quite nice."
He turned back around
with a slightly large smile on his face. "Told ya so. Anyway, lets change
the subject..." Ahhh.. so he wants to talk to me more... Maybe he's not so bad
after all. "So you have the hotts for my
brother?" Ok, so maybe I was wrong.
"Hey, I thought we
were changing the subject?"
"Yeah, from my butt
to my brother... If you can't see the transition then..."
"I got it!! Crikey! I'm changing the subject... How long have you been
coming here?"
His eyes became distant
and he started pulling away from me. I felt everything we've accomplished in
the past few minute just dissolved. "I don't really want to talk about
it."
I nodded sadly at him. I
knew how he felt, but I also knew that you could feel really lonely and need
someone to talk to who's in the same position as you... I know I do.
"Yeah, its okay... You don't have to share your feelings with me. I
just wanted to let you know that my name is Jaden.
I've been here for about a week. And when I say here, I mean here. I have to
stay 'on campus'. I have to write everything in a journal... I have to take
tests daily. And I'm by myself most of the time. You're the first person I've
talked to since I've been here.... So I just thought that maybe... If you were
feeling the same way I was... You would need someone to talk to... And if you didn't have anyone else... I could be that
person..."
I looked at him
hopefully. I could tell he deciding whether or not to
trust me. His eyes regained that sparkle I saw on the first day and he smiled.
"Okay, maybe we can help each other..."
I finally did something
that's taken me sixteen years to accomplish.
I earned a friend.
*Jaden*
- 5
-
Well, he didn't tell his
brother. Or if he did, Isaac does a good job of hiding it. Yes, his real name
is Isaac... Ike is just a nickname... He told me to call him Ike, but I said I
preferred Isaac... He asked me why... And well...
"Jaden,
this is my brother, Isaac. Ike, this is Jaden."
I shook my head in confusion. "Wait, I heard two different names there...
which one is it?" They both laughed lightly... Like it
was some inside joke that only they knew.
Isaac stuck his hand out.
"My birth certificate reads Isaac, but I usually go by Ike. Its nice to meet you finally."
I smiled brightly and
held onto his hand a little too long. But there was
Isaac laughed and ran his
fingers through his hair. What was he doing to me?!? Did he know?!? Move on, Jaden, move on! "So Isaac, what's it like having a
brother who owns the *million-dollar-ass*?" We found our way into the Rec room and each claimed a Laz-E-Boy.
Isaac turned and smirked
at his brother. "You're still using that line?"
"How old are you,
Isaac?" He grinned playfully and reclined in the chair. "I'm 19 and
you can call me Ike."
I reclined my chair also.
"Nah, I'll stick with Isaac if you don't mind."
"Why's
that?" He smiled. Oh God, did he smile. I wish everyone was as free
spirited as he was.
"
Hello! I'm still in the
room!! I hate when people talk about me like I'm not here. "Yeah,
"What's MY
problem?" Uh-oh, here we go. He's gonna ruin me.
"I'M not the one who has the hotts for my
brother!" I looked at him and blinked. Then Isaac and I both just...
laughed. The tension was gone. I could tell that much.
"Yes,
So we ended up talking
for hours. About our fears and dreams. Past loves. It
felt weird that two guys that I barely know... know more about me, then anyone
else in this world. They know all my demons and imperfections. All the things that scared everyone else off.
But they're still here.
*Jaden*
- 6
-
The two of us decided the
meetings were no good... And the only decent thing about them was that after
the first 15 minutes, you're allowed to break off into pairs or small groups
and talk amongst yourselves. It was an unspoken bond that we would be together.
I didn't think it would happen this fast... but...
"Tell me more about
yourself..." He implored, eyes shining. He made it seem like I had an
interesting life. What a lie.
"Well... Let's
see... I was born in
He had his legs draped
over one end of the couch and his head somehow landed in my lap. He looked up
at me with an innocent smile. "Tell me about your family."
I propped my feet up on
the coffee table and stared down at him. "You really wanna
know?"
He became serious and
stroked my hand that rested on his chest. "If you don't feel
comfortable..." I cut him off. "No, its not
that... But are you sure you want to know?" He relaxed and smiled again.
"Tell me everything you want me to know."
And so I did. "Alright. Because of my
father's position and constant movement... Our family broke apart long
before I... A long time ago.
My brother became a drug dealer... My sister became a manic depressive.... My
mother had about... oh... 23 boyfriends... One night, my dad was sitting at the
kitchen table... His Smith & Wesson tucked neatly in his hands. He called
me over and poured this yellowish liquid into a tiny glass. He told me to sit,
shoot it down and beg for another. So I did.
And all I
can remember, is after I downed practically a whole bottle of alcohol, I felt
no more pain. Every shitty thing that was going on in my life, right then, did
not exist. I woke up in the morning with a killer headache, but a craving for
more." I took a deep breath and let my mind clear. "Fast forward one
year... My life has become consuming alcohol. Its the
only way I feel I can block out the pain. My dad comes stumbling into my
bedroom... Surprisingly, drunker than I am... And he said... He said..."
he got me in
the past year, it was time to repay him." I looked into his clear eyes and
he knew. I didn't have to go through the pain of saying it because he already
knew. "I never felt such immense pain in my entire life. And of course,
the only thing I knew was that alcohol eased any pain I had.... So I drank...
and drank.. and pretty much
drank myself into a coma. I ended up in the hospital, getting my stomach
pumped, and was asleep for three weeks. To sum it up, my dad got off with
temporary insanity and I got sent here."
I looked up and my eyes
got wide. "I didn't tell you that just so..." He silenced me with his
thumb. "I know... I want to tell you. Granted, its
not that great of a story, but you deserve to know...
After
our first album came out... It was non-stop moving... From
I smiled slightly but
then became serious. "You're really lucky
He'll pay for that later.
*Jaden*
- 7
-
Ask and you shall
receive... or something like that. I know, its only
Saturday, and I don't really have to write again until Monday... But something
really cool happened after our Thursday session.
I cried out of happiness.
"So, you never heard
of us?"
I tucked some hair behind
my ear. "Nope... I mean, don't take that negatively... Its just with
everything else I had going on, I didn't have time for... Carefree stuff... ya know?"
He smiled and slowly
blinked. "Yeah, I know exactly what you mean... And I take no offense.
Would you excuse me for a second?" I nodded and he scurried off the couch.
A few minutes later, he returned, smiling brightly. "Now, where were
we?"
I scratched my head. "Nothing important... just random stuff. So, what time
is it?"
He laughed and grabbed my
hands. "Ike will be here soon, come on, let's go
wait for him." A giddy expression came to my face and he noticed.
"You are so horny!! Calm down!"
My face became a lovely
pink and I toned it down a little... on the outside. :o)
I never blushed before, but these Hanson guys really know how to embarrass me.
A few moments later, Isaac walked in, carrying a CD and a bright smile. What is
with these guys...
"Zac was so pissed I
disturbed him from his PlayStation... I got death stares the whole way out the
door!"
Isaac flashed the cover
of the CD to me. "I had to get him to sign it." I looked down and saw
a very distinct "ZAC" written by his bodied image. He handed the
booklet to
"You are now the
proud owner of the Hanson family's very own copy of 'This Time
Around'...." He smiled and handed it over. "Cherish it always."
He added in a comical voice.
My heart swelled when I
realized this was the most amazing gift anyone had ever given me. "I... I
don't know what, to say... Thanks... That's not enough... Wow..." I always
sucked with words. So I hugged them, and they didn't seem to mind.
So that night I asked the
Registry for a portable CD player and they said since my behavior has
drastically changed since I first got here, they wouldn't have a problem with
it. So I laid down and listened to the CD until three
in the morning, when I finally fell asleep. The lyrics "let's not go
through our lives, without just dying to be alive..." were
the last thing I heard while fresh tears traveled down my cheeks.
*Jaden*
- 8
-
I had my first withdrawal
today. Oh, it was so horrible. My body started twitching and my mouth got dry.
I waved a sad goodbye to
Isaac and escorted
"... Today, you get
to explore the town with an outside buddy! Come on, one inny
with one outty. There are 8 of each so everyone will
have someone!!!"
Taylor and I rolled our
eyes then smiled at each other. "You wanna be my
Outty, Baby?" He laughed and wrapped his arm
around my shoulder. "Do you even have to ask?" I smiled and leaned
into his shoulder. I looked down at my wrist and saw the plastic band. Inside
was a little metal chip lets them know where I'm at, at all times.
"Well, we can't hop
a train to
I smacked him upside the
head and grabbed his hand. "So funny, so so funny." About 43 minutes later, we found
ourselves sitting at a booth in Pizza Hut.
"Gosh, its been so long since I've had real food..." I decided
not to talk and just take advantage of the situation. But then a thought
occurred to me. "Hey, I'll pay you back as soon as I can."
I stared at him blankly.
"Because...."
He shook his head and
resumed eating. "No, its my treat. Besides, Ike
would have a hernia if he found out you paid..."
I put my hand over my
heart in a dramatic fashion. "I love that man."
Why did the pizza
suddenly taste funny? Did
"No... It's
just..."
"Hey, you feelin' okay? Your hands are
shaking."
Whoa, is
I started to get up but
my hands were covered in sweat and I slipped back down.
"Hey," he
whispered. "Hey, look at me. Tell me what you're feeling."
I grasped his hand
roughly, needing something stable to hold on to. "I need to get to the
bathroom. I'll be fine." Once the dizziness decreased, I let him pull me
up, thankful there was only two other people in the restaurant. I smiled at him
gently and carefully made my way into the tiny bathroom.
"Jaden!! Jaden, wake up! Open your eyes." I
felt something cold go across my forehead and something warm clasping over one
of my hands. My eyes fluttered open and I was greeted with the harsh light of
the overheads. The warmth I felt in my hand was now gone. "
"Yeah, I'm right
here..." I looked over and saw him leaning against the wall, hands folded
tightly across his chest, lips trembling. My hand was now resting in his lap.
He looked like he was afraid to touch me. "Are... Are you ok?" I took
the cold compress off my head and threw it into the trash can. I sat up slowly,
with no help from him, and pulled my arm away.
"Yeah, I'm sorry I
was such a bother to you..." Did I sound bitter? Good... I felt betrayed.
We were supposed to be there for each other, but as soon as it gets bad, he
bails on me.
"Don't say that...
Please, don't say that..."
"Why not,
I tried to get up but my
legs weren't stable enough yet, so I fell backwards again. I closed my eyes,
expecting the fall, when two arms wrapped themselves around me tightly, and
gently pulled me to safety. "I'm sorry, I'm so so
sorry... Please Jade, don't be mad. I got... so scared. Seeing you like that...
I didn't know what to do. I'm sorry... Please..."
He was falling apart and
my job was to keep him together, even though I couldn't exactly think straight
myself. "
He gently wiped the tears
off his cheeks and kissed my temple. "I promise to stay strong... for
you."
We stayed locked up in
each other's arms until an employee knocked on the door - asking if everything
was okay. We finally detached ourselves, and when I was capable, paid the check
and left.
Walking back, hand in
hand, we promised each other that we would always be there for the other... No matter what. And when things got difficult, we would only
offer more support. Maybe, just maybe, I had gained more than a friend.
*Jaden*
- 9
-
Ask me to smile, I'll
frown
Ask me to
sing, I'll stay silent
Ask me to
feel free,
while
you're kicking me into the ground
Tell me I'm pretty, then
look at her
Hold my
hand, then go wash yours
Ask if
I'm happy
I'll try
my best to lie
Tell me to dream
I'll say
that's what I've been doing all along -
"Jaden,
you have a phone call..." I looked up and stared blankly at the nurse. A
red curl escaped her hat and she annoyingly tucked it behind her ear. She
repeated herself as if I didn't hear her the first time. "You have a phone
call, sweetie. Booth three." She shut the door on
her way out and the slam made my mind wander...
Mental Checklist: Its not
Taylor or Isaac, because they just left ten minutes ago... Unless
there was an accident... But no, they wouldn't call me right away. Or
would they... It can't be my dad... He doesn't even know I'm here, does he? All
these doubts started running through me... My hands began to shake for a reason
unknown to me. Why was I so scared to answer the phone.
There was a knock at the
door and my head swung up. "Sometime today, Jaden. There are other people who want to use the
phones also..."
I took a deep breath and
uttered my apologies. I slowly made my way to Booth #3... All
the possibilities racing through my head. I tried to think of things to
say for each person I imagined it being.
"Hello?" There
were car horns blaring in the background and no one answered. "Hello?!?"
"Jaden? Is that you..."
My mind reeled... I knew
this voice... But it couldn't have been. "Yes, its
me..." This couldn't have been the best friend who abandoned me when I
needed her the most. This couldn't have been the best friend who promised me
she would be there for me, through everything. There's no way this could have
been my best friend, because she no longer existed.
"Michelle?"
She let out a quiet sob
and laughed lightly, to relieve her own tension - not mine. "Yeah, its me. Please, Jaden, don't hang
up... I know I deserved to be hung up on, but please hear me out..." No
Jaden, you can't... not after what she did.
I silently cursed my
heart for not listening to my head. "I'm listening."
She breathed a sigh of
relief and then there was total silence. "Sorry, I needed to put more
money in." I laughed in spite of myself. That's like Michelle to break a
serious moment. At least she was sounding like herself again...
"I'm so sorry Jaden... I know I was the shittiest friend and I left when
you needed me most. I was selfish and only thought about myself and what I
wanted. I wasn't there to help you and there isn't a day that goes by that I
don't regret it... I miss you so much Jade..." I flinched at her nickname
for me. It sounded foreign coming from her mouth. "I know we can't get
back what we lost, but I need you back in my life..."
I pulled my feet up onto
the stool and rested my head on my knees. "You're right... When I needed
you, you bailed. But we can spend the time we have dwelling on that, or you can
ask me how I'm doing... without you." I continued before she could speak.
"Without you, I got into this mess. I became an alcoholic and a rape
victim. Without you, I met these two incredible people who are literally
changing my whole entire world. Without you... I can
get better..." She sucked in her breath and I knew she was crying. The
lyrics to "Dying To Be Alive" found their
way into my head, and I internally smiled. "Yes, Michelle, I do believe I
can make it without you... But I'd prefer not to."
I could tell she was
rolling the statement around in her head. Trying to make
sense of it. I laughed heartily this time. "I'll explain it for
you, my slow-witted friend. Yeah, I could be mad at you for the rest of my
natural born life... But I don't want to be. You need me... But I also need
you. We're not going to become best friends over night... But we can try,
right?"
"Yeah, we can... I
want to come see you... Can I?"
"Every Monday we're
allowed visitors. When can you make it?"
"How
'bout this Monday?"
I snorted. "You
better ask Alan if he'll let you take off the leash... Its sorta
short notice, don't you think?" I remembered the car horns. "Chel, where are you?"
I could tell she was
contemplating telling me. "Outside
I silently thanked any
and all gods who happened to be listening in on our conversation. "Thank
God, Chel... Where are you going to stay?"
"Hotels until I can
find a place... Look I'm almost out of money... So, Monday I can come... What's
the address?"
I gave her directions to
the Rehab and then hung up. I ran back to my room and flopped on the bed...
"You gotta turn it around before its too late..." I looked over at the CD player that
I forgot to turn off. I picked up the jewel case and stared at the guys.
"You're not even here
"Thank you."
*Jaden*
Ask Me
C aj hess
- 10
- written by Tessa
I called her today...can
you believe it? I'm suprised she even spoke to me.
I wouldn't
have...It's not like I wanted to leave....I knew she was in
trouble, I
knew it.
Wow, Michelle..this is making a
called Jaden today...she's still in
is also not
so good to know is that she is in rehab.
Whats really strange is that
she sounds GREAT...I mean...I dont
know how
great it could be in rehab, but it's definatly doing
something for her.
I wanted to tell her that
my life has been hell...I wanted to tell her that for the
last year I
haven't been able to stop thinking about what i've
done....I want her
to know that
she's not alone...I want someone I can tell everything to....
Someone i could tell what that bruise was REALLY from..I'm sick of hiding, I'm sick
of lying,
I'm sick of crying, I'm sick of running....I'm sick of "falling down and
hurting myself"
I can't help
but think if i I wouldn't
of left..we would both be a
little more sane.
That was ME...I was
selfish....selfish and STUPID to think that I had someone to actually
take care of
me....So now..I'm here
broke, alone, bruised, empty and scared as hell.
WHY DID I
LEAVE?! So yeah...I've bascially fucked us both up by
one simple move,
thank you
thank you..you know how I
try.... I swear Jaden, if you ever for some reason
read this..I am sorry...and i WILL make up for what i've
done. Wow,
again....Mmmbop? ha. I wonder if they have
kept their fame going...I kind of doubt it
most good
things never last.
*Michelle*