Prologue

A swift slap to the face is what I really need to set me straight

"Zac, hurry up, if you make me late for one more class.. I'll..."

Zac Hanson left the kitchen with a bagel in his mouth, a number two pencil in his ear and a bookbag slung carelessly over his shoulder. "You'll do what, exactly?"

"I'll tell all the girls in our Communications class that you're a homosexual who is disgusted at the mere thought of a vagina."

Zac blinked once then headed for the door.

chapter one

The fabric is about to frey

The usual chorus of "present" made its way around the room, and when the professor called my name, it sounded foreign coming from his mouth. Maybe it was the way he said it or maybe I didn't feel like the name he said. Either way, he had to say it twice to get my full attention.

"Taralynn Sierra Albscott."

I stared at him blankly. My how I loathed him. "Sir, you're staring directly at me, so its very doubtful you missed me. And you know I go by T.S."

Did I hit a nerve? Guess I was going to pay for it now. "Get out now."

I sighed and collected my belongings. It wasn't the first, won't be the last. "Gladly."

I could feel everyone's eyes on me as I made my grand departure out of the confined classroom. He was only reviewing Midsummer Night's Dream today. I didn't need to be there. I've read it three times.

I walked into the lounge and couldn't tell if I was pleased or pissed off to find Zac sitting there, trying to balance a pencil on his nose. He felt my presence and let the little wooden tool fall into his hands. "Fancy meeting you here, T.S. My God, its been what," he looked down at his invisible watch,"15 minutes since you last saw me. Miss me that much?"

I rolled my eyes and sat down across from him. "Keep dreaming Zacharis. What are you doing here?"

"I got bored."

"So you walked out of class?"

"Nope, Miss Jackobson was student teaching again."

I leaned back in my chair and scowled at him. "I hate you."

A laugh erupted from deep in his throat and he tried to stroke my hand. I pulled away. "Is it my fault she's a fan. Its amazing what a few autographs can buy. But enough about me, who'd you piss off?"

"One guess."

"Did he use the full name?"

I laid my head against the cool surface of the fake wood table. "Why do I let him get to me Zac? Why can't I be like every other robot in that class and just raise my hand and say 'present'?"

"Because you're not able."

"Is that supposed to be comforting?"

"Yes. You and me are the only originals in this fake place... Why the hell would you want to be like them?"

"How the hell are you original?"

He gave me one of his reserved smiles. "How many guys can do this?" He placed the pencil on the tip of his nose again, and this time, I had to watch. Its not everyday you see Zac Hanson do something constructive.

chapter two

Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chamelon, you come and go

Two classes later, I caught a glimpse of Zac again at lunch. He was sitting with his usual cronies. I knew three were his actual friends. I think the others were just there to say they hung out with Zac Hanson. I know I sound cynical, but its true. I know he knows this too, but I think he enjoys the attention too much to care.

One of the guys, Jasper, saw me approach and elbowed Zac. He whispered something, probably lewd, in his ear and they both started laughing. Typical routine. Today I just didn't feel like dealing with it. I walked past the table and sat down with a girl from my Public Relations class. She smiled shyly at me then turned her attention back to her food.

"T.S.!" I turned around and saw Jasper waving to me. "Why aren't you sitting with us? There's room here for you." He signaled towards his lap and the "males" just thought that was the most hilarious thing ever said.

I produced a fake smile and slid my middle finger down my cheek. The girl beside me let out a low chuckle. "Tell'em girl."

I turned back around and smiled genuinely at the girl. "Talon right?"

She smiled brightly and nodded her head. "How did you know?"

"You're in my PR class... It's nice to meet you. I'm T.S."

"I know... Aren't you like, friends with them?" She asked, referring to the group of guys I chose not to sit with today.

"Yeah... Well some. The others are just assholes who operate from the same brain... And Jasper is their leader."

The girl laughed louder this time, obviously no longer intimidated by me. "I like you. Are you always this ..."

"Bitchy?"

"Well I was looking more along the lines of opinionated and expressive... but okay."

"Oh, nice adjectives, thank you. And yes, I am."

She suddenly got this shy look on her face, and I could tell she wanted to ask me something. "What?"

"Is it true... About you and Zac?"

I nearly spit out my Choco Taco. "Excuse me?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you mad... I was just curious..."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Me and Zac what?"

"Well... you know... you too... um..."

I knew where this was going. I dropped my food, no longer hungry. I pushed my chair back and stormed over to the table.

"Zac."

He was too busy laughing with his "friends" to hear me.

"Zac... ZAC!"

He turned around abruptly. "What woman?"

I stared at him sharply. "We need to talk now."

He knew the look but tested me anyway. "Can't it wait till-" Before he could finish, I had him out of his chair and into the neighboring lobby. "Jesus Christ T.S., what the hell is your problem?"

"MY PROBLEM? Did you know that there's a rumor about us?"

"What? That we slept together?"

He would have been better off pretending he didn't know. And I think he realized that after he said it.

"You knew about that rumor, and you didn't tell me?? Jesus Zac, I just humiliated myself in front of this girl 'cause she asked me about it.. Why..." I started pacing around the room, then I stopped in front of him. "Why didn't you tell me?"

He shoved his hands in his pockets and looked down at the floor. "I didn't think it was such a big deal."

That innocent act wasn't going to fool me. I knew Zac too well for that. "It is Zac. Not only do I hate the fact that people are talking about me behind me back, but if they are, I wanna know what they're saying. Second, when rumors like this get started, pricks like Jasper start thinking I'm easy and make those fuckin' nasty comments to me. I don't like being treated like that Zac... especially after..." I wiped my face with the back of my sleeve. I think realization hit him and he soon had his arms wrapped around my shoulders.

"God T.S., I am an insensitive bastard... I'm so sorry."

I laughed lightly into his shoulders. "Yes you are. But for some reason I still love you."

I felt his chest deflate with the breath he was holding. He gently stroked my hair and I pulled away from him. He looked at me like he wanted to say something. His lips were slightly parted and I felt his breath on my cheek. Its coming...

"Is the thought of sleeping with me all that terrifying?"

I smiled slightly and ran my hand down his chest. "That and so much more."

His lips transformed into an 'O' as I pulled away from him. "You just killed me." I laughed outloud and started walking towards the cafeteria. "Hey, I should get at least a kiss for that!"

I stopped in my tracks and looked back at him. "You're serious?"

I don't believe I've ever seen him look more so. He arched his eyebrow in impatience. I smiled coyly and started walking back towards him. Maybe I was emotional and hormonal, but Zac looked pretty damn tempting just then. "All right, but I'm not doing any half ass shit."

I grabbed his hand and pulled him into the gymnasium, where there were no students or staff. I wrapped my arms around his neck and planted a soft kiss against his top lip. He closed his eyes so I took his lip into my mouth and started sucking on it lightly. His hands were busy untucking my shirt while his knee pinned me against the wall. When his fingertips grazed the fabric of my bra, I opened his mouth slightly with my tongue. His soft moans against my lips gave me permission to explore longer. His fingers trailed down my back then he slowly ran them under my skirt, stroking my thigh.

I pulled my lips away and looked at him. His eyes were still closed and he lightly ran his tongue over his now chapped lips. He opened his eyes and looked down at me. I think it dawned on him also, what we had just done.

"Zac?" My voice was no louder than a whisper. His mouth turned up at just hearing me say his name. "What are you thinking?"

"I don't know... many things actually..."

I looked at him, almost scared of what he's going to say.

"Well one, I'm wondering what the hell we're doing. Two, I'm wondering why I care what we're doing... But mostly..." He bit his lip, debating whether or not he should tell me. He gently ran a fingertip over my forehead, pushing the stray hair out of the way.

"Mostly what?"

He trailed light kisses down my nose. He stopped when his lips were hovering over mine.

My breath mixed lightly with his and I suddenly wished those lips were on mine again. He ran his finger under my chin and lightly grazed my cheek. "I mostly want to know what you taste like." I blushed slightly at his words but allowed him to take control of my mouth with his own. After all, I did believe in Karma.

chapter three

Been running from these feelings for so long, telling my heart I didn't need you

The bell for fourth period echoed through the halls and my head. I pulled away sharply from him and his hands dropped to his side. I looked around, suddenly sensing someone was watching us. "Zac... What... I have to go."

He tried to grab my hand but I was faster. "T.S., where are you going... Are you mad at me?"

I looked back at him, my eyes softening. "No, I'm not mad Zac. All I know is that we had a pretty intense moment back there, and I have to figure out why I liked it."

His eyes twinkled a little and his now puffy lips formed a grin. "You liked it?"

I turned around and ran into the cafeteria, grabbed my books, and practically ran to my last class of the day. Unfortunately, it was my Communications class and Zac was in it.

A few minutes after I found my seat, Zac walked in with sweat across his forehead. He had obviously been chasing after me. I smiled inwardly. So this is what it felt like to be desired. All the girls in our class stared lustfully at him, and the forty-five year old teacher raised his eyebrow at him.

"This day is going down in history, ladies and gentlemen, Zac Hanson has arrived to class early." The girls whistled at him and seductively arched their eyebrows. Zac just nodded and made his way back to me.

He took the seat behind me and leaned over till I could feel his breath on my neck. "Look, before you took off, I was going to say I liked it too." He ran his fingers over the exposed flesh of my neck. "I know it will be a big step for us, but I'm willing to take it if you are."

I closed my eyes and relished in the feel of his touch and his words. Oh how easy it would be to fall for him. I turned around to face him and nearly jumped at how close he was to me. I rested my forehead against his and lightly brushed my lips over his. "Just give me some time to think, okay? You know me better than anyone ... and maybe I'm just afraid..."

"Afraid of what?" He ran his fingers over my cheek bone then planted a soft kiss there.

I sighed and pulled away slightly. "That you know me too well. That I won't be exciting enough for you if we went to a deeper relationship."

He smiled coyly and cocked his head. "Do you call what we just did unexciting?"

I smiled back at him. "Well, no... But what if that was just a fluke. What if I'm a totally different person-" He silenced me in a way that only Zac Hanson can. I leaned my head back so he had easier access and he started trailing his hand down my face. I think we both realized at the very same moment where exactly we were and that we shouldn't be doing this. We pulled away, both timid to look at the other classmates and the professor.

"Well, that was interesting." Well, you couldn't say Mr. Harris didn't know how to break the ice. "All right kids, unless you have money to watch the show, I suggest you turn your eyes to the front of the class." Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a girl reach into her purse, but her friend slapped her.

Just then the last bell rang and in walked Jasper. "So nice of you to join us Jasper."

A boy in the front row laughed outloud. "Yeah you missed one hell of a show." That sent the kids into the laughter they had been holding, and Zac and I just smirked and buried ourselves further into our seats.

Jasper looked around, confused. "What'd I miss?" He looked back at us. "Did she kick your ass again?"

"Language, Mr. Matton. And please take your seat. This class does not revolve around you."

Jasper bowed his head in a fake apology. "Sorry sir." He headed towards his seat. "No really what happened?"

Some blonde who sits beside him obviously explained it to him. I covered my face with my hands. This was not going to be good.

His loud voice could be heard in neighboring countries, I swear. "Oh my God!" He whipped around to face us. "ZAC! Why didn't you tell me the rumor was true? Is she good man?"

I stared at him in disbelief. How in the world was Zac friends with someone like that?

Jasper's girlfriend, who was actually a sweet girl and wasn't deserving of such an asshole boyfriend, smacked him upside the head. "Jasper, shut up!"

He smacked her hand away. "I'm just having fun baby." He turned back to us. "Yo T.S., mind if I try you out for myself."

Zac's booming voice echoed in my ear. "I swear to God Jasper, if you don't shut up..."

Jasper's laugh was genuine and menacing. "Sorry dude, just trying to lighten her up a little... Why are you with a chick that serious anyway? There's only one reason I can think of..." He shoved his tongue into his cheek and made lewd gestures with his hand.

Zac was out of his chair and on his way over to him, but I grabbed the back of his shirt. He looked down at me with enraged eyes. "It's not worth it Zac. He's not worth it."

Mr. Harris grabbed Jasper by his collar and threw him into the hallway. "You are dismissed from my class."

I held in the emotions I felt from Jasper's comments. It was going to be a long eighty minutes. Zac lightly tapped my shoulder then kissed my ear. "Don't worry about him. He's just pissed off 'cause you got to kiss me and he didn't." I laughed lightly and silently thanked whoever was listening that I at least had Zac as a friend.

chapter four

How could you cheat me out of love when I was holding the cards?

"Now before you all rush out of here like mad cows, I want you to look up three companies on the internet that deal with the topic you chose. Give me a brief summary of what they do and how they affect what you've chosen. Have a good weekend and I'll see you Monday."

Everyone had eagerly scribbled the notes, packed up and headed out. Zac stopped me in the hall by grabbing my elbow. "Hey, I have to run down to Mrs. Jackobson's room... Can you wait for me?"

"Well, Zac, considering I AM your ride..."

He blushed slightly. "I know, but I didn't want to assume you'd wait if you have plans right after school... or you just want to go home... or-"

"Zac." I interrupted him before he thought of more excuses as to why I couldn't wait. "I'll wait for you, it's not that big of a deal. Unless you're giving her more than just autographed pictures...."

Zac laughed and turned around, making sure I got a nice view of his 'finely toned ass'. "They always want what they can't have." When his form disappeared from sight, I turned around only to be greeted by Jasper.

"You know T.S., if you weren't such a bitch, you'd be quite attractive. With your smooth skin..." He ran his fingers down the hollow of my throat. "You're pretty blue eyes. You're killer body..." His eyes found their way to my chest and I suddenly became very uncomfortable.

"What do you want Jas?"

"Oh you know what I want, and from what Zac says it doesn't seem like it's that hard to get."

I stared at him coldly, wondering exactly where this conversation was heading. "What are you talking about Jasper... You shouldn't believe all the shit that flies around this school."

I started to walk away when he grabbed my arm and pulled me back. "Why should I NOT believe it when it comes straight from the person's mouth?"

I looked down at his hand, which was starting to make fiery bruises on my upper arm. "You're hurting me."

He smirked slightly and in an instant, had me pinned against the hard wall. "That's not the only thing I can do to you. Now I'm going to tell you straight out, 'cause that's what friends do."

"I've never considered you a friend, Jasper, but go ahead."

He touched his lips to the area just below my ear. "Zac's the one that started the rumors."

I whipped my head around to stare at him. "Do you honestly expect me to believe that? Jesus Jasper, that's just sick."

"Well then answer this, dear sweet T.S. ... Why is Zac just now getting all close with you? God damn, he's been planning this for weeks. He knew today was a good day to let you hear about the rumor, so he got Talon to mention it. You're so naive. You guys have been best friends all your life, and he just now decides to try and fuck you - I'm sorry, get "close" to you. I'm sorry, T.S., but THAT'S sick." He ran his fingers through his hair. My eyes started to sting at his hurtful comments. "I'm just trying to look out for you."

I wiped at my eyes with the back of my sleeve. "Oh that's such bullshit. You don't give a damn about me."

He looked to be in thought. "This is true. But, I figured since I delivered such valuable information, I'd get a little reward."

"How's this?" I twisted his arm around so he could no longer hold onto me, then I slammed my knee between his legs. "Fuck you, Jasper."

I ran to the end of the hallway, hoping Zac was on his way. When I rounded the corner, I saw him... but he wasn't alone. He had his arms wrapped around some girls shoulders and she was gripping his back. When they let go I saw it was Talon. When she looked in my direction, she gave me a devious smile and ran her hand down Zac's chest.

He laughed.

I ran.

chapter five

I'm sorry if I hurt you, for that was not at all what I intended to do

I looked at the clock for the 37th time. Sleep was definitely not going to be my friend tonight. I threw the covers off and made my way to the balcony across the room.

The sky was beautifully clear and the weather was perfect, so I grabbed some sneakers and headed out the window and down the artificial fire escape.

I looked down at my watch. 3:47. I started walking in no particular direction, thinking of what exactly had happened merely thirteen hours previous.

Was Zac tricking me or was Jasper lying to me? How could you fake the emotions he showed to me? How could he know about Talon? A million questions swam through my head and suddenly I found myself laying on a large stone at Sickman's Pond. My tears ran down the rock and mixed with the water below.

My body started shaking and my eyes flew open.

"T.S., what are you doing here?"

I sat up quickly, willing my eyes to adjust to the new surroundings. I slowly looked up to the person who had awakened me. "Zac?"

"Yeah baby."

I tore away from his gaze and stood up. "Don't 'baby' me, okay? Why are you here?"

He looked at me sadly. "When you ran out, I tried calling you, but no one answered... When I came to the house, your mother said you weren't available. Why are you ignoring me? I know you said you needed time, but I didn't think you'd be this extreme about it."

I looked at him in disbelief. "You don't... You just don't get it, do you? Zac, I know... or I don't. All I do know, is that I'm extremely confused and I don't know who to believe anymore."

It was Zac's turn to be confused. He reached out to grab my hand, but again, I pulled away. He knit his eyebrows together and his expression became stoned. "What's going on? You didn't have a problem with me touching you yesterday, why are you acting like I'm going to give you some disease? Is there something you're not telling me?"

I looked at him sharply. "What about you? Why don't YOU explain to me why you were all over Talon Jessicks? Why don't YOU tell me, why I received word that you were the one that spread those rumors about us around school? And while you're at it Zac, why don't you tell me why all of a sudden you decided to pay extra attention to me? Because I find it a little ironic that the day I sit down with Talon, I find out about the rumor and then suddenly we're makin' out in the gym. Tell me that, Zac."

Zac's mouth opened and shut a few times, then he stood up. "I don't have to take these accusations T.S." He started to walk away, and on second thought, he turned around. "I will answer one. I've been in love with you my entire life, and yesterday, I finally thought you were returning those feelings."

I swallowed the lump in my throat and watched heavy-hearted as Zac wiped away a tear that was threatening to fall. His retreating form was the last thing I saw before I curled into a ball on the dew soaked grass.

chapter six

I poured my life into a paper cup

A few moments had passed and I realized this wasn't solving anything. I picked myself up and ran after him. "Zac, wait!" I caught up with him before he entered his backyard. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have accused you... It's just... Everything fits so perfectly that it can't be right."

He looked at me with fiery eyes. "Why can't it be right? Because it feels good? Because for once in your life you have someone who will treat you right and you want to throw it away? Because you acted like a coward and ran away, instead of talking to me? Why isn't it right, T.S.?"

"Because I don't know if it's real, Zac! The things Jasper said..."

"Jasper? T.S., those things he said in class were out of line..."

"It wasn't the things in class that bothered me, Zac."

He looked at me confused. "What other things did he say to you?" I looked down at my feet and interlocked my hands behind my head. "T.S.? What did he say?"

"He said... He said you started the rumors Zac. That this whole thing was just a scam that you've been planning for weeks. You got Talon to mention it to me at the table because you knew I'd fly off. And then when I saw you in the hallway... Hugging her... And she gave me that 'Did you honestly think he'd like you' look.... And you laughed. It was like everything he was saying was true."

He looked at me with such pain in his eyes. "T.S., how could you believe anything that comes out of his mouth? He's a walking prick. As for Talon... She came up to me on my way back to you, and asked for an autograph. I was flattered but didn't have anything for her, so I gave her a hug." He grabbed my hand and gently ran his fingertips over my palm. "I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you, T.S. If nothing else, please know that."

I couldn't tell if it was the sincerity of his voice or the softeness of his eyes, but he broke me. I flung my arms around his neck and buried my face in his neck. "I'm so sorry."

He stroked my back while I lost my pride. He pushed the hair behind my ear and kissed my temple. "How about we just start over? And not let influences distract us from what we want to be. I want to be with you Taralynn Sierra, if you'll have me."

I looked up at him and he wiped away the dampness on my face. "I don't know why I deserve you."

He leaned down and touched his lips to mine. "Did that feel real?"

I smiled into his lips. "Very much."

"Then there's no other reason."

chapter seven

Paint pastel princess

The shrilling ring of the phone brought me out of my current daydream. I picked it up while the images of Zac in a pink tutu left my head. "Hello?"

"Dah Dahlin."

"Can you ever answer the phone the right way?"

Zac laughed. "Uh, what would be the purpose of that again?"

I sighed. "You're impossible."

"This I know... Hey, Ike's coming home tonight, so we're having a big dinner... thing... here. We're eating around 7:00, but you can come sooner..."

I could sense the smile on his face. "Yeah sure, how bout 6:55?"

"T.S., now you know damn well I meant quarter of."

I laughed lightly and let my head fall back onto the pillows. "So so sorry."

"You're forgiven..." His voice became soft. "So, what are you wearing?"

"ZAC!"

"What? I mean... What are you wearing tonight? Like are you - "

"Just shut up."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Is Taylor going to be there?"

I could sense this was a tough question and I almost regretted asking. "I have no idea. He may show up, he may not. You know Taylor..."

I sighed and started picking at my nails. "Yeah..."

"Well, I have to go, I'll see ya soon?"

"Yeah, I'll get a shower then come over, okay?"

"That would be great. Meet me out back?"

"Will do... Hey Zac?"

I could tell I caught him just as he was getting ready to hang up. "Yo?"

"You wouldn't happen to know... where your sister's old ballerina outfits are, would you?"

chapter eight

I waited for you to come back to me

I met Zac out on their back porch. He was relaxing on the hammock then hung between the beams. I snuck up behind him and jumped in, which caused both of us to land on the ground below.

"Was that completely necessary?" Zac rubbed his now sore elbow and gave me a scowl.

I returned the gesture. "Dah Dahlin."

He picked me up roughly and wrapped my legs around his torso. I knew his intentions so I tucked my arms around his neck. He jumped off the porch and slammed my body into the cold ground.

"Now Zac, if you wanted to be on top, you could have just told me instead of putting me in this extreme amount of pain..."

He produced a fake pout. "Aww, did I hurt you baby?" He leaned down and ran his lips over my cheek, gently sucking on my skin until I'm sure it became red. "Feel better?"

"Well, if you were kissing the part that actually hurt, asshole."

He got a deflated look on his face and started to get up. I grabbed him by his neck and pulled him back down. "So keep trying."

He smiled slightly and started caressing my lips with his own. When I moaned with approval, he opened my mouth with his tongue and started mingling with mine.

"Well this is new. Expected, but new."

I tore away at the voice coming from the porch doorway. I jokingly pushed Zac off of me and started running towards him. Isaac smiled brightly (like he knew how to smile any other way), and stepped down, knowing I was about to tackle him.

Laughter roared from his throat as I threw my arms around him. "Miss me, kid?"

I let go so I could look into his face. He was beautiful. "You have no idea... How long are you home?"

"We get four days for Thanksgiving."

I looked at him sadly. "Is that it?"

He laughed again and wrapped an arm around my shoulder. "Don't worry, I get over a month for Christmas." I squealed excitedly and hugged him again.

"Hey? Remember me?" Zac came up behind us and pushed me out of the way. I smiled as I watched him hug his older brother. "Welcome home man."

"It's good to be home... So? How long?"

We both knew what he was talking about, so Zac came back and lovingly threw an arm around me. "Since Thursday. Three long, treacherous days." He ran a finger down his cheek. "Tear."

I smacked his chest, hard, and he recoiled. "What?"

I turned my attention back to Isaac. "What about you? Meet any cool Bostonian ladies?" He got that glimmer in his eyes that I knew too well. Isaac Hanson was in love.

"Well..."

Just then Momma Hanson appeared in the doorway. "Guys, can you please come in and set the table? You'll have plenty of time tonight to talk." She ruffled her oldest son's hair and walked back inside.

Isaac sighed and tried to fix it, then just shook his head and laughed. "Why even bother, she's going to do it at least three more times tonight?"

I laughed and pinched his cheeks, on his face of course. "Cause she misses you so so so much."

He playfully swatted my hands away. "That'll do."

Just as we entered the kitchen, the doorbell rang. I was the first one who offered to get it. On my way there, Zac yelled and pointed an accusing finger at me. "This doesn't mean you get out of setting the table."

I maturely stuck my tongue out at him and reached for the handle. "We'll see about that."

I opened the door to reveal someone with their back to me, and adorned in a long black trench coat. "Can I help you?"

The person slowly pulled the hood back and turned to face me. My breath became stuck in my throat and I stumbled backwards slightly. "You came?"

Taylor Hanson gave me a sad smile. "I heard Ike was going to be home so I thought I'd come by... If Mom will let me stay..."

I pulled him into the house and frantically wrapped my arms around him. "Don't even say something stupid like that Taylor, you know she wants you here. Everybody wants you here." I let go of him and quickly pulled his jacket off. If I had his jacket he couldn't leave... again.

"T.S. who was it?"

Isaac entered the living room, with Zac close behind. He stopped dead in his tracks, causing Zac to run into him.

"Isaac man, watch where - Taylor?"

Taylor gave them a weak wave then focused his attention on his shoes. I don't really think Taylor was expecting what was about to happen, but I did.

So I quietly stepped out of the room, into the kitchen, while the three eldest Hanson brothers reunited.

I calmly walked up to Diana, wondering if she'll take his presence as greatly as Isaac and Zac did. I waited till she pulled her head out of the oven to call her. "Diana?"

She looked at me with a motherly smile. "Yes, dear?"

"Um, there's someone here... That I'm hoping you want here."

She knew.

She dropped the oven mitts and stormed into the living room. I closed my eyes, preparing for the outburst, but instead I only heard quiet sobbing.

"Oh my boy... My boy's finally home."

I opened my eyes when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around to Zac's red and tearstained face. He tried to say something but nothing would come out. I just nodded my head, kissed his damp cheek, and walked out the back door.

This was their time and dinner could wait till tomorrow.

chapter nine

You're not allowed, you're uninvited

"So, is he home for good?"

"He won't say. He's been really ... distant... since he got here. Like ... I don't know. That's not Taylor."

I sighed sadly and walked out on the balcony, the phone clutched between my shoulder and neck. "He's changed, I'll give you that. But it's still him, Zac. Look in his eyes. You'll see it."

He became silent and I could tell he was debating what to say next. "I saw something today... And I wanted to ask him, but I didn't want him to get mad again and leave."

"What's that baby?"

"He had these... marks... these lines going up his arms. Like scratch marks, but deeper. And when we hugged him... It was like he was holding on for dear life. I want to know what happened to him, T.S."

"We all do. But that's something that only Taylor can tell us. If you try to force it out of him, he's just going to turn around and run. Let him get settled in, make him feel comfortable again, and maybe when he's ready, he'll open up. I know that's not what you want to hear...."

"No, I understand. As much as I want him to talk, I'm just glad he's back."

"Me too."

His breath became hitched and I heard a door shut on the other line. He obviously just went into a private room. "Do you still love him?"

I was taken back by his question. It took me a few moments to clear out the fog in my head. "Zac, what are you talking about? Of course I love him. I love all of you. Nothing will change that."

I could sense his relaxation. "Thank you. And we love you too." He paused a second. "Especially me." His smile radiated through the phone line and I couldn't help but feel warm. "And I wanted to thank you for today. For understanding... And for not taking it personal."

I smiled inwardly. "What are best friends and lesbian lovers for?"

Zac laughed outright at my comment. At least I was good for that. "Sometimes I really wonder if you are a lesbian... With all your femme talk."

"Hey, just cause I know what a vagina is doesn't mean I'm a lesbian... and I thought you were supposed to love me no matter what!"

"I do love you. Just curious, that's all."

My mouth nearly dropped. "ZAC!" Then my brows knit together. "You really think that about me?"

He laughed so hard he nearly dropped the phone. "Oh my God, T.S., you should have heard yourself just then."

I felt like smacking him. "That was so not funny, Zac. Questioning someone's sexuality can really be hurtful."

"You used to do it to Taylor all the time!"

"I never said Taylor was gay!" I purposely switched terms.

"No, but you called him a lesbian many times..." Damn.

"She what?!?"

Uh oh.

Zac laughed nervously and pulled the phone away from his mouth. "Hey Tay."

"Give me the phone."

I don't think I've ever been so scared of that voice in my entire life. I heard a struggle then Taylor's voice came on the line.

"Why the hell are you calling me a lesbian?"

"Taylor... please... just calm down. I didn't mean it - "

He broke into a mad laugh and Zac joined him. "You're so gullible, T.S."

I was going to kill them. "Out of respect for your mother, I will not call you a son of a bitch.... So instead, you're an asshole."

"I love you Sierra."

I hung up the phone.

chapter ten

What am I to do with you and me

"T.S.! Wake up, it's past 10:00! Are you going to sleep the day away?"

It was Sunday. I was tired. She didn't understand.

"MOOOOM! Don't ever wake me up to tell me what time it is again!!!"

I'm thankful that my mother understands my endless sarcastic wit.

"Taylor called."

My eyes flew open and I sat up quickly. Big mistake. "Owwwie..." I rubbed my now dizzy head. "What'd the bastard want?"

My mother appeared in the doorway. "He said he was sorry about what he did last night. And he wants to know if you want to do something after church." She put my wash down on my computer chair. "How does he look?"

I shrugged and started fiddling with my blanket. "He looks exhausted... and worn out... and abused. But it was his choice. Not that I'm glad it happened, but he had the chance to avoid it."

She sat down on the bed beside me and placed her hand over mine. "I really do wish you'd tell me what happened that day."

I retrieved my hand from under hers and looked away. "It took me so long to forget that Mom, I don't want to relive it."

She gently stoked my hair. "I know sweetheart, but it's not good to keep that inside. He's back, so maybe you should at least talk with him."

I got up from the bed and started pacing the room. "I don't think he came back home just to go through that again, either, Mom. The way he's been acting, it's like he wants to forget and just move on. It wouldn't be my place to bring it back up, anyway. He's the one that ran away, not me. So if he wants to talk and get it out of his system, he has to come to me."

"Well honey, he did call you this morning, so maybe that's what he's doing."

I looked at her suddenly, wordless. What if he did want to talk to me? I don't know if I could handle hearing him say those awful words to me again.

But she was right, if we were going to be friends again, everything had to be out.

Just then the phone rang.

My mom checked the clock then headed out the door. 10:37.

I shook all thoughts from my head and picked up the phone. "Hidely Ho."

I soft laugh came through from the other line. "You haven't changed at all, T.S."

"Well you know me... So, hey, what are we doing?" I tried to keep phone conversations to a minimum.

"Well, I think we should talk. We... Well, I kinda left on a bad note. And I was hoping we could maybe... fix that."

I let go of the breath I was holding.

"I'd like that, Taylor. One condition."

"Name it."

"It's all over with today. We say what we need to say, then that's it. I'm tired of having nightmares about it, and not wondering when you're going to come home, and when you do, how long you're going to stay. You have no idea what your absence did to me, and I don't want to experience that again."

He was shocked at how forward I had been with him. Although, he should have known it was going to be like this. He knew me... or at least he used to.

"I'm... I don't even know how to express to you how incredibly sorry I am, T.S."

"Well, that's why we're going to go somewhere and talk, right?"

"Yeah... Do you want to go... um..."

"I'll meet you there in fifteen minutes."

I got dressed and walked down to Sickman's Pond. The place where it all started, and up until yesterday, believed it ended.

chapter eleven

This is how you remind me of what I really am

I kicked fifty-two pebbles into the water before he showed up. "So glad you made it, Tay."

He sighed and sat down on the rock across from me. "Sorry, Zac wouldn't let me leave the house until I promised I'd come back."

I stared at him sadly. "Do you blame him?"

He looked down and played with the zipper on his sweatshirt. Slowly taking it up and down. "No, but it's a little much."

"He's your brother and he loves you. I don't think it's extreme at all."

He shook his head and raked his fingers through his hair. "I didn't come down here to hear about Zac, we're here to talk about us."

"Fine. What about us?"

He stood up and sat down on the rock beside me. "I know I hurt you. And I know there's nothing I can do to erase the past, but I will do everything in my power to make it up to you now. Please, believe me, Sierra." I let a tear slip as he said my name. The name that only he was allowed to say.

I roughly wiped at my face with the back of my hand and stared at him. "I do believe you, Taylor. But for the life of me, I don't know why. The things you said... I didn't even think you were capable of thinking such things. Do you remember what you said?"

His eyes became clouded and pleading. "Please, Sierra, let's not do this."

"No, Taylor, I do believe we have to. Because if I'm ever going to trust you again, I need to know that ..."

He got up and started walking away from me. "I will not do this."

I ran after him and grabbed his arm. "What, Tay? You said it so clearly and perfect last time. Why is it so hard now?"

He turned around, tears streaming down his face. "Because I didn't know what the hell I was saying and you know it. I am so sorry I'm not the perfect Taylor you imagine me to be. I do make mistakes and I say things I know I'm going to regret later. But that's me, T.S., and I can't change."

I stared at him sadly. "I'm not asking you to be perfect, Taylor, I'm just asking you to be human."

I started walking again and it was his turn to stop me. "What do you want me to do?"

I turned around to face him. "What am I to you Taylor? Am I what you claimed me to be?"

He nearly broke at my words but instead wrapped his arms around me. "You are nothing of what I said..." He pulled my chin up. "You are a beautiful, sweet and an overly sarcastic woman." He kissed the right side of my face. "I'm sorry I left you." Then he kissed the left. "I'm sorry I hurt you." He ran his fingers down my nose and lips. "Please forgive me, Sierra."

I stared at him, wondering if I actually could. I knew I wanted to. "Jordan Taylor Hanson, I swear if you weren't so damn beautiful your ass would be on the ground right now."

He laughed and kissed me full on the mouth. "Now there's my girl."

I smacked his chest. "This doesn't mean all is forgotten. This means if you screw up again I'm shipping you to Canadia so Megz can make you her spider monkey."

He stuck his hand out and shook on a new friendship. "Deal."

He slung his arm over my shoulder and we walked up to his house.

Zac was waiting on the porch. He looked like he was ready to kill someone. He was holding a small navy blue book in his right hand. Taylor seemed to recognize it.

"Zac? Where did you get that?"

"I thought I'd be a nice brother and clean the closet out and get some of your old stuff out. Imagine my surprise when I came across this."

He shook the book violently in the air.

Taylor put his hands up in self defense. "Zac, whatever is in there, is over dude. It's done."

Zac threw the book to the ground and lounged for him. "You son of a bitch!"

The book fell to my feet and I quickly picked it up, wondering what pissed him off so much. It was Taylor's journal. I turned to the last page, which was obviously the day he left.

My eyes became wide as realization sunk in. "Oh my God."

I quickly scanned the page for my name and wasn't surprised to find it. "... I flipped out on T.S. and said something really horrible to her. I called her a..." I looked up at the sickening thud of a punch being delivered to Taylor's jaw. I dropped the book and tried to pull Zac off him.

"Zac baby, just let it go. It's over. Come on." He reluctantly let me pull him off. He stared down at Taylor and hatred filled his eyes.

"I have never been so ashamed of you, Taylor. To think that you could be that cold hearted... Is beyond me." He turned to face me. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"It's not exactly something I like talking about Zac. And that was something between me and him. I didn't want it to go further."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Taylor slowly getting up, wiping at the blood on the corner of his mouth. He carefully walked over to us, making sure to stay a safe distance from Zac.

"Zac, you KNOW I was messed up then. I was a dick and I turned on her, but we worked it out. We got everything out and we're okay."

Zac stared at him coldly. "You degraded her. Do you think that's just going to be forgotten overnight?"

That left Taylor speechless.

I turned to Zac. "I appreciate you standing up for me Zac. But I can do that all on my own. I was never handicapped before for being black."

And with that, I let them stare at me while I walked away.

chapter twelve

I bet this last time is one time too many

I stared at myself in the mirror, wondering what made me stand out from everyone else. Why I deserved special treatment. I had crystal blue eyes. That wasn't uncommon. Taylor had the same eyes. I wasn't anorexic thin. Taylor was... well, nevermind. My skin was a little darker than most the people at the school. Okay, my skin was a little darker than 99% of the people there.

My mother is as pale as a ghost and my father (God rest his soul) was as dark as the night. I guess I got the best of both of them. I ran my fingers over the simple silver cross around my neck. Oh how I missed him.

"Hey gorgeous."

I turned around and smiled. Isaac came over and wrapped his arms around me.

"How you holdin' up kid?"

I laughed lightly. "You know, I am only a year younger than you..."

He smiled and kissed my forehead. "What's your point?"

I grabbed his hand and pulled him out onto the balcony. "So I suppose you know..."

"Well, I was in the kitchen when Zac went off."

He sat down on the swing and I sat between his legs. I rubbed my head slightly. "Wasn't that just lovely?"

"He was just trying to protect you, Lynnie." He always used his nickname for me when we were alone. They all did that.

"Isaac, its not the medieval times... He doesn't need to be my knight and shining armor. I know how to defend and protect myself."

He gently tucked the hair behind my ears. "I know this. He knows this. But he's just trying to show you that he cares. If it would have been someone outside the family saying that, you know damn well we all would have been on them."

I smiled slightly realizing he was right. And no matter what I do, I guess I could never make them stop caring for me. And maybe I should cherish that and not throw it away.

I looked up in his face and was suddenly overjoyed he was here. "How is it possible that you've always known exactly what to say?"

He gave me a warm smile and snuggled down into me. "Well, it's not exactly Quantum Physics, Lynnie. You just have to be willing to listen."

I stared at him with mock shock. "That was deep, dude."

He rolled his eyes. "I guess it's because I've known you forever... and I almost know you better than you know yourself."

I stared off in the distance. "This is true." He nodded knowingly and I laughed. "Gah, I love you."

"I love you too. NOW, what are we going to do about this whole fiasco between you and my brothers."

"Are they still pissed at each other? Or, well, is Zac still pissed at Taylor?"

"I made them sit in our bedroom and talk. I wouldn't let them out until they resolved everything."

"How long did that take? Four minutes?"

"Actually, after they worked out the current situations, we started talking about his disappearance and that lasted for three hours."

My eyes widened and I stared at him disbelief. "Taylor actually talked about it?"

"Yeah... I guess he wanted everything to be over too. It was a good old Hanson sob fest."

"Well, that's an oxymoron if I've ever heard one."

He laughed genuinely for about... three minutes straight.

"Okay, Ike, it wasn't that funny."

"I know, it's true, that's why it's funny!"

I watched his face scrunch with complete laughter again and I couldn't help but join him. There's just something about this man.

After we both calmed down, I wrapped my arm around his neck. "Do you have any idea how bad I want to have your babies?"

He looked at his watch. "Would you settle for a night of movies?"

I smiled and kissed his nose. "Even better."

chapter thirteen

Woke up in the morning, put on my new plastic glove

I woke up when I felt a weight shift on my stomach. My eyes slowly fluttered open and the first thing that came into focus was a head of wavy hair. I smiled, groggily, and fluffed it. He slapped my hand away immediately.

"Don't start."

"Well, if you wouldn't have decreased the chances of me having babies, I wouldn't have." He gently rolled off my stomach. "OH! My ovaries!!!"

He laughed and gently kissed my abdomen. "My apologizes, darling."

I looked at the clock. 7:08.

"Shit Ike, I forgot to set the alarm. I'm going to be late for school."

I quickly got up and started rummaging around the room. I stopped when I heard his signature laugh. I turned around and stared at him pointedly.

"Get out."

He got up and started walking towards me, still laughing mind you. "Honey, it's the Monday after Thanksgiving."

I dropped all the clothes I had been holding. "Oh thank God."

He smiled and kissed the inside of my palm. "You have an hour. I'll go get da boys-a."

"Don't ever talk like that again."

"Got it."

He left my room and I hurriedly got ready for a the post-Thanksgiving Hanson tradition. No no, it wasn't hunting my friends. It was paintball. And they were very serious about it. Which meant they held no mercy.

I grabbed four sweaters from my closet, grabbed my boots and headed out the door.

"Well, if it isn't the Stay Puff Marshmallow man."

"You can go to hell, Taylor."

"Well, good morning to you too, sunshine."

I pushed him off the sawed off stump he was sitting on and made my way inside. Zac was in the kitchen putting on his vest, a piece of toast hung from his mouth.

"Always trying to do too many things at once."

He looked up and the toast fell from his mouth. "Hey... I..."

"Why are you so nervous around me all of a sudden?"

He shook his head and immediately came over and wrapped his arms around me tightly. "I'm sorry about yesterday. I just didn't think you'd show up after what I did."

I pulled away, which was considerably hard with his grip and my many layers. "What did I tell you, it's over. It's the past Zac. We can live our lives dwelling on things, or we can move on. Besides, I'm a little flattered that you'd beat up your own brother for me."

He smiled one of those rare smiles. One that you etched in your brain in hopes you'll never forget. "I'll do anything for you, you know that."

I tried to lean up to kiss him, but the extra weight was pulling me down. A nice shade of pink rose to my face. "Okay, you need to get down here now."

He complied completely and landed his lips on mine. His tongue ran over my bottom lip, then slipped inside my mouth. He gently pushed me back against the banister and his hands tried to get under my many shirts.

He pulled away, laughing lightly. "Jesus, T.S., how many layers are you wearing?"

"Hey! Last time you guys gave me welts the size of Texas, it's not going to happen again."

"Can you even walk in that?"

"I got here, didn't I?"

"Yeah... Well, you are so not on my team."

What did I tell you?

"I thought you loved me."

"Oh baby I do." He leaned down and gave me a quick kiss. "I'm sure Taylor would love to have you on his team."

I mocked anger and tried to tuck my arms under each other. Which didn't work, and it only made him laugh harder. "You know, you're an asshole."

I walked out of the kitchen but somehow ended up on the couch with Zac on top of me. "Was that completely necessary?" I tried to push him off but only became more tangled in with him.

"Like you aren't enjoying this."

"Being tackled onto a couch and not being able to breathe... Yeah, that's about as much enjoyment I can withstand for today."

He shifted his weight so he wasn't crushing me, and his fingers began to push up the fabrics that encased my upper body.

I grabbed his hand when he got to the third one. "Zac, we're in your house, on your couch. This isn't exactly the best place to be fore playing me."

He shook my hand off and continued till he reached bare skin. He bent down and trailed his warm tongue over my belly, causing goose bumps to rise. I bit my lip and my eyes fluttered shut. "Zac..."

He gently blew on the now moist skin then planted soft kisses around my navel. He slowly pulled the shirts back down and I opened my eyes to see him staring at me, enormous grin on his face.

I kicked him off the couch and composed myself. "You are so going to get it for that one."

He pulled me down so I was sitting in his lap. He softly rubbed his nose against mine. "I look forward to it."

chapter fourteen

Just like last time but a little worse

"Come again?"

Zac sighed and plopped down on my bed. "Well, since Taylor's back... We decided we're going to make another album."

I quietly sat down at his feet. "When?"

He sat up and looked at me, sadly. "Ike's going to finish out the semester then take a leave. So we'll be leaving for L.A. right after Christmas." He gently tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "We've done this before, T.S."

I stared at him pointedly. "That doesn't mean it's easier."

He wrapped an arm around my stomach and pulled me down, then he propped himself up on his elbow, lightly tracing lines over my face. "Then will you please come with us?"

I closed my eyes and turned my face away from him. "Zac, you know I can't. We've been through this before."

"Why not? Refresh my memory."

"Because I can't just leave school like you guys can. I need an education if I'm going to get anywhere. I can't just wake up one morning and decide to leave for six months to make an album. That's your life, not mine."

"But you're a part of my life, doesn't that count for something?"

I turned back towards him and ran my hand down his chest. "Yeah baby, it does." He smiled lightly and bent to kiss me. I stopped him before he could. "But not enough."

I slowly got up and left him dejected on the bed. "I think you should go home. We have to get up for school tomorrow."

He got up on his knees and tucked his arms under the other. "No."

"Zac, I don't feel like playing mind games tonight, please just go."

"No, I'm sorry. I'm not going to just walk out and pretend you didn't just hurt me. I may not be a big part of your life, but you're everything in mine. So until you promise me you'll at least consider the opportunity to get out of this town for a few months, I'm not going anywhere."

He may be a free spirit, but he was sure determined when he wanted to be. I walked over and stood in front of him. "It's not because I don't love you enough Zac... It's..."

His face didn't change. "It's what?"

How do you word something so hard to say. "Zac, that's a part of your life that I'm not in."

Can you physically hurt someone with actually touching them? Because I swear it looked like Zac had been slapped across the face.

"You just don't get it, do you?"

I shrugged and looked down. "Apparently not."

He grabbed my hands and held them against his chest. "If it wasn't for you, we wouldn't even have the opportunity to record albums. You stood by us and made sure we didn't give up. You sent the letters to the record companies, and it was you, who held our hands and told us we could do better when they rejected us. So don't you dare say you aren't involved in that part of my life, because you're the one who made that dream a reality." He brought my hands up and kissed both. "Please promise me you'll consider it."

I stared at him, restraining the urge to let the tears fall, and let out the breath he caused me to hold. "No." His eyes fell and his grip began to loosen. I tightened my hands around him to keep the contact. "I promise you, that if my mother approves, I will go with you."

He threw his arms around my waist and pulled me onto the bed. "You are a wicked, wicked woman."

I smiled and pushed the loose hair out of his face. "All part of my charm."

chapter fifteen

I wish that I could be with you tonight, you give me butterflies

My mother stared at me with sincere eyes. "You're afraid to ask me something, aren't you?"

I looked up at her with surprised eyes. "How..."

She smiled and tucked stray hair behind my ears. "I'm your mother, baby." I smirked and pulled my legs underneath me, and turned towards her.

She in turn, faced me and slung one arm over the couch. "What is it?"

"I know you're going to say no, but I thought I'd ask anyway... For someone else's benefit." She arched an eyebrow and waited for me to continue. "Zac asked again... And this time, I couldn't just say no to him... I told him I'd ask you."

She smiled, then started laughing. I looked at her shocked. "Mom?"

She wiped the tears from her eyes. "Oh I'm sorry honey... It's just that... Diana called me this morning, and she said the first thing out of Zac's mouth when he got home last night was if you could go."

I smiled inwardly and rubbed the side of my nose. "He doesn't waste any time, huh?"

She sobered and put her palm under my chin. "He's a good kid. And I trust him as much as I trust you." I raised my eyes to her, almost disbelieving her manner. "Now Diana and I talked this over... And if it's what you really want to do, you have my permission."

I froze. Did she just say I was allowed? My brain literally stopped functioning. "But... I..."

She rolled her eyes and tapped my hand. "Try to use whole sentences, darling. Now, just because you're going to be out of school, doesn't mean you get to slack off. Diana will be teaching you along with Zac. I also think it would be best if you finished off this semester and go out a little later then them, that way you don't receive any incomplete grades. Which will only be a week after they leave. Is that all right with you?"

A slow tear made its way down my face. I threw my arms around her and buried my face in her hair. "I love you so much."

She rubbed my back and gently rocked us back and forth. "I know you do. And that's why you're going to promise me that you won't come back with any extra piercings or body art."

I laughed and gave her a quick kiss. "I promise."

She smiled brightly and kissed my forehead. "Good. Now go tell Zac."

"He doesn't know?"

"No, and it killed Diana not being able to tell him. But she thought you would like the honors."

I stood up, almost too fast, and quickly put on my shoes and jacket. "I won't be gone too long."

"Just be home by 7:00 for dinner."

I gave her another kiss and headed towards the back door. "I will."

I stepped out onto the porch and I tried to keep the smile off my face. It was hard, and I'm sure I looked pretty damn silly trying to keep my face calm. Good thing Zac was laying in the hammock with his back to me, or he would have known something was up.

I had to stop and just watch him. He had a discman laying on his stomach, mini headphones in his ears, and he was beating out a constant rhythm on his leg with his drumsticks. My heart swelled just seeing the way his face was lit up. This was his life and his love. And it was so beautiful.

I hated to disturb him but if I didn't tell him soon, I'd explode. I walked over to him and ran my fingers down his arm. He jumped slightly and pulled the headphones off. He smiled and laid everything on the ground. I carefully got in with him, and he wrapped an arm around my shoulder.

"So?"

I looked at him innocently. "So... What?"

"Don't toy with me, woman. What did your mother say?"

I frowned and turned my head away. He sighed and gently stroked my hair. "Its okay baby, that's why they invented telephones and email. And I'll try to come home whenever possible."

I pretended to wipe my face. "That's not the problem."

He tried to pull me towards him. "Then what is?"

I rolled back into his chest and stared into his eyes. "I don't know what to pack."

I now know how my mother felt. His entire face went blank. I smiled widely and threw my arms around his neck. "If you don't want me to go, just say..." Before I could finish, his mouth pummeled mine. After a few sweet kisses, he pulled away. "So, is that a 'yes'?"

His eyes became misty. "You can really go?"

My breath hitched at the softness in his voice. "I have to finish out the term, but yeah, I'm there. Your mom is going to teach me with you guys."

He got out of the hammock and helped me out. He pulled me into his arms. "Dance with me."

I laughed quietly but willingly obliged. I wrapped one arm around his neck and he held my other hand against his chest. He placed a soft kiss against the corner of my eye.

"I honestly don't think things could get any better than what they are right now, at this very instant."

Chapter sixteen

Become another victim of your conformity

"I can't believe that tomorrow at this time I'll be able to hold and kiss you again."

I blushed into the phone as I rushed around my room, doing some last minute packing. I pulled open the drawer that had my undergarments in. I smiled slyly and threw some black items in. I reached to the back of the drawer. I pulled out two different bathing suits. I laughed quietly into the phone. "I can't believe I'll be swimming in January."

"Are you going to miss the kids at school?"

I snorted playfully. "Rriigghhtt... Jasper came up to me today and asked if I'd give him a going away present. I was in too good of a mood to kick him in the balls again."

I heard Walker calling to him on the other line. A few seconds later he came back. "Hey, dinner's ready, so I guess I'll see you at the airport tomorrow?"

I smiled into the phone. "Definitely. I'll be the one with the flowers in my hair..."

"That's San Francisco."

"Hey... Insulting me isn't going to make me want to come."

He laughed lightly. "I'm sorry baby."

"Whatever. Well, have a good dinner and I'll be seeing you tomorrow... With or without flowers."

"All right, I love you."

"I love you too."

The next morning I was standing in line at the American Airlines counter. I knew to show up a few hours early due to the extra security. I watched wholeheartedly as a little girl with blonde pigtails swung wildly in circles, her arms outstretched. When she stopped, she instantly fell to the ground. I braced myself for an extremely loud outburst, and silently cursed the parents for not watching her. But as soon as the thought appeared, it vanished.

A young man came over and grabbed her around her stomach and hoisted her over his shoulder. Her high-pitched hiccuped giggles made a home in my heart. When he set her down, she wrapped her arms around his neck tightly and gave him a Tootsie Roll filled kiss. The young man, maybe only a few years older than myself, beamed proudly at his creation and scooped her up.

I sighed to myself and turned back towards the counter. I was next in line.

"Ticket please."

I handed the ticket agent my papers, she quickly surveyed them, tore off the stub and handed me the rest. "Non-stop flight to Los Angeles, enjoy your trip." Ehh, I hated fake smiles.

"Don't you ever wish you could just tape record yourself saying that?"

I do believe this girl (I checked her name badge), who's name was Cammy, smiled genuinely for the first time since I've been here. "Hey, it's all part of the job."

I laughed and started walking through the corridor. "You're doing great."

Nothing wrong with making someone's day.

She smiled pleasantly. "Thank you very much."

I found my seat with the help of a flight attendant named Brock, who immediately complimented my "mile long legs" and "gorgeous high cheek bones." Thanks Brock, thank you so very very much.

"So, is there anything I can get you miss? A warm towel, a glass of champagne? A back massage performed by yours truly." Oh the perks of first class.

"Brock? May I call you that?"

He leaned in so I had a nice view of his anatomy. "You can call me whatever you'd like, sweetheart, this is YOUR flight..."

I grabbed him by his navy blue button-up sweater vest, and pulled him down to my level. "Listen, I'm 18, have a boyfriend, and would really like it if you could leave me the hell alone. And if you stare at my breasts one more time, I'll hurdle a sexual assault complaint against you so fast..."

He put his hands up in self defense and I released my grip. I smiled smugly as he walked away and set his eyes on new prey.

Zac would be so proud.

A few hours and two sleeping legs later, the plane landed safely at LAX. I stretched my numb limbs, and followed suit out of the plane and into the terminal.

Once I checked in, I made my way down to the baggage area. Since they maximize security, you could no longer meet people at the terminal. So the guys decided to meet me at the baggage claim. How romantic.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I saw them standing there. They each had a cardboard sign in their hands that proclaimed a different statement. Zac's reading "I love her and I want it that way", Isaac's "I love her (but not that way)", and Taylor's "This way to paradise" with an arrow pointing to his crotch.

I broke into a teary grin and wrapped my arms around all of them. Nothing could break the moment.

"OH MY GOD! IT'S HANSON!!?!?!??!"

Son of a bitch. But wait, I knew that voice. I turned around only to be greeted by the girlie screams of Brock. I stared at him in astonishment.

"You have got to be kidding me."

He quickly pushed me out of the way and started shaking hands (or feverishly molesting) the guys. The guys looked at his perfect coordinated outfit then raised their eyebrows to me. I just shrugged. "He's just a flight attendant who was trying to screw me, that's all I know, I swear."

Zac narrowed his eyes at him. "You trying to tap that ass?"

Brock looked scared, as he should be. Heh.

"OH NO no no no. I was just complimenting her, and I MAY have gone a little overboard. That's all. What about you guys... Up for a little... Fun."

Taylor was the only one who didn't look surprised, and I can't honestly say I was surprised. Brock looked down at his sign and nearly fainted.

"Mind if I find out for myself?"

We all just sorta watched everything in slow motion. This is something you can only dream about.

Taylor just shook his shoulders and nodded at the guy. "Well, I never was one to turn down free sex."

I jumped out of the way and looked pathetically at the ground. "Well, so much for Brock not fainting."

Taylor started laughing and hit us with his sign. "That was too much fun."

I grabbed his precious cardboard before he could assault me again. "You weren't really gonna do it, were you?"

He looked at me like I was silly for even asking. "If you even have to ask me that..."

He started walking away then looked over his shoulder. I sly smile took over his face. Then he laughed again. "Oh come on, T.S., you know I was just kidding."

We picked up my bags and followed after him, silently wondering. Then all at the same time, he let out the breath we had been holding and realized it was Taylor.

chapter seventeen

This is what it sounds like when doves cry

"All right Zac, truth or dare."

I've been here two months, and you'd think we come up with something more exciting to do then truth or dare. But no, it's a rainy Saturday night and we have nothing else to do but sit Indian-style on my makeshift bedroom floor, and make each other do things we really don't want to and share stories about events we already know of. How keen.

"Dare."

Like I didn't know that. I opened one of the small drawers beside my bed and pulled out a scarf. I stared at him timidly. "Do you trust me?"

He returned the gaze, but with honest eyes. "Of course I do."

I stood up and walked behind him, gently draping the cloth around his eyes. "Then I dare you to let yourself go."

I grabbed his elbows and carefully pulled him up. I stepped back from him and watched giddily as his hands searched desperately for me. Deciding he had enough, I walked in front of him and wrapped my arms his neck. He smiled and tightened his arms around my waist.

"What exactly am I supposed to do?"

I ran my fingers over his forehead and down his nose, then gently ran them over his soft lips. "I haven't planned that far ahead."

He grabbed my arm and planted soft kisses on the inside of my palm. He slowly made his way up to my neck and earlobe. He leaned down to kiss my lips, but I put my hand on his chest to stop him. "Not yet."

I grabbed his hand and lead him to the bed. "Now lay down on your stomach."

He raised an eyebrow, but still complied.

I straddled his back and began kneading my knuckles into his tense flesh. Low whimpers echoed through his lips as I hit each tender spot. Within a few moments, his breathing became even. Too even.

"Zac?"

I carefully pulled myself off of him and stared at his sleeping form. I softly pulled the scarf from his eyes and placed a soft kiss on his temple. "I'll let you get away with it this time."

I made my way out of his room and walked silently down the hall of the LA House. I was about to enter my room when I noticed Taylor's door open slightly. I peaked my head inside and saw him hunched over scattered papers. I smiled knowingly and made my presence known. "I get first rights on the new masterpiece."

He looked up and smiled tiredly, but proudly, at me. "Always."

"Want some company, or should I let you finish...?"

He shook his head immediately. "No, come in, please." I shut the door quietly and plopped down on the floor beside him. "What are you still doing up anyway?"

I rolled my eyes. "WELL... I was trying to seduce your brother and he fell asleep on me."

Taylor's eyes crinkled as he delivered a heart felt smile. "How dare he..."

I pushed his shoulder and laughed when he actually tumbled over, and just laid there. I crawled over and hovered above him. "I'm sorry, sometimes I just don't know my own strength..."

He tucked his arms under his head and smiled coyly at me. "You like me in this position."

I decided to play along. I ran my hand up his chest. "Hey, I'll take you any way I can." I added a wink in there for good measure.

He leaned up so his lips were mere inches from my mine. His breath lightly mingled with my own. My eyes wouldn't leave his.

"Taylor?"

He lightly licked his lips. "Yeah?"

I leaned closer so my hair would rub against his chin. "There's something I've been meaning to tell you."

He swallowed hard and just waited for me to continue. "Yeah..."

"Your breath is so foul."

It was his turn to push me and I landed on my back, unable to stop laughing.

"Dude, that was so not funny... Would you stop laughing?"

I wiped the tears off my cheeks and sat up. "I'm sorry. Moving on..."

He scratched the inside of his palm and for the first time I saw the hint of scars. I scooted closer to him and grabbed his arm. I felt him tense up, but I wasn't going to let him get away from me again.

I rolled up his sleeves and laid both arms in my lap. "Were things that bad Taylor?"

He surprisingly let me run my fingers over the horrible memories. I looked into his eyes and was overwhelmed with the urge to hold him. His eyes became glazed over and he tried to look away, but I caught his chin.

"What did she do to you Taylor?"

He rested his forehead against mine and wrapped his arms around me tightly.

"She destroyed me."

chapter eighteen

I start feeling strong enough to break

I watched him intently as he tried to summarize everything in his head. I could tell he was having trouble on where to start. Every time he thought he knew what to say, he'd open his mouth, shut it abruptly, and dig his fingers into his wrist.

"Taylor, your jaw is going to start hurting. Just start talking. I don't care if its out of order."

He nodded and pulled his legs up to his chest. "To keep it short... She made me believe things."

I waited for him to continue, and when he didn't, I decided to prompt him. "So, she made you believe that slicing into your arms would bring you comfort?"

"No that's not it at all. I didn't do this to myself."

I stared at him wide-eyed. "Taylor, start talking."

He sighed and started rocking. "When I doubted her... Or... 'Our Cause'... She would... Punish me."

"Your cause?"

"That we were kindred spirits bonded by every way possible. And when I would go against her opinion or, god forbid, have one of my own, she would hit, cut, claw or burn me." He looked down at one scar in particular. "I still remember what this one is from... We were talking about the death penalty and I told her that if anyone killed someone I loved, they deserved to burn." He looked up and arched an eyebrow. "She, obviously, didn't agree."

My throat constricted against my conflicting emotions. I felt so angry at her for doing this and at him for letting her, and I also felt like constructing a cage around him so no one else could hurt him.

"Why did you let it go on for so long, Taylor? You know for a fact that we were all waiting at home for you. We would have helped you." I grabbed a fistful of my hair. "God, I would have killed her."

He stared at me honestly, a glimmer of hope in his eyes. "Why do you think I waited till we were in LA?"

I smiled and ran my fingers over his face. Without another thought, I threw my arms around his neck and held onto him for as long as I could.

"Taylor, you guys are the only thing important in my life anymore. If anything would happen to any of you, I wouldn't be able to breathe. Remember that."

He tightened his grip on me and then let go. He kissed the top of my forehead and smiled. "I'll never forget." He let a small yawn pass his lips and I silently rolled my eyes.

"What is it with you guys? I come around and you all fall asleep on me."

"You're just too much for one person to handle."

I laughed fakely and ushered him into his bed. I tucked the covers under his chin and watched, amused, as his eyes fluttered shut. I pushed the hair out of his eyes then turned off his light. "Night Taylor."

As I closed his door, I heard feet walking down the steps. I contemplated my options. Go to bed or finish off the night with another Hanson. I shrugged to myself and followed the sound into the kitchen.

"What are you still doing up?"

Isaac nearly dropped his glass as he turned to face me. "Are you purposely trying to kill me?"

I squinted my eyes and tried to look suspicious. "Not... Purposely."

He shook his head and offered me a glass of raspberry tea. I smiled appreciatively and joined him in the living room.

"You probably won't need the tea to put you to sleep. My track record is two for two tonight."

He smiled and propped his feet up on the coffee table. "I actually don't want to sleep."

I stared at him oddly. "Are you having bad dreams?"

He laughed and wrapped his arm around my shoulder. "No, I've had this song swimming around in my head all day, and I'm just trying to get it on paper."

It was my turn to shake my head as I stared at him in amazement. "You guys awe me every single minute of the day. I'd love to have just a tenth of your talent, Ike. Honestly."

He smiled slightly and ran his index finger over the top of the glass. "Its only one part of me." He looked down and sadness covered his face. "But it seems to be the only one that counts."

chapter nineteen

And we all come tumbling down

I sat my glass down on the coffee table and offered my lap to his head, which he gratefully accepted. I ran my fingers through his hair as he twirled a silver band around his finger.

"Ana and I broke up this morning."

So that explained his moodiness. I kissed his temple then rubbed my hand over his arm. "What happened?"

"She loved the idea of being with me... But she didn't love me."

I shook my head as I tightened my arms around him. "Women are fools, Ike. We never know what we want, but when we get it, we don't know what the hell to do with it."

"This isn't the 'I'm too good for her' speech is it?"

I bit my lip and scowled at him lightly. "No..." I thought quickly. "This is the... 'You're better off without her' speech."

"Same thing."

"Do you want me to glorify you or not?"

He sighed and hugged my knees. "If you must."

I smiled coyly and laid my head against his. "Isaac, you're my best friend, who happens to be incredibly intelligent, charming, caring, talented, sweet, gorgeous," I looked at his attire, "And when wearing plaid boxers, quite sexy." He gave me a treasured laugh and looked up at me. "If she can't see the things that I see, then may God cast her blind."

He leaned up and gave me a sweet kiss on the cheek. His bright smile never faltered. "Sometimes I think I wouldn't be able to breathe if you weren't in my life."

"It's all worth while for that smile."

He blushed and pulled me off the couch. "Come on, I've kept you up long enough."

I wrapped my arm around his waist as we walked up the steps. "You'll play me the song when you write it, won't you?"

It was a rhetorical question, because we both knew the answer. But he answered anyway. "Of course. I think you're going to like this one."

I squeezed his side. "I love all of them..."

"Yeah, but this one, I think, you'll especially like."

"You had to tell me that right before I went to bed, didn't you?"

He laughed and opened my door for me. "Yes, I sure did."

I slapped his bare stomach. "I expect a concert early tomorrow morning, say... 6-ish."

He gave me a fake laugh and pushed me into my room. "Right. We'll play tomorrow night. Goodnight."

I smiled and closed my door. "Night Ike."

A few seconds after I got into bed, my cell phone started ringing. I cursed myself for not turning it off, and grabbed it off the night stand. A mumbled a 'hello' and waited for a reply.

"Is this Taralynn Sierra Albscott?"

"Yes it is, who is this?"

"This is Dr. Jane Morgan calling from the Tulsa Memorial Hospital. Your mother was rushed in about an hour ago... She went into early labor."

The phone dropped out of my hands and I had to pull my weak legs out of bed to scramble after it.

"I'm sorry, you have got to have the wrong person. My mother wasn't even pregnant."

"Is your mother Gwenivere Harlin Albscott?"

"Yes, that's her... But... I don't understand. She... She just wouldn't not tell me that she's pregnant... I'm her daughter. And when I left two months ago, she wasn't showing..."

"Taralynn, please calm down. There's something you need to know."

I sat down on the corner of my bed. "Wh-what?"

"Like I said, your mother went into early labor. By a month. There was a lot of internal bleeding and your mother is very weak... It's very important that you get here as soon as you can... We don't know if she's going to make it."

I forced my heart to stay in my chest. My hands were shaking and I could barely keep ahold of the phone. "How long?"

"Well she's fighting against her body. She wants to see you. I can't say for sure, but it can be anywhere from a day to a week."

I covered my eyes with my hand, trying to stay calm. "And the baby?"

"The baby was a pure miracle. No one was expecting her to make it, but she, like your mother, if fighting to survive. We do have hope that she can build up her lungs and other internal organs... But only time will tell. How long will it take for you to get here?"

I couldn't even remember where I was. I shook my head, trying to my best to clear it enough to think coherently. "I'm in L.A., so I'll try to get the first flight out... So it will tomorrow morning."

"All right, your mother is going to be in room 183. Taralynn?"

I raked my fingers through my hair. "Hmm?"

"I am truly sorry for your loss. I do want you to know that your mother is not feeling any pain what-so-ever right now. Be careful on your way out."

"Uh... Thank you... And thank you for calling me."

A few minutes after the click, I finally hung up my phone. I jumped up and started throwing some clothes in a carry on bag. I heard a knock on my door, but I was to focused on packing to answer it.

"Lynnie, what's going on?"

I turned to face his voice and I broke. He rushed over and I collapsed in his arms.

"I'm going to lose her, Ike."

Credit

Get Up - Nathan Brant

Strong Enough To Break - Hanson

Karma Chamelon - Boy George

Need To Be Next To You - Leigh Nash

Original Poem - AJ

Two Tears - Hanson

The Other Side - Red Hot Chili Peppers

Paint pastel princess- Silverchair

Runaway Run - Hanson

Uninvited - Alanis Morisette

Sunburn - Fuel

How You Remind Me - Nickelback

Voyeur - Blink

Lunchlady Land - Adam Sandler

Don't Leave Me - Blink 182

Butterflies - Michael Jackson

Fat Lip - Sum

When Doves Cry - Prince

Strong Enough To Break - Hanson

Dying To Be Alive - Hanson